Soon

Got about 15minutes left before I leave home for camp. I still got 7 months left. Okay, it's 7months 1day to be exact. It may sound fast, but I tell ya, counