Down in

I'm miserable. And I have the tendency to bring misery to those around me, especially those close to me. I'm sorry I suck the joy out of everybody.

Wake me up when september ends.

Thought I saw you walking down the street
It was a mistake
It was all in my head
Thought I could make things better this time
It was not to be
It was my fault
Thought I was doing fine
It was an illusion
It was a fragile one

I'm sad. What's new.

Nuff Said.

What am I still doing here? Haha... =p

My Place

I guess everyone's having a hard time at something. I dunno, maybe I'm just not strong enough...

Haven't been myself lately. Too much down-ness. And what? Just because of a minor knee injury? That is so unbecoming. I got so screwed just because I had to hesitate about how I can or cannot move all the time. I can't really tell what's bad and what's alright for my knee. Technically sometimes even the slightest pressure on it causes pain. But that should be normal for one who constantly jumps here and there like a monkey and tries crazy stunts right? Okay, yes I know, take good care and rest, that's the best way for it to get better faster.

I don't know what to say or feel about all this that's happening. I dropped out of so many pieces. Yes I regret it but I know I'll regret more if I didn't and worsen the ligament strain, further creating all sorts of bad consequences. I wished I was able to do those pieces... for moonfest, for dans fest. But well, that's just wishful thinking. No point thinking about it now =)

Gotta get my life back together. Be responsible. Be matured. Be sensible. Be respectful. Be receptive. Be open-minded. Be prepared. Be patient. Be strong.

Arg... I won't talk about all that's happened. It won't change a thing. At the end of the day, it still beats the crap out of me.

If I must fall, I shall fall with grace. (grace has more then one meaning :p)

Emo Night

Don't talk to me. I'm fine. Just depressed over my knee. That's all.

Thanks.

Untitled

I screwed up.

I keep losing my temper.

I keep disappointing the people around me.

I'm sorry I'm weak and can't take the challenges life throws towards me.

I'm sorry I lost it again and again.

My knee got screwed up just after a few years of training. I'm not getting anywhere with my standard of dancing. I really should just give up now. The sooner the better. It's clearly true that I can never make it in this industry. Even those with the talent, the leverage, the money could hardly make it big. Who am I to think that what I'm doing is worth it? Just burning money and wasting time away... Their money, their time. No way I can repay them back.

I hope one day someone will scold and scream at me. Wake me up from all these childishness, and all these foolish dreaming. I'll stop my ingnorance now.

No matter how hard I try, I keep failing to outrun myself.

The Life!

ARG!!!! Work work work and more work. It just keeps coming and coming.

And my knee's gone worse. It hurts now on its own free will. I don't have to jump and land to feel it anymore. It hurts randomly. -.-" Better go see a doctor soon.

More HOMEWORK to be done! ARG!!!

I wish... nevermind.

Why do we fall?

Oh man, I hate myself for dreading homework. Just managed to complete two of my journals, and it's like 3 in the morning already. Gonna be walking zombie tomorrow morning. Things would be a whole lot easier if I was more passionate about my work. Gotta get used to the kind of work required. I really need to use my head more. Think farther! Think critically!

School today was bad for me. I don't know whether I'm sick or not. Part of me says I am and part of me feels I'm not. I can't differentiate between unwell and lazy. Or maybe I had a combination of both? But today I felt weak and tired from doing simple leaps and learning some choreography that wasn't physically demanding. I wonder how I'll do tomorrow in ballet class...

Should I even take the class? I don't want Mr Cheng to look down on me again. Then again, am I well enough? Hopefully I don't faint at the barre. Really wished I hadn't fallen sick. Everytime things like this happen, it's hard for me to get myself back up. And it keeps getting harder and harder...

But deep down I know, no matter how much I whine, no matter how much I complain, no matter how often I lose it... I'm still gonna try. I'll try again and again and again. As long as there is a reason to do so, I will keep trying. I can't back down now and proof 'them' right. I'm sorry if I always complain a lot to you, maybe it's coz I need that extra push from behind. Things will get better in time.

It just takes more time than I have and expected to get up. But I will try. Take things slowly one at a time. THINK POSITIVE!

Why do we fall? So that we can learn to pick ourselves up.

Yes it is a hard lesson but I'm learning... Gotta give each new day a smile and get on with it. Two and a half hours of sleep left. OMG... Gotta make it worth! Haha...

And...

I went to see doctor around noon just now. Apparently I should not dance for the next 5 days. That's like a week! I'll probably start moving again by wednesday if I am better. Arg.... See how lah.

Porridge has never tasted so good. It's just been a few days. But I'm starting to miss all that oily fried food =p Haha... Seaweed shaker fries! I wonder if they're still available...

I was reading through my performance theory readings, it's so hard to digest the info. It's some complicated stuff. But well, it's useful not just for dance, but to analyse things. "every action is a performance." Hmmm.... Yes yes, I'm the performer now by typing this senseless post, and you the reader are my audience :P This is viewed "as" a performance and is not "is" performance. What else... oh this is a transient performance coz it'll always be here, unless I delete this post or blogger closes down.

Why am I even blogging now? Ok I should go do other stuff rather than typing nonsense. Hahaha... SPEEDY RECOVERY! ---->

I Try

It's pointless to say I'm alright when I'm not. For some reason, I fell sick last thursday night, stomach flu I think. And it's been dragging on til now. My parents are gonna bring me to see doctor later. I'm glad...

I'm sick and depressed. Depressed? Yea, I can't figure out why... Is it because of this illness? Is it because of all the homework? Is it because of my not so busy, busy life? Or is it because I've lost some of the interest?

I need some time for myself, to recover, and to cool things off. I don't wanna be like this forever. If only I was a better person...

Before others can accept me, I must first accept myself for who I am. I must accept what I have, what I don't have; what I can do; what I cannot do.

Please don't give up on me yet.

Rhythms of the Night

Okay this is just totally random. I'm sitting alone outside in the living room in front of the com. And this is what I hear...

- The tumbler is making a low humming sound and there is also a tumbling sound with my dance shoes inside spinning round and round...
- I'm sitting near the window, and I can hear cars randomly driving past. With occasion loud piercing or draggy sounds of motorbikes.
- Sometimes I hear the sounds of lorries and diesel engines too.
- My sister just switched off the lights in her room. Click!
- The sound of me typing on the keyboard now.
________________________________________________

Haha... I got lots of school work to do. I better not break down now. Sure I'm starting to slack. But it's okay, everyone needs a rest every now and then. It's not good to busy oneself with many things and tire oneself out at the end of the day. And nothing's done properly. Alright, I ain't giving up just yet! Haha, when I finish all my academic assignments, I'm gonna keep on working those jumps and turns!

Oh, I practiced my aerial cartwheels today. Wasn't so successful, but I managed to do a few good ones :p But still, it could have been better.

There is a picture of me on Lian He Zao Pao! (01/09/09) Oh my! So cool! I bet nobody even knows who I am. Haha... I better do a good job for Moon Festival. Wish I had proper chinese folk dance training... Balang Balang Balang eh!

JIAYOU ELIBIRD!!! Can one lah! =p

Haha... I wonder how Hong Kong sounds like at night...

Rabbits don't dance.