Spineless

Haven't been active on this blog for a while. Life serving National Service ain't so exciting. Okay it is in a way, but nothing much is happening to my civilian life so yea, MIA for a while.

This pair of dancers is just so awesome I had to share it. Don't know who still visits this page but I'm sure you will not regret after seeing this. Peace!

Ain't we all in the same shit...

Nice. I just came across in randomly. She rapped and sang. Haha.

Good to be Home

Feels great to be at home at night. Selamat Hari Raya Haji. Three cheers for public holidays, it simply means "book out loh!" And the best thing is I only have to go back tomorrow morning, which explain why it feels great to be home at night.

I had my first full (half full actually, just the items before the intermission) rehearsal with the SHHK dancers. I'm only doing one balang, so it ain't so tired for me. Just 4.48mins of moving, then I can go shag out at the back. Now I get to feel like the audience watching everyone perform, instead of rushing and worrying about the ones I'm involved in. And I gotta say, all the dancers rock! We're not professionals, but it's good! Enjoyed watching the happy dances and the emotional "don't cry nanjing". And few days back I managed to catch them rehearsing White Snake. That was good too. Haha...

I'm glad I feel part of the group again today. It's a rather warm and familiar feeling. Really miss that, since I've been very not involved recently. I know everyone is rehearsing really hard everyday, and I admire their passions at what they do. Sometimes I wonder to myself, I see that they enjoy dance because of the company and the "let's chiong together" attitude. For me, sometimes I still feel it's a lonely thing. Like doing it for the sake of doing. In short, where has my passion gone? Maybe that is what is missing in my perf, I can't show it fully to the audience as I'm not even sure about myself. Confidence, courage, passion... Gotta be in there somewhere, or more like out there, just got to learn to obtain it.

Good luck to us all! Next week most of them are going to Genting. Gonna be so lonely. Haha... Right, better take the time to get things that needs to be done done. =)

Oh I finally watch "Michael Jackson: This Is It" this morning. King of Pop.... Love lives forever.

Thinking back

This is how it all began.

Update!

Sorry I've been out of touched with blogger for quite some time. Only get to use internet on friday nights and weekend nights. Just got home awhile ago, am in the living room. My bro is singing in his room! My sis probably sleeping already, and my parents... best lah, after still at Marina Sands Casino. My legs feel numb, hopefully it's just from too tired. Or maybe it's because I am sick still. What the, really want to recover soon, I am coughing way too much. My abs are flexing and cramping. How is that even possible, free exercise which I cannot stop even if I am tired. People who wants their abs muscles built, try getting an annoying non stop cough. But watch it, I heard excessive coughing and sneezing hurts your lower back, especially if you are in the wrong posture. Yep, I'm not lying, it's true.

If in future there is a device that can put my thoughts into words, that will be good. Getting lazier to blog sometimes. Or maybe I want to, but just never get around to sitting down and think how to start.

I miss long bus trips alone, listening to music or just thinking about stuff while staring out the window. Happen to have a chance to take a short bus 912 trip home just now, feels relaxed. Aircon is luxury man, once you experience living in my current bunk, which almost like a storeroom, very little ventilation but at least got two really old rust dirty fans. My buddy and I did try cleaning it, but it get dirty easily. Last bookout we got 60 pumpings, meaning 6 areas where dust is still found in the room. It's almost impossible to do so many push-ups properly... -_-" I don't know, maybe really fit men can really do that. Salute them haha...

My approach towards dance now is different from before I realize. No more goal achiecving and eager to improve asap attitude. It's more easy going now I think. But I am still almost as hardworking as before. But of course now I am a lot more slack, bo chup attittude. It's a good thing, in a way. Last thing I want now is to get stressed over dance, and risk losing passion for it or what. I thought I lost it sometimes, but everytime I get back into studio, or away from the studio for too long. I know lah, start to feel itchy.

I still find it difficult to live my days happy always. There's always things that keeps me troubled no doubt. It's the way I see things and accept things. I tend to think too much? Minor problems or problems that aren't even problems gets me down? I don't know. Sometimes I manage well sometimes I just really lose it. No matter what, it isn't important, just need to bring the logic into my face, think things through straight and over time, I should more or less realize that it's okay. If it's not, "suck thumb" lo. Haha, sometimes even better, I think I can kind of lie myself into thinking it's okay, simply changing my perspective of looking at the matter.

Haha, after that chunk of words on top of this, I guess I can tell I'm not that happy with my life yet. I don't like it that I always think I have to spend my life impressing people, including my own self. This gets me sad for no reasons always huh. Haha... WOW after so long I think I finally realize why the emo virus infected me. Maybe life can be better from now on if I stop restlessly thinking and getting bothered that I am in the minority human group known as the "weaker than average ones".

I remember I once told somebody "don't give up on me!".
Now I gotta tell myself "don't give up on me!" too.

Discouraged

A lot of things on my mind. Too fogged up and troubled to think straight. Can't even type a post properly.

Just not happy with my life as usual. Right, everybody's got a problem with their lives. I won't make my problem your problem. Just wish I was part of another's.

I don't know what to do or think anymore.
What is there to look forward to.
Oh ya, maybe I won't be able to perform anymore.
But it does not really matter to anyone doesn't it.
I'm ST(security trooper) or in this case, suck-thumb.

I know lah, I can only blame myself for thinking too much. Perharps I was better off before, leaving the whole matter alone thinking it was never right.

All these isn't right but it seems so right. Ever get this feeling? I am... lost.

Fall in love with dance

Need to sleep. I think tonight I can finally sleep better. Starting to have some peace within my mind. Or so I think... Will find out soon enough.

Lights out! 0145

Stronger

Laoma this one is for you. Sometimes some things might knock us down, sweep us off our feet. But we gotta find that balance back, stand firm and emerge stronger.

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Sigh...
You don't know it it's not your fault I don't blame you I am screwing my own head up.
Jenny, it's killing me.

Hello

"Why do we fall. So that we can learn to pick ourselves up."

I've fallen uncountable times. But slowly I pick myself up again. Sometimes I get a little help from my friends. Sometimes I just do it myself. All in all, I'm still doing fine more or less.

My inconfidence is really giving me trouble sometimes. Dunno why I need so much emotional support. A big thanks a lot to all the people out there who have looked out for me. How does one build self-confidence. Haha... Start by accepting my pros and cons. Ya, I saw that somewhere before. Hopefully I start building confidence as I grow older. We all gotta be independent, especially for a guy.

I want to be different. I want to be free. I want to be better than who I am now. So that one day people will see me differently. I have fallen countless times, I'm getting back up again =)

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Mind and Heart

The mind and the heart. One to think and one to feel. Sometimes I depend on thinking too much, and other times I stick to my feelings too much. I guess we gotta balance it out. Thinking too much and being practical can be a bad thing, so is always going with the way you feel, not considering and analysing situations.

Yea this is just something I thought about just now. I feel somewhat better now. Was talking to one of my section mates just now, from the bus to the ferry to that dreaded island. Being older(experienced) and all, I guess he's more sensible? Or maybe I'm just dumb and hard-headed. Haha, I think I really have too little guy friends, thanks to my dancing days in Lasalle. Can't find many guys in this department. So maybe I got no one to relate to or look up to. Come to think of it, it's funny how sometimes I'm clueless about things that they usually do together, or talk about. Football almost is like universal topic.

Ok I heard it's quite a pack schedule this week, including grenade throwing! >_< BETTER NOT screw this up. Seriously. Yep lights out soon. New day of the week tomorrow, starting with AGR (Ability Group Run). In other words it means "run together don't fall behind". Ok, time check: 2202.

Good luck to me, Mohawk Mohawk chiong sua all the way! Good luck to RS Chinese Dance and the three brilliant dancers in Cadence! And... happy holidays to you =)

Shoved.

I don't know why I'm blogging again. Maybe I realized the truth. The truth about just how alone I really am. No one cares.

I have... issues. Things that I don't know how to fix. Things that I cannot fix.

These few weeks, 7weeks or so to be more exact, is like a snowball rolling down to a emotional breakdown. Now it's almost coming all the way down, and I can't take it anymore. I can't fight it anymore. Facing the truth is never easy.

I am not strong. I cannot be that dependable, independent person that I think I should be. I cannot be that confident, easy going smart person that I wanna be. There's just nothing outstanding about me. Just one of those guys fated to fall behind and be forgotten.

I should not have gone into dance. It's against my personality to stand out, to be outspoken. It's contradicting how I enjoy this but feel uncomfortable and uneasy. There's always the fear of not being able to do it. Challenges come, and I stumble and draw back. That's me. Total loser calibre. Not just in dance. Maybe just about everything in life, I try I fail I try I give up. Things just don't seem to go right. I do things and already have the mindset that I can't halfway through.

Saying all this is pointless. No matter how beaten up I am inside, hurt and broken, I still have to put up a strong front. Show that it's not affecting me, that I cannot be broken. It's only human to feel weak at times, but we still stand up when we fall. Maybe by putting up a strong front, you'll start believing and convince yourself that you really are. Fight on... fight on, I just gotta pick my broken self up and go on.

-Another thing, even though a lot and nothing has happened, we have something and nothing, I am thankful coz you make me do things that I would never have done. Feel things that I would never have felt. We have so much and nothing. What we had together before, I can never forget.

I just wasted time writing these out. Ok booking in today. Yes, thank you so much NS for making my life so wonderful.

Adjustment

Long time no update. My first book out! Botak!

Haha, time to recuperate for a bit. Will update soon! =)

24

It's a Monday. It's Youth Day. Am I still considered youth? Turning 20 this year, so with a digit 2 in front, is it adult already? How come there is no Adult Day? Maybe there is nothing much to celebrate as an adult =/ Or maybe they have too many special days reserved for them already, like Labour Day, Father's Day, Mother's Day. But no wait that's for parents. Ok too bad... Maybe someone needs to come up with an Adult Day.

These two weeks has been... colourful. I am having fun almost every single day =) Gotta enjoy it while it last. Even all those 'bad', 'weird', or even 'Samantha Who inspired' dreams won't darken the day... Haha, but I think if I catch a horror movie, 'creative' nightmares will start pouring in. Ok anyway, good food, good experience, good company, all's good!

I've got to stop hoping for something that isn't going to happen. Sooner or later I have to accept that I will be doing National Service for 1year 10months. It's not that long, but I feel that it's long!!! If I could study further, I would have wanted to, continue on a dance degree like many of my classmates/friends. That would have been great...

Okay enough of the daydreaming... O_o" What's important is to think ahead to the future, after that 1year 10months, where things can be changed, starting from the present. I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO. Whatever it is, I want to do something that I would enjoy. THe idea of working in RuiQi dance academy or company sounds really cool, one can always dream right? Not gonna let 'the man' get me down. 'Dance Admin' can take a back seat for now... I'll rather be cooking or something, though I cannot cook.

Mr and Mrs Chong's wedding! The couple of the year.

Off to find breakfast... =)

Home sweet home

Mixed and confused feelings within me. Sleep is the best comfort. Hope those bad dreams do not come tonight...

=)

Bored...

Just being bored... I'm in Hong Kong now, in the computer room in HKAPA. Sitting in front of the comp, it makes me think of the times when I was sitting alone in front of the comp at Lasalle. The internet here is so much faster. Took me ages to load any webpage back in Lasalle... zzZZZ And I like the library here, mostly because of the range of dance DVDs, especially Chinese dance. Esplanade library is so outdated in the dance DVDs section. And there's a viewing room where we can view the videos. I think I could just spend the whole afternoon there without getting bored...

"ELIBIRD where are you, I feel like I'm like a kid at the childcare centre now. Come pick me up!"

Haha, the two sg APA girls are rehearsing for their graduation ceremony now. Yes! We all graduated! The Lasalle students and the APA students. But the Lasalle convocation is held sometime in September, by then somebody's hair is gone -_-" Sad...

Starting to feel that I am finally on holiday =) Can't wait to get back to Singapore too. But not so looking forward to Pulau Tekong... well still got a month to fully utilize. Peace!

匿名的好友

杜松混合茉莉的风
回忆里被爱那股激动
天色好红温柔好浓
在胸口浮现你的面容

一起活在这城市迷宫
提起你名字心还跳动
却没重逢只留下碰却又不敢碰的那种激动

也许我们当时年纪真的太小
从那懵懵懂懂 走进各自天空该怎麼说让彼此选择
但思念还转动

不能握的手 从此匿名的朋友
其实我的执著依然执著与你无关泪自行吸收
不能握的手 却比亲人更亲厚
当所有如果都没有如果
只有失去的温柔 最温柔

当又一次美梦落空
回忆裏被爱那股激动
天色好红温柔好浓
在胸口浮现你的面容
也许我们当时年纪真的太小
从那懵懵懂懂走进各自天空那是甚麼
让彼此选择 又不仅是尊重

不能握的手 从此匿名的朋友
其实我的执著依然执著与你无关泪自行吸收
不能握的手 却比亲人更亲厚
当所有如果都没有如果
只有失去的温柔 最温柔
不能握的手 从此匿名的朋友
其实我的执著 依然执著却决心和你不再联络
不能握的手却比爱人更长久
当所有如果都没有如果
只有失去的拥有 最永久

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Nice song... =)

Gender Bending in Peformance

Yes my friends, another video! Haha, just thought this is kind of interesting so I'll share it here. It's a performance by 李玉刚, a chinese opera performing artist. Like Mei Lan Fang(an older male artist), He is known for his portrayal of female roles. Yep, the singer and the voice in the video is all him. I don't know much about chinese opera and its aesthetics, but in 白毛女, he actually did the dance movements which is en pointe. Stunning, although all he did is bourees... Haha, an alternative career for him could be to join the Trocks. Ok here's the video... =)

Just for the fun of it, thought this might interest you too. Real chinese ballet! Haha...

Facing my Fears

I guess I sort of walked into a hole. And now I am picking myself back up slowly...

Well at least this is not the first time. I gotta deal with this more maturely. This is just something I have to learn to handle, to control. And not get lost in my self delusional hopelessness and helplessness.

Took Ryan's Lyrical Jazz class today. Awesome, maybe he will post the video of the routine on facebook soon :p The song is called Speaking a Dead Language by Joy Williams, a song for the disheartened. Haha...

And somewhere in all the talking
The meaning faded out
Oh, I wonder
When did it all stop making sense?
I don't understand
I remember we were so sure, so innocent
Oh, but that was then
Can we ever go back again?
Can we ever go back?

I felt another sensation of dancing, different from the over-dramatic Chinese dance, different from the technique-focused Ballet. It's just the feeling of immersing self with the music emotionally. It's one of those feeling where you are dancing for yourself because it feels great, and not dancing to impress. Ok gotta rememeber this liberated feeling and put it into my Chinese and Ballet dancing... Well sooner or later I gotta find some way to present a more matured way of dancing.

At this point, I realize that miserable me is blogging again. Just like old times huh... -_-" Feel like this is just the beginning. Wait til NS enlistment draws nearer. That will be the downest of the downs I reckon. PES C please give me PES C.

Confidence, Trust and Courage. Virtues that I don't possess... ...yet.

What ifs

Never thought I would feel like this again. It makes me feel alive, happy; at the same time I know that I am going to die sooner or later. Things change, and nothing is always the same, you, me, them, everyone. But some things are very hard to change, whether I want to or not. It's just of those days where it's those "it's just me" problems.

Ever felt helpless and depressed, that's kind of how I am feeling now. Please let this be just another phase, and I wish it would be gone soon if it isn't going to do me any good.

One thing I learn is to treasure what was and not mourn over what was not. Look forward and don't look back... Fearful of life, fearful of the future. I don't want to risk losing what I hold dear. I want to be normal again, before I do something stupid.

Okay looking forward to tomorrow, hopefully a day of pizza for lunch and a jazz class at night. Peace out.

Another vid...

Okay, I realized most of my posts recently are video uploads... Anyway, here's another one. Haha... I just couldn't resist sharing this =)

Yes, you have just witnessed it, Mr Balang does his thing again. Haha... Xinjiang ren doing Xinjiang dance. I find his showmanship really amazing. Very charming, the ladies out there will be drooling over him. But I think the plate as a prop is quite similar to the Balang drum. Although it is two different types of Uyghur dance, I think there's bound to be comparisons made. Anyway, his dancing is really nice to watch; while some "technicians" excel in wowing the audience with their stunts and tricks, Yu Mi Ti does it with a grin/smirk/smile. So unfair... =p

Hahaha... Enjoy =)

Haha, Rain is a really good dancer...

Omg, check out the costumes. Boxing gloves with black sleeves and leggings? This is either a nice stage costume or a walking disaster (or a dancing one :p) Haha, notice how all the dancers had shades. Usually only the superstars wear shades, backup dancers just dress badly so that they don't stand out.
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One of my all-time favourite Rain performance. The pole dance intro is nice too, exotic but not to the point of overdoing it and making it R21. Haha, I guess Rain is charismatic enough to pull it off. The random pelvic thrusts are hot, kind of have a "hard gay" moment there. Fuuuu!!!!! Hahaha...

Enjoy!

What Next?

Yes people! I have graduated... I repeat, I have graduated. Actually I'm just happy that I don't have anymore academic writings to worry about for now...

Other than that, it's rather... gloomy. I feel that my options are limited. No damn it, it's not even limited, I have none. Next stop: getting a shave and get shoved to some kind of training on some island.

Even if I am not ready, I wanna try things out, to audition, to continue to learn, to improve. I want to try and experience how it is like to work in this field, especially when I am young and can afford to fall and pick myself up.

But I am Singaporean. All I can hope for is to at least remain stagnant for two years and not deprove. NS screwed by life, screwed my plans, screwed my chances. Screwed.

Hillarious. This video has nothing to do with what I posted, except that punchline. Can't believe I'm laughing my a*s off over this British humour. A Woodlands thing maybe? Maybe Serangoon people find it funny too. Haha...

For one thing, humour, like dance is universal, but subjective.

Stepping Up...

Production week is crazy. Well not as crazy, but it's been many long day. We start later than usual, around the afternoon but we finish at night. Time really flies in the theatre; spacing/cue to cue/rehearsal, a quick dinner, and back to work. The next thing I know, it's already 10plus at night. Going for a quick supper can be troublesome, means more money spent on cab fare, and also not forgetting midnight charge! Haha, but okay lah, I do make it a point to catch last trains, and not end up at Jurong East.

I'm nervous. I'm scared. Somehow I convince myself that being prepared calms me down. Knowing what you're doing is a good way to enjoy the whole performance process. I practise a lot... Well mostly practise the chair solo. I hope I do justice to the original dancer and choreographer, adding a touch of ZuYou-ness, and also Tamminising it =p

I know what I am most afraid of is being judged. Judged by my friends, my teachers. I am always criticised, for this and that; the not pointing of the feet, the arch back, lack of portrayal, lack of personality, lack of expression... and the list goes on. I try not to think too much about it. What matters is the show, the performance, oh yea, be in the state of liminality. Haha, here's where performance theory comes back to haunt me =p

Alright wish me luck! I know it's too late but if you happen to read this and am interested to watch the performance, it's the graduation show by the LASALLE school of dance, a night of wonderful contemporary dance works. It's on April 30 and 1 May, 8pm at the LASALLE SIA Theatre. Oh, the school is just beside Sim Lim Square. Tickets at $10, and you can easily get it from me! =)

It's always summer here, always hot, but the theatre is just so cold... and empty.

This.... is old.

IT's LOUD. You've been warned...

Mary belongs to the words of a song.
I try to be strong for her, try not to be wrong for her.
But she will not wait for me anymore, anymore.
Why did I say all those things before I was sure?

(She is the one), but I have a purpose,
(She is the one), and I have to fight this,
(she is the one), the villain I can't knock down.

I see your face with every punch I take,
and every bone I break, it's all for you.
And my worst pains are words I cannot say,
still I will always fight on for you.

Mary's alive in the bright New York sky,
the city lights shine for her, above them I cry for her.
Everything's small on the ground below, down below.
What if I fall, then where would I go, would she know?

(She is the one), all that I wanted,
(she is the one), and I will be haunted,
(she is the one), this gift is my curse for now.


I see your face with every punch I take,
and every bone I break, it's all for you.
And my worst pains are words I cannot say.
Still I will always fight on for you.

(Instrumental)

I see your face with every punch I take,
and every bone I break, it's all for you.
And my worst pains are words I cannot say.
Still I will always fight on for you.
Fight on for you...
Fight on for you...


Found this song "hiding' inside my PSP. It's a song from the soundtrack of Spider-Man 2. I know, it's so old already. I still remember Vindicated used to be the song on my blog :p Oh, I'm a big fan of the Web Slinger. Okay, maybe last time. Now I got no time for these childish indulgences -.-" Anyway, this song(especially the chorus) sounds like how I felt about some experiences I went through last time, which I hate to recall. Well not literally but... metaphorically :p Okay I guess nobody understands what I'm saying here.

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Now that I have no life, I can concentrate more on getting work done, to do what needs to be done, to dance what needs to be danced. I hate this life. Is this what I want? But I do like to busy myself with dance. That's all I know how to do. Other people got places here and there to go, to meet someone, have some appointment, got a gathering etc. All I go are studios. Haha... Nah, I'm quite sure I go out elsewhere sometimes too, just that I don't remember them. So far the only relaxing things I do are the occasional afternoons when I have time to hangout in the school library and the late nights when I am not working on some head-bangin 'ass'ignment.

Not Finished yet...

Came across this on the column of advice for dancers by Linda Hamilton...
Well I changed it a bit here but this are some of the things...

For better or worse, gifted people are often born with a rage to learn and perfect their work. In your case, this innate drive most likely helped you progress in dance. The downside is that it may also have taken over your life. Everyone, including a gifted dancer, requires friends, hobbies, and time off. Without these resources, you can develop a full-blown out case of burnout, which can take three months to recover from after you stop performing. Symptons include a temporary loss of technique, upper-respiratory infections, and an absence of joy, making you question why you even want to dance. Before you make a precipitous decision, please see a psychologist who can help. Many talented people burn out. The challenge is to find a balance between work and quality of life.

Is this happening to me? No I'm not gifted or talented -_-" . But maybe the above explains my so called self proclaimed "mild depression"; and why I hate and dread to go to some *ahem places. A case of mild burnout? But I am scared to stop sometimes, because I know I am not good and have a lot of things to work on. And I am afraid if I stop, I will never start again. I don't know.... Why can't work and quality of life be the same thing? Haha... That would be THE life lah, and ideally that would be what we all want. Happy 24/7...

What about you? I know everyone is stressed and have problems one way or the other. Hang it there! =)

Limited.

Please give me the strength to pull through this.

This period has proven how easily I break and shows the worse sides of me.

Let it all end and let me get back to how it is before. Or better.

I know times lost can never come back. And things in future will always be different, no matter how I try to keep the same, or assume it will the same.

I just want my life to get better. Not saying what I do is tough, lots of other people go through tough shit.

I just want to be better. Then maybe... I can go back and discover what it means to be happy and joyful.

I HATE IT NOW. But yea I understand, shit happens.

Almost there! =)

Almost...

I'm just saying this to boost self-morale... <(O_O)>

Graduating soon!
June 21 is coming!

Before that I got ASSIGNMENTS, Collaboration show and Fly With Me.
CAN ONE LAH!

Haha this is turning out to be pointless. It is getting late anyway.
See y'all...

Zzz...

Yep, am in the library again. The other LASALLE dancers left in Singapore are rehearsing their marathon run piece, which I am not involved. =p Haha... I think some of the foundation dancers should be joining them too.

Good luck to them, we were totally slaughtered this morning in Albert's class, but it's cool that he's in a good mood, so we just did multiple repetitions of all the routines. Is he joking with me, because the class started with him saying, "Lai, three groups, level 1, level 2, level 3." Haha... but it raised a whole new sense of awareness in me when I threw my body around the big studio, so barren and deserted.

Okay, I suppose this afternoon is homework time for me... >_<"

And in the evening, I become Cinderella Man, saving Cheng from dust and dirt.

"I like dancing towards an unreachable goal because it means that even when the curtain comes down, my journey isn't over." -Rashaun Mitchell, urm, a Cunningham dancer

Really?! He feels that way? Just something to think about... But I think it's bull :p There'll be many unnecessary stress and emotional complications with that line of thought. Okay different people can take different levels of stress. And also different people have different perspectives on reaching unreachable goals. Conclusion: It's subjective. Do what's best for yourself.

But I don't know what's best for me... yet.
See how lah... =p

Not Just Another Tuesday

Wish there were more days and nights like this. =)

Just another one of those

I thought my next post was gonna be about something nice or pleasant but.... well, next time maybe...

Am not doing so good. It's been like a month. There's just this feeling that I cannot explain. Nope it's not an emotional feeling. Just a feeling of being mixed up, or messed up, confused; well you get the idea.

Haha, at least I got quite a load of assignments done. Could have done better though.

Is homework messing with my head?

No that's not it. That's just an excuse I give myself...

I don't know what I want to do and I end up doing nothing. I'm not getting along with anything. I feel that my life's been put on hold. I'm not living a life fully. For some reason I just tell myself, what it is now is just temporary, it'll pass. But why am I thinking like this?! There is nothing temporary, this is my life, and this is the way it is. It's like I'm waiting for something to happen or something to pass. Am I not commiting to my life? Like how Melissa says I don't look like I am commiting myself to my movements?

Yes, my problem is I don't commit myself fully to my movements. But not commiting to my life, now that's a big problem. A problem of disastrous proportions... end of my world >_<

Haha, I can't believe I writing all these here. I thought I've learnt to keep things to myself for the better. If it doesn't do anything to say it, or it's pointless, then don't say, because the output will come in the form of complains. But I am blogging about what's eating at me now am I... I suppose subconciously, this is me calling for help. Reaching a point where it's gonna break me. An SOS... is anybody listening?

Oh, by now I thought I would have got used to their insensitive form of words. A bunch of insensitive talking older people that makes me hate them everytime although they are the ones close to me. I really think they should stop talking and thinking like this, it pisses people off. Or maybe it is just sensitive me.

Maybe my mum is right. I always say I feel that I don't belong and don't get along anywhere. But maybe it's because I never try to...
I am human, I am not perfect, but I try.
I am not happy with who I am, but I try.
Clearly I am misunderstood alot, but I try.
Things aren't always what it seems... I feel pain too, even sometimes when it seems alright.
I want to dig a hole and hide.
I don't wanna be judged.

All this will pass... in time. You see? That's my problem.

Sweet Charity at SIA

Went to watch Sweet Charity yesterday night... Alone. It was performed by the school's Musical Theatre Students and I could spot some Alumnis. I enjoyed the show, wonderful sets, nice music, great performance. It all looked so professional, and I could see that it was a big budget show. Luckily I bumped into Brian, thanks for giving me a ticket! Haha...


___________________________________________________

This one of my favourite scenes. It's a dance. =p

"The best and safest thing is to keep a balance in your life, acknowledge the great powers around us and in us. If you can do that, and live that way, you are really a wise man." - Euripides

"Only those who dare to fail greatly, can ever achieve greatly." - Robert F. Kennedy

___________________________________________________________

Gotta be strong... =)

Disappointment

Simple Plan- Perfect

Hey dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan
And do you think I'm wasting my time doing things I wanna do
But it hurts when you disapprove all along

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend that
I'm alright
And you can't change me

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care anymore

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard
Just to talk to you
But you don't understand

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
__________________________________________________________

Some things never change.

I'm sorry I can't be perfect.

Why the sad face?

Haha, back again in the library, really shouldn't be hanging around here too much. Gigi and An's in the library too, somewhere across me :p I should be in the studio doing more productive work. Today was just like any other day, depressing... But nah, nothing major or tragic happened. All's good.

I don't know... I'm just jaded. No I'm not good, I need to work harder. But I'm not seeing much results, they are not seeing much results too. Because I say that I try, but actually I should do more! Think people think! I got a feeling academic work is really really piling up. I haven't been touching them in a while. I feel the long late nights coming soon (please no procrastination! :p) .... Dance cultures in Asia fusion dance, Collaboration!

I got this big question right now... What's an introvert like me doing in dance? It's contradicting and it's... annoying.

Am I better off stuck in some office cubicle? Haha, no I don't have the brains for it.

All these random stuffs running round and round. That's what you call thinking too much about pointless things when there's so much work to be done. T_T

I'm tired... Tired of my not so tiring but tired schedule, tired of me being such a loser at home when usually I am a good person, tired of me having these two different sides, tired of the depressed me, tired of trying to act like someone I am not.

I am tired.

I need a rest. I want to be happier.

The Week so far...

The schedule of project week is crazy! (Well sometimes I feel) Even though there's no ballet and contemporary technique class in the morning, it still felt like a long day. We start at 10, which is not that early. The day is packed full with rehearsals one after another, of if we're lucky, there's short breaks in between. My brain's gonna explode from trying to remember so many movements. Ok ok, patience is the key. No point getting frustrated and lose it =) I hope I can get through to graduation fast. Just thinking about all the incomplete Collaboration, Dance Culture, FWM makes me stress.

Why am I so reluctant to go work on all these? That's my failing. But I can be "hardworking" at other things. Weird... -_-" It's all in the head. And my head is blank. Or it's on standby mode. One word. Lazy. zzz zzz zzz...

I've been having a hard time convincing myself to go school. I don't know why I'm doing this. But lately it's getting better. Maybe I don't like some of the stuff we do. But I think, maybe, knowing how to appreciate and enjoy some of the nicer little things is enough. Enough to help get me through the day. Haha, oh and now I realize how having something to look forward to helps :p YES, I AM GOING HOLIDAY!!! WAHAHAHA =p

Right now, I still feel like I am standing at the edge of the cliff, with chances of falling off. Somebody pull me back please... I need to find my place soon. Confused...

Back to rehearsal now. See ya!

Here There and Nowhere

Lasalle internet connection is slow! But it's better than nothing still. And we need to log in using our lasalle account now.

I ask myself why I'm doing all this. I don't know why. Is it because I like it? Maybe, but sometimes I cannot totally agree too. Just hoping I push through everything and graduate. Collaborations, research papers/ dances, FWM. What comes next I'll find out and and work out something along the way -_-" ... What a plan.

You know my what my problem is? I do think about things. I do plan things. I just don't do it. I don't make it happen.

How I wish life was different, and maybe I wouldn't be here right now.

There isn't much I can do sitting in this library is there? Haha... Off I go then.

I think there is still lao po bing rotting in my house =P

"Solution"

Solutions and Mixtures... AHAHAHAA.

Wow, this few days are exhausting. I barely slept 3 or 4hours these nights, consecutively. This is not an ideal lifestyle man I'm telling you.

Life's tiring. But it's good. All's good =)

Don't Lose Hope.

Follow Your Destiny Wherever It Leads You

There comes a time in your life where you realise
that if you stand still, life will pass you by.
There is a path before you now.
Walk it one step at a time.
Keep your head up, and cast your dreams to the stars.
You will find your new journey magnificent
and beyond your wildest imaginings.

-Vicki Silvers
_______________________________________________________

Just happen to come acorss this while packing my stuff.

Nothing

Change. I cannot adapt to change quickly and comfortably. Sometimes things change and I am still stuck in my own old world. Still thinking about what there was, not what it is. I cannot embrace the present fully and live happy with it.

Moving house soon! Still be living in Woodlands area, but more towards Marsiling ba. It'll be a different environment ba, kinda... it's still a quite neighbourhood, but even quieter without the random lorries and motocycles zooming past. The new house will be in the middle of a few blocks of houses, not right beside the road of Woodlands Drive 14.

I need time to think things out. Maybe... Coz right now I am in a "not so okay" kinda feeling. Hmmm... I have no idea how to put all these into words, will probably complicate confuse people if I try. I am just feeling very out of place. People around me, everywherer I am, I feel like a stranger. I think it's just me being sort of anti-social. But why? I am human too, a socialble creature. Arg...

Sometimes I think people don't take me seriously. I don't take things seriously enough myself maybe, and always think of giving up before I even fully commit to it. I hate myself for being such a loser sometimes. It's not just about dance, but me as a person and how I do things. =(

Gotta love what I am doing.
Gotta learn to take care of myself.
Gotta know what's important.
Gotta make the right choices.
Gotta catch 'em all. (-_-" this is not funny at all.)
Gotta make sure I don't repeat past mistakes.
Gotta know what's good and what's not.
Gotta forget and let go.
Gotta grow up.

I so look forward to the day things change. For the better.

Finding peace within

I have so many questions that I don't have the answers for.
You have so many questions that I don't have the answers for.

Is it because I never think about it? Is it that I really don't know? Or I don't wish to find out?

Took a journey down memory lane and all I am reminded of are mostly the bad things. But I know there were happy moments too. I wish some things didn't turn out the way it did.

Tonight's awfully quiet. I don't wanna think about all this. Not today.

I still remember that calmness I felt then. That everything's good, that things are gonna be okay...

新不了情

Hopelessly Devoted to You


_________________________________________________________

So old school, not my generation. But some things never change.

Old!

轨迹- 周杰伦

怎么隐藏我的悲伤
失去你的地方
你的发香散得匆忙
我已经跟不上
闭上眼睛还能看见
你离去的痕迹
在月光下一直找寻
那想念的身影
如果说分手是苦痛的起点
那在终点之前我愿意再爱一遍
想要对你说的不敢说的爱
会不会有人可以明白
我会发着呆然后忘记你
接着紧紧闭上眼
想着那一天会有人代替
让我不再想念你
我会发着呆然后微微笑
接着紧紧闭上眼
又想那一年你温柔的脸
在我忘记之前
________________________________________________
I know this song is old. I happen to come across it again when I was digging through my old burnt cds. And I was like... Hmmm... why so sad one =p Hahaha... Enjoy!

Late post

I should be sleeping now, but I thought I'll just update a bit. *Cough!

Having a very bad case of non-stop coughing. I feel like I am coughing my lungs out. Feel so out of breath and to make things worse, I sweat a lot from working the muscles to cough. Haha... This is a good way to train abs =p

The funny thing is I am fine the whole day, with just occasional burst of cough. But as night approaches, that's where the nightmare comes. I turn into this coughing monster, breathing in huge amount of air, and sometimes gets a choking sensation and releases multiple coughs. Okay, that's not funny, but seriously I think it's killing my lungs and throat. Even now I am coughing and sweating. It's best when I sleep, don't think I cough when I sleep. First thing I do when I wake up in the morning is breathe in the fresh air and go *cough! -_-" Man... I wish it gets better soon.

Is my body falling apart? *cough! And another thing is... my knee hurts today. More than usual. I have no idea why, I didn't do anything to aggravate it. I hope it gets better, or at least get to the normal injured state that it has always been in.

I am going to miss opera. I am going to miss all the rehearsals where we would meet up like almost every night. Okay that is just random. Maybe I'll write more on this soon, if there's time.

Haha... Had a wonderful lunch last Saturday. Pizza Hut and Starbucks. Best lah, and my wallet got a lot lighter after that.

PLEASE RECOVER SOON.

If the future depends on a choice between past and present, which one will I choose?

A Weekend

Was involved in the Lasalle Open House last friday and saturday. Strange that's it called open house now, coz usually we refer to it as C-Day. Maybe that didn't make sense to most people so they change to the more literal "Open House". Anyway, if you guys have been to Lasalle before you would have realized that the walls inside the school are painted by the students. Before the open house, the walls are all painted white again -_-" Gonna miss some of the paintings. So these few days, the arts students are painting new works on the walls. Saw quite a few jap-themed paintings. No more Joker Face painting. Haha...

Our dance faculty presnted three pieces, Loretta Livingstons's piece, Tammy's Bach solo, and Grace's hip-hop piece. I know the hip-hop piece is a high energy piece that drive the crowd, but I hope it doesn't give them the wrong assumption that hip-hop dance is one of our modules. Hmmm, I wonder how it'll be like if it is... Haha, can't imagine me popping and locking and doing contemp at the same time every morning.

I went to see the Fashion department's booth. They showed some designs by the students and there was also a projection on the wall that was playing one of their runway shows! I thought that was so cool! The F flexible space was transformed into a runway where the models enter from the door and did the catwalk. They had mostly angmoh models and some locals. I wonder where they got the models from. Sian, short person like me will never get to catwork down a high fashion runway show =/ Not that I care... =p Oh... and I saw this quote at the gallery:

"Perfection is regressive. It makes teenage girls aneroxic, academics neurotic, and artists act like a*sholes."

Watched Albert's "The Passing" on Saturday night. BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I DIDN'T FALL ASLEEP. I watched the whole piece. Kind of offends me how surprised the lasalle peeps were that I didn't doze off -.-" Hahaha... Well the piece is about death and how people perceive it to be. What can I say, the whole piece is.... deep. To be honest, I don't really understand what the whole thing is trying to say. Maybe that's why I was awake, trying very hard to understand and enlighten myself. The Frontier dancers are very good as always. Made used of speech too, in Mandarin of course.

The following weeks are gonna be busy. Oh! I may get a chance to do the Omar chair solo for FWM =) I hope I won't disappoint anyone. Okay, jiayou dance cultures. Jiayou performance theory. Jiayou FWM. Jiayou Coppelia maybe :p Franz better come back soon and improve on his horrible technique.

I don't know what mattters to me. What is important, what is not?

Haha... a random thought, PIZZA HUT!

Needs to sleep more

Realized I haven't been posting things here recently. Been quite tied up with stuff. Having the same problem again, too many commitments. Is two considered too many? Haha, I guess in a way it is coz there is only one of me! I can't be at two places at one time.

Even though I'm not doing any super heavy physical stuff, I feel so worn out. Lack of sleep, and lack of some free time for myself. Is it selfish of me to ask for some time to do things I wanna do? Haha...

Going back to school felt both relieving and depressing. Well at least I am doing something... But I feel so out of place, not just in school but in those two other places too.

Now I'm just kinda motivated and not motivated at the same time. Looking at my pathetic body, I wanna work hard to be better, I also wanna just give up. What's not to be is not to be. Unless advances in technology allow me to tweak parts of my body. I don't ask for much, just give me a more danceable body and mind =p

Life's just not the same anymore. It changed.

Will update again next time with something that more worth talking about... -_-"

First Post 2010!

Oh yea, this is my first post of 2010! And I am like 4 days late.

School hasn't started for me yet. Just gonna go back for rehearsal and a performance this week. The real school term starts next week, complete with all its brain-wrecking assignments and torturous classes. Let's hope I get to do something I like for Dance Cultures. I wanna write a paper on a Chinese Folk Dance, if I am allowed to. As for performance theory, let's just say I got a long way to go. Gotta read more and be more knowledgeble about ideals, theories and performative studies. All the why this and why thats. As for my dancing, well just gotta "Go Hard or Go Home". Haha...

End of my life as I know it. Well end of my holiday life to be exact. My mind is still not ready. The taste of freedom seems so far... Hahaha. It's not that I don't like to go there. I just wish I had time for myself; to think or to do what I want. But if I do, I may end up being a slacker. Oh well, can't have the best of both worlds.

Gonna do Ba Lang again this weekend. I need to have a practise before the rehearsal and the actual performance.

How long can I keep this up? Chasing these... dreams? Where's my plan B, I don't have one.

I'm still here

Time check: 2.37am. Yep, middle of the night, the best time to think too much. I've been having these late nights recently, staying up at this unearthly hours and knocking out when it's almost morning. Well that usually happens during the holidays. Once school term starts, I'll be back to waking up early, and not sleeping so early.

Yep, christmas. Christmas time is here. Christmas time is over. Don't celebrate christmas, not in the western traditional fashion, but well I was expecting something special. What was I thinking? What, the magic season of the year? Like, what's this festive season all about, it's not even snowing here. Every time of this year, I kept hoping for something special and getting disappointed. Haha, right it is actually pretty much a normal day. A public holiday with people swarming in the streets and the malls everywhere. Haha...

Can't say I didn't have a good time. Spent the whole day with my family and grandma on christmas eve. We had lunch, tea and dinner. Think I gained like a few kilos that day. Just eating, eating and still eating. Pasta, pizza, frappe, cakes, ice-cream, Ko Ruo Pao, Fried noodles, steamed fish!

Skyped with Elibird that night, all the way from Hong Kong! So funny. Dumb woodlanderism. Sorry to my dog Nicole if I kept her up all night. The computer is in the living room and that happens to be where she sleeps. Seems like Elibird's having a great father-daughter-godparents bonding time. Haha... I'm just kidding. Glad she's doing fine.

Christmas was another half day with my family, cept my sis who's working. Lunch was great I tell ya, beats all the $200+ meal we had on the day before. Was at balestier rd, Bak Ku Teh and Bak Chor Mee! Ok, I'm sounding like a hungry ghost here, but you get the picture. I dunno how celebrities get on these food hunting shows and comes up with different expressions and reactions to the food they eat. Like one for each dish. They must have a thesaurus with words related to nice and yummy. You know how many times they have to express their gratitude for tasting food, like 8 to 10 times per episode. That's like more than a 100 in a season! Haha, respect to them =p

Watched Bodyguards and Assassins with a few huaykuan peeps later that evening. It's a great film to catch. Might get disappointed by the small number of fight scenes by Donnie Yen, but he still kicks ass. Everyone gets their eyes peeled to the screen once he starts his kungfu thing. Oh, and Zhang XueYou made a cameo appearance at the beginning. An educated idealist, enlightening us on what is democracy, and made his dramatic exit by getting shot in the head, blood splashing out in all directions. I was like, "PG? Ohkay..." Great show. Totally worth the money and I can assure you it beats Feng Yun II by a mile.

I've wasted so much time this holiday. Can't say I haven't played but then again I didn't play much. First was the Coppelia production, just when it ends, there's opera rehearsals. I know it's in the evening, but knowing you have to be somewhere in the evening pretty much spoils your whole day. And I mostly end up rotting. Ok, holidays' ending soon.

It is a good thing coz I am thinking too much. Not in the academic way, but the foolish kinda way that can make you go nuts. I need to get a grip. No one's gonna be happy with a sad old bloke like I am now. I know it, they all know it. I hate how things turn out. I have so much regrets. What I should have done. What I shouldn't have. How it might have been. What would have happen. Why is it always like this. Why it happens over and over again. You see what I mean by thinking too much?

Alright, time to get ready for my last semester. From then on, it'll be a much tougher road ahead. I STILL DUNNO WHAT I WANT TO DO!

Let's rock 2010 baby! Make 'em proud. I hope each and everyone of ya out there a good time. Live life like never before. Have no regrets and just keep moving forward with a smile. Taking down each stupid 'plie' a day at a time.

Peace. Time check: 3.18am

Too Free?

Yes! Turns out there's no class or rehearsal on christmas eve and christmas. Isn't that just great. But damn it, two free days and now... I have no idea what to do. Hahaha.

Well anything still beats last christmas =p
Don't wanna think about it.

Check This Out!

This is some wicked dancing.
Awesome choreography.

Haha check out Ring Ding Dong too =)

SOS

This is a neverending conflict. This is a neverending problem.

Maybe it is simply just because it's the middle of the night and I should go sleep. There is this... hole inside of me that cannot be patched up. That empty feeling of agony or something. I dunno. I feel so down sometimes with such ease that it's stupid.
I need someone to be here.
I need someone to talk to sometimes.
I need someone to get me out of it.
I need someone to tell me that it's okay.
I need someone to get me going wherever I am going.
and I'm sounding like some messed up emotional person now.

Not again! Not now. Not ever.

Do you believe in second chances? Or even a third?

Better off alone...

11 in the Morning

Random post... I've been waking up late recently. Sleeping late too of course. Bad habit. Gotta adjust my biological clock back to normal. Don't sleep like a pig!

Gonna cut my hair. Whole head's gotten bushy again since the last time I chopped it off. Haha. I hope I don't wear out before the performance this weekend. Almost done! Better buck up this week =p

Franz where are you? Come out quick! Haha...

December... Christmas?

Decemeber's here! Yup, it is almost the end of the year, about 27 more days to go. Still not fully enjoying the holidays yet. I need to practise more for Coppelia. Been getting more and more lazy, someone motivate me! Haha, I dunno why, but I really find it difficult to get into the condition to practise male variations. Have you noticed that male variations are often full of jumps and turns ONLY? One minute and you'll be gasping for air or clinging to a wall. No stamina lah me =p Jogging maybe? Nah...

I went to visit some old places on Monday. Alone, "ZuYou's day out" -.- I spent the whole day by myself, walking around partially aimlessly, and went for rehearsals in the evening. And guess what, I found quite a few Swatch shops. The hook on the Swatch watch given to me on my 18th birthday is broken. I wanted to get it fixed but I didn't bring it out that day. Next time then...

I can't wait for the real real holidays to start, after dec 13. Then again, I need more time to get myself ready for the performance. I suck! I look really awful in ballet. No feet, no turn-out, no elevation, don even have the ballet look when I dance. Someone enlighten me! Kick that playful lazy thinking mind-set out of me! Not time to loosen up yet. On the other hand, I have no idea what to do after the production. No class? What else is there to do? PIZZA HUT!!! Eat til I grow fat.

Dreading christmas... No idea what to do. Yet.

So far...

Yes, I'm still alive. Made it this far, gotta keep going.

Exams over! Haha, could have done better for contemp, me and the Lv3s kinda screwed up the exam, all too nervous I guess. I scored better for ballet than contemporary -.-" The teacher must be too excited over my ballet exam attire, a white leotard and grey tights with suspenders. Hahaha...

Collab Grey Matter's over! Well I admit I did have a great time. It was our own production, with works by me and my classmates, plus Lulu's and Melissa's. I'm so grateful that Melissa danced the piece with me. And of course thank you An so much. What would I do without her, really like my mother already :p Thanks to all my mothers! Hahaha...

Genting's performance is over! I just reach Singapore on Monday. Although it was a short trip for me, but I really had a blast! Had a great time though I didn't play at Genting at all... except for the last morning when me and the guys were hanging out at the arcade for a while. Sunday was a full day of blocking, rehearsal, performance. The floor is sick! So rough and totally unsuitable for dance. My shoe died in rehearsal and I ended up with burned skin on my knees. Haha, but I'm glad coz I felt I did a good perf myself. I know I'm not good, but I enjoyed performing that night, I wasn't afraid of being judged and I was just doing what I like. Cried at the end of gay boy dance, coz I kinda felt touched halfway through the piece, when my 'mum' finally accepts me. It's been a long time since I dance like this with the Huay Kuan peeps. So long that I've forgotten what it's like to be a dance troupe, a Wu Tuan.
There is nothing like this elsewhere. Not at school. Not at Cheng.
Here we laugh together.
Here we play together.
Here we eat together.
Here we cry together.
Here we 'die' together.
Here we 'chiong' together.
Here we dance together. =)

Now I gotta focus on Coppelia. This is where technique is put to the test. Damn my not so capable body! I'm working on it! =p Need more muscles, strength and flexibility. "Don't dance like a piece of wood!", Franz jiayou! Hahaha...

___________________________________________________________

I'm just so mixed up lately. Some things are drifting further away from me. Some things are coming back into my life. Things change. Whether I want them to or not. Someday we all just gotta learn to live what we have. It's all about choices again isn't it. It is about what we choose. And things are just beyond our control, not choices for us to make.

I just wish.... ='/
___________________________________________________________

Still my all-time idol =p

Slow and Steady

Life isn't all that bad.

Just gotta keep going.

Jaded

I am so... tired.

There is so many things happening at the same time. I got Friday's performance, Ballet exam, Contemporary exam, Collaboration showing, Genting performance, Coppelia.

I know I complain a lot and things aren't so bad once it's over. But how am I going to pull through this. Right now it's just crazy. My mind and body is calling for a break! My mind can't focus and do my academic work. My mind can't remember all the examination combinations. My mind can't remember all the steps for Collab. Sorry yh and ll. And most sorry to myself, for being too busy and tired to give a damn about my own lousy piece.

And I really need to practise for those upcoming performances. No way I can perform in Genting with this level of lousy dancing. And seriously ballet is impossible for me. I can't even stand decently without arching my back. I cannot do pirouette or turns of any sort, coz I'm so stupidly retarded and stiff. I just can't turn out for crying out loud. I try and try, I stretch a lot, I do cool down. My body just isn't built for this kind of thing. You know how some people can come and just do everything.

There is a point where hardwork alone is just not enough. Now that I'm not even motivated to work hard, what else am I good for? I should just give up.

Sleep deprived -_- zzz

Better...

Performed Ba Lang just now. Not very well done but still not so bad :p I practised a lot at huay kuan in the afternoon. Was running it section by section, the fast beginning, the dancey middle, and the fast ending. It is a super tiring five minutes man, definitely not for the weak at heart. 5 minutes of ba langish dancing is as tiring as doing Flames of Paris or La Fille Mal Gardee. Really comparable.

Then I practised the whole item again and again. Thanks Shi Hui jie jie for helping me to turn the music on and off. Literally sweat through my shirt and pants. I should never dance with props. Especially when you have to throw them. You never know when things go wrong. The slightest mistake or error can spoil the trick. Oh my, to me throwing the drum is one of the hardest things to do other than the dancing itself. Every run I did, I accidentally dropped the drum somewhere at some point. So I did many improvised versions of the dance. Interesting... and some are just plain dumb and funny.

Because I rehearsed many times, I'm aching and guess what... I cramped during the show! My whole right inner thigh was cramping the moment I squat. So all my squatting movements have awkward cans and jerks. Haha, luckily it's ming jian wu... can fake a bit =p Then there was this place where I did a spilt vertically. I was literally using that moment to stretch my muscles out. I never anticipated all this to happen. I know my drum might slip off and all... but cramping and stretching on stage? That's something new.

Ok lah, the stage is small and I had spacing problems. And I couldn't execute the movements perfectly because of the cramp, sloppy and clumsy movements. But I'm happy that I was focused and quite into the dance. That's the least that's good about today. I'll practise more.

Feeling better compared to this morning. I was a total wreck. Sometimes I feel so weak and useless that I need someone to be there. Someone to encourage and tell me everything's gonna be alright. But no... I gotta be stronger than this. I gotta be better than this.

Be strong.

I'm gonna go do my work now.

It's a quiet night. I hope everything's fine and good for you too :)

Suffocating.

Even after dans fest, things are still as hectic as ever. Everything. It's still too much for me to handle. School, assignments, rehearsals, performances. I really can't multi-task.

It's okay if I have time to do each at a time. But right now everything is just coming right at me. And all I end up doing is screaming at myself. I'm missing classes in school in the morning. I need time to do my work. Need time to seriously sit down, think and write, not just splatter words and paragraphs for the sake of meeting datelines. It's pointless getting back papers with big fat D on it.

Choreography takes time too. And I've been rushing and not thinking about what I'm doing properly. Don't even wanna talk about my collaboration with Music Tech students. Somehow I gotta find a way to see the dance together with electronic music. I'm not saying the music is bad, just that what I've made is not going well with the music composition at all.

I miss everything.

I miss dancing because it's fun.

I miss dancing because I want to.

I'm gonna do my work now.

So f*cked.

Up Against the World

Am in the Esplanade green room now. I still rememebered myself sitting here back in 2007 during Dans Fest then. This year's performance is called Tuesday's Child. Lasalle dancers are gonna rock this turtle shell down! Haha...

I just finished the second show. I felt I did good (finally!) for yesterday's rehearsal (yes, just the rehearsal =/ ). I'm giving it my all in Omar's piece, Up Against the Wall. I'm doing two emotional pieces this year. Felt like I was really immersed in the piece, but how I look visually in the performance is another question. At least I got to feel how it's like to be in performance and engaging in a simulation. Haha, performance theory is really getting into my head :p. Sadly, this only happened in the rehearsal.

The show yesterday night went okay for me too. But I was really concious and worried that I couldn't do everything properly. But overall, we did okay =)

The matinee show just now was okay too. Maybe we lack energy, but still rock it I hope. Gonna go prepare for the next show now. My last show with the school at the Esplanade. Gotta stay in the zone! I need to warm-up and up and up. Shyness be gone =p

Yup. All's good. =D

Perharps...

I've been thinking lately, and seeing different things lately. Things don't always go the way I want it to. Or rather I may not be able to do things I want to, no matter how much I want. Sometimes it just isn't meant to be. All I do is hope. Perharps I should be more open to changes?

What do you think?

Performance Theory kills

I've got to manage my time better. Just missed two technique classes today -_-" I hope Mr Cheng doesn't hammer me with his words again. Dang, If I had more interest in my work, I could have got things done faster and easier...

Melissa is right, I've got to talk and settle things properly soon, or it will affect my academics and I'll end up with lousy writings. But I don't know how and what to cut down. There's so many things to prepare for. Got p.o.p, genting, lee foundation.

I need a break. I felt like I've finally caught my breath today now that I have some "free time" for myself. I shouldn't be skipping classes for written assignments. Okay, and I shouldn't be here now too. Off to IF rehearsal now O.o" This is the most stressful dance ever man... You can tell from the dancers' faces.

I look like Thai meh? O_o?

Untitled

It is at times like this, in the middle of the night that I begin to think...

I am on the verge of breaking down.

What the hell am I doing here? Why am I doing all the things that I'm doing now? What is it that I want to do? I am so busy with everything, with commitments to Huay Kuan. To Cheng. To school. Three different places, three different dances.

Contemporary dance is still something unfamiliar to me. I feel uncomfortable with it I don't know why. Maybe it's because of its freedom of expression. I for one am quite introverted. I am afraid to show myself, to show what I am, or who I am. I can't dance to express which is really a failure as a dancer. I do not know how to dance contemporary in comtemporary's sense of beautiful raw expressiveness. I can't do contemporary dance.

Ballet is impossible. What with all its high standards of body capabilities and facilities. Just look at me. I don't have the ideal feet, the hips, the body, everything. My height is way below average. I am short. I can't even turn naturally for crying out loud. Ballet is for freaks. I can only dream of dancing ballet on a professional stage. I can't do Ballet.

Chinese dance is what I've been doing the longest and what I hold closest to. But that doesn't mean I'm any better at it. To be honest, I don't really know what Chinese dance truly looks like. I just learn what I learn from SHHK and I see videos of Chinese dances on the net. I am very limited in my knowledge and understanding of Chinese dance, be it classical or folk. I've always wanted to do Chinese Dance and do it as my primary form of dance. But I guess it is not meant to be. I don't have the teachers to teach me what I want to learn. I am limited in what I can do and I don't have the talent and the edge to do it. Some people just have it in them. I don't learn or practise Chinese Dance in Lasalle. Even if I want to learn it properly elsewhere after, I'll still have to go through two years of NS first. By then, even if I were to study Chinese Dance, I'm way too old to dance it. Youth is an asset that would have long disappeared. I've always dreamed of performing on a big stage, I guess it's not be... I can't do Chinese Dance.

What the hell am I doing? Please...

Tell me what I'm doing is worth it.
Tell me what I'm doing is not a waste of time.
Tell me what I'm doing is within my reach.
Tell me what I'm doing is okay.
Tell me what I'm doing is useful and appropriate.
Tell me what I'm doing is not just a day dream.
Tell me what I'm doing is not childish.
Tell me what I'm doing is being appreciated.
Tell me what I'm doing is not foolish.
Tell me what I'm doing is within my reach.
Tell me you believe in me.

I found comfort in reading the birthday cards and letters my friends gave me. Words of encouragement and wishes. It always cheered me up a bit. I really appreciate all these and I keep them.

I've grown... distant. From the people I hold dearly to.

I should never have posted this.

Pissed

My life's in a mess. Too many commitments. I am so f*cked -_-"

I shouldn't swear. Shall edit this post soon.

I don't know if I can make it...

=(

Post Procrastination

Doing my work now. Finally! =P

Go check out Lizz Aggiss and Xavier Le Roy. Interesting urm.... dance practioners/ performers/ artists? Haha, they're unique beyond catergorisation :p

Back to work!

1.25

Yes it's late I know. I just showered and I'm sitting in front of the com now for no particularly good reason. I'm still gonna be going to school tomorrow. Gonna drag my lazy butt down... Hahaha.

Assignments are coming back to haunt me again. It's piling up very soon. Ok, gonna be quite a packed weekend for me. Thanks ar, dance culture essays, perf lab and collab journals. I'll be killing quite some brain cells doing these.

I went to watch a dance theatre piece with my lasalle classmates, a piece made by Xavier Le Roy. Amazing lah... basically what he did was pretend we the audience are the musicians in the orchestra pit and he is the conductor conducting us. I dozed off several times I admit but I was still pretty much awake for most of it. It isn't all that bad depending on what your perspective of a good dance is. He has a concept and something he wants to present. Call me old fashion, but I still can't appreciate works like this fully. But oh well, we all have to learn to be receptive. Don't ask me why I go to watch, we were all told to go watch.

I'm looking forward to watch Paloma Herrera and Shen Wei =)

Went to eat Thai Express with some of the remaining night owls who didn't mind staying out late after the show. Oh man, I really suck at handling spicy food. Even the green curry almost killed me. I lost count of how many cups of water I drank while eating. Don't get me wrong, the food is good. Reminds me of eating at Uncle Phoebe's cafe. Hahaha, "Uncle Phoebe"... -_-"

Yea, I got no idea why I'm blogging randomly at this hour. Thought it'll be nice to write what I did instead of the usual emo-self-bashing posts...

Alamak, I still can't figure out how to turn properly. Okay, this is important... I must not dance like a piece of wood. Too stiff! Relax the upper body and neck, which gives allowance for spotting. Don't think too much about alignment, leave that to muscle memory... just spin. I was like randomly whacking triples in the afternoon but now I gotta figure out how to land decently.

Ok next time I'm gonna take it easy in classes. No messing around, especially with a knee that needs a lot of sayang sayang =p

Zu You procrastinates too much. O_o"

And so it continues...

Alright, enough self bashing. I'm more or less feeling better now... mentally. Screw everything. So what if I feel that my life sucks. Many others are probably having it worse. I'm alright. I'm good I'm good...

I went to Hui Kuan thinking there was class today. So forgetful! They were performing at the temple opposite SHHK today. A dance to pay respects to Kong Zhi or something like that. I only realized that class was cancelled after I changed and it was like almost 1.30 but no one was around. Gahhhh.... Stupid stupid. Well anyway, I went down to the temple to watch them. I took pics! Oh yea, I'll post them on the web as soon as I figure out how. I know nuts about computer stuff -.-"

I bought dove shampoo! Haha, finally... =P

I shall work harder in my dancing now. Yea my knee isn't getting any better but that shouldn't be an excuse. I'll try to do more, as much as I can, but not anything foolish that would do harm. I hope I can jump properly soon! Woah, I never knew how much it sucks to be not able to jump. Trust me, you would go crazy without jumping for weeks. Haha... Feel so... grounded. Haha. No more 50% marking! Turn it up to 65! Or a 80! Yup... Nothing can get me down as long as I stay positive. Wish me luck!

One word. CHIONG.

Peace.

Still Injured

Oh man, I sat in front of the computer for almost half a day. Good thing is, I finished my work... =)

I watched the Moonfest performance on Friday. Good job everyone! Xing Peng Xing looks great, Ba Lang looks awesome, Bai Shou looks nice. I hope I get to perform with the Huay Kuan dancers the next time.

I feel so unwelcomed everywhere. It looks to me that everyone's got their own loved ones. My Family. Huay Kuan. Cheng. Why is it that I feel like an outsider that just happen to be around sometimes. Why is it I always feel so left out? Am I really just meant to be like this and nothing more? I hope it's just me thinking too much...

Stop treating me like this. I hate it. I hate myself for being me. But I can't change who I am.

I just have to try.

Nothing comes close to feeling like this...

Down in

I'm miserable. And I have the tendency to bring misery to those around me, especially those close to me. I'm sorry I suck the joy out of everybody.

Wake me up when september ends.

Thought I saw you walking down the street
It was a mistake
It was all in my head
Thought I could make things better this time
It was not to be
It was my fault
Thought I was doing fine
It was an illusion
It was a fragile one

I'm sad. What's new.

Nuff Said.

What am I still doing here? Haha... =p

My Place

I guess everyone's having a hard time at something. I dunno, maybe I'm just not strong enough...

Haven't been myself lately. Too much down-ness. And what? Just because of a minor knee injury? That is so unbecoming. I got so screwed just because I had to hesitate about how I can or cannot move all the time. I can't really tell what's bad and what's alright for my knee. Technically sometimes even the slightest pressure on it causes pain. But that should be normal for one who constantly jumps here and there like a monkey and tries crazy stunts right? Okay, yes I know, take good care and rest, that's the best way for it to get better faster.

I don't know what to say or feel about all this that's happening. I dropped out of so many pieces. Yes I regret it but I know I'll regret more if I didn't and worsen the ligament strain, further creating all sorts of bad consequences. I wished I was able to do those pieces... for moonfest, for dans fest. But well, that's just wishful thinking. No point thinking about it now =)

Gotta get my life back together. Be responsible. Be matured. Be sensible. Be respectful. Be receptive. Be open-minded. Be prepared. Be patient. Be strong.

Arg... I won't talk about all that's happened. It won't change a thing. At the end of the day, it still beats the crap out of me.

If I must fall, I shall fall with grace. (grace has more then one meaning :p)

Emo Night

Don't talk to me. I'm fine. Just depressed over my knee. That's all.

Thanks.

Untitled

I screwed up.

I keep losing my temper.

I keep disappointing the people around me.

I'm sorry I'm weak and can't take the challenges life throws towards me.

I'm sorry I lost it again and again.

My knee got screwed up just after a few years of training. I'm not getting anywhere with my standard of dancing. I really should just give up now. The sooner the better. It's clearly true that I can never make it in this industry. Even those with the talent, the leverage, the money could hardly make it big. Who am I to think that what I'm doing is worth it? Just burning money and wasting time away... Their money, their time. No way I can repay them back.

I hope one day someone will scold and scream at me. Wake me up from all these childishness, and all these foolish dreaming. I'll stop my ingnorance now.

No matter how hard I try, I keep failing to outrun myself.

The Life!

ARG!!!! Work work work and more work. It just keeps coming and coming.

And my knee's gone worse. It hurts now on its own free will. I don't have to jump and land to feel it anymore. It hurts randomly. -.-" Better go see a doctor soon.

More HOMEWORK to be done! ARG!!!

I wish... nevermind.

Why do we fall?

Oh man, I hate myself for dreading homework. Just managed to complete two of my journals, and it's like 3 in the morning already. Gonna be walking zombie tomorrow morning. Things would be a whole lot easier if I was more passionate about my work. Gotta get used to the kind of work required. I really need to use my head more. Think farther! Think critically!

School today was bad for me. I don't know whether I'm sick or not. Part of me says I am and part of me feels I'm not. I can't differentiate between unwell and lazy. Or maybe I had a combination of both? But today I felt weak and tired from doing simple leaps and learning some choreography that wasn't physically demanding. I wonder how I'll do tomorrow in ballet class...

Should I even take the class? I don't want Mr Cheng to look down on me again. Then again, am I well enough? Hopefully I don't faint at the barre. Really wished I hadn't fallen sick. Everytime things like this happen, it's hard for me to get myself back up. And it keeps getting harder and harder...

But deep down I know, no matter how much I whine, no matter how much I complain, no matter how often I lose it... I'm still gonna try. I'll try again and again and again. As long as there is a reason to do so, I will keep trying. I can't back down now and proof 'them' right. I'm sorry if I always complain a lot to you, maybe it's coz I need that extra push from behind. Things will get better in time.

It just takes more time than I have and expected to get up. But I will try. Take things slowly one at a time. THINK POSITIVE!

Why do we fall? So that we can learn to pick ourselves up.

Yes it is a hard lesson but I'm learning... Gotta give each new day a smile and get on with it. Two and a half hours of sleep left. OMG... Gotta make it worth! Haha...

And...

I went to see doctor around noon just now. Apparently I should not dance for the next 5 days. That's like a week! I'll probably start moving again by wednesday if I am better. Arg.... See how lah.

Porridge has never tasted so good. It's just been a few days. But I'm starting to miss all that oily fried food =p Haha... Seaweed shaker fries! I wonder if they're still available...

I was reading through my performance theory readings, it's so hard to digest the info. It's some complicated stuff. But well, it's useful not just for dance, but to analyse things. "every action is a performance." Hmmm.... Yes yes, I'm the performer now by typing this senseless post, and you the reader are my audience :P This is viewed "as" a performance and is not "is" performance. What else... oh this is a transient performance coz it'll always be here, unless I delete this post or blogger closes down.

Why am I even blogging now? Ok I should go do other stuff rather than typing nonsense. Hahaha... SPEEDY RECOVERY! ---->

I Try

It's pointless to say I'm alright when I'm not. For some reason, I fell sick last thursday night, stomach flu I think. And it's been dragging on til now. My parents are gonna bring me to see doctor later. I'm glad...

I'm sick and depressed. Depressed? Yea, I can't figure out why... Is it because of this illness? Is it because of all the homework? Is it because of my not so busy, busy life? Or is it because I've lost some of the interest?

I need some time for myself, to recover, and to cool things off. I don't wanna be like this forever. If only I was a better person...

Before others can accept me, I must first accept myself for who I am. I must accept what I have, what I don't have; what I can do; what I cannot do.

Please don't give up on me yet.

Rhythms of the Night

Okay this is just totally random. I'm sitting alone outside in the living room in front of the com. And this is what I hear...

- The tumbler is making a low humming sound and there is also a tumbling sound with my dance shoes inside spinning round and round...
- I'm sitting near the window, and I can hear cars randomly driving past. With occasion loud piercing or draggy sounds of motorbikes.
- Sometimes I hear the sounds of lorries and diesel engines too.
- My sister just switched off the lights in her room. Click!
- The sound of me typing on the keyboard now.
________________________________________________

Haha... I got lots of school work to do. I better not break down now. Sure I'm starting to slack. But it's okay, everyone needs a rest every now and then. It's not good to busy oneself with many things and tire oneself out at the end of the day. And nothing's done properly. Alright, I ain't giving up just yet! Haha, when I finish all my academic assignments, I'm gonna keep on working those jumps and turns!

Oh, I practiced my aerial cartwheels today. Wasn't so successful, but I managed to do a few good ones :p But still, it could have been better.

There is a picture of me on Lian He Zao Pao! (01/09/09) Oh my! So cool! I bet nobody even knows who I am. Haha... I better do a good job for Moon Festival. Wish I had proper chinese folk dance training... Balang Balang Balang eh!

JIAYOU ELIBIRD!!! Can one lah! =p

Haha... I wonder how Hong Kong sounds like at night...

Rabbits don't dance.

Stillness inside me

Well I have nothing interesting to blog about. I feel my life's too tight. Been pretty occupied. With School and other stuff. I find that I don't have much time for myself.

But even if I do, I don't know what I wanna do.

Oh man, it's the "drifting aimlessly on the sea" feeling again. I don't know why I'm doing the things I'm doing. Just a hopeless feeling.

Haha, actually I still got work to do. I'm doing an essay on Filipino dance. About how a certain dance form should or should not evolve to remain relevent to its present culture. Alright, I'll do it tonight, when I get back from Huay Kuan.

Sigh... I wish I could spend more time at HuayKuan. Currently, my weekends keep getting interrupted by other commitments. I feel so bad not being able to make it for HuayKuan classes. Then again, things there have changed much...

On the other hand, I need some space to breathe. I wanna escape from all this. This life. I wish I am somewhere else. Maybe at the countryside, lying on the grassland, looking at clouds or something.

But I guess all these dreaming isn't gonna help much. Back to reality then... Go hard!
________________________________________________

I wish I could move and dance from inside. I just don't think I can open myself up to that kind of space. Sometimes I feel that I shouldn't do all this. Alright... enough self-beating.

One Year Older.

NO!!! I'm 19 already... In one more year I'll be 20, and then 21 in another. That's too fast! I want to enjoy my youth :P

I just turned 19 last thursday, 6th August. Haha, had a lovely surprise from my friends.

Thank you Rui Ling!
Thank you Elibird!
Thank you Rui Min!
Thank you Eng Kiat!
Thank you Menghooi!
Thank you EVERYONE!!!

Life isn't that bad.
It never is. With you guys around...

I am not a child now.
I can take care of myself
I mustn't let them down now
Mustn't let them see me cry
I'm fine
I'm fine
I'm to tired to listen
I'm too old to believe
All these childish stories
There is no such thing as faith
And trust
And pixie dust
I try
But its to hard to believe
I try
But I can't see what you see
I try
I try
I try
My whole world is changing
I don't know where to turn
I can't leave you baby
But I cant stay and watch the city burn
Watch it burn
'Cause I try
But its so hard to believe
I try
But I can't see where you see
I try
I try
I try and try
To understand
The distance in between
The love I feel
The things i fear
In every single dream
I can finally see it
Now I have to believe
All those precious stories
All the world is made of faith
And trust
And pixie dust
So I'll try
'Cause I finally believe
I'll try
'Cause I see where you see
I'll try
I'll try
I'll try
I'll try
To fly

_________________________________________

I may never be able to really fly up into the sky.
But dance is my pixie dust.
And the stage is my Neverland.
The day I stop dancing is the day I finally grow up.

Okay that just doesn't sound like me at all -.-zzz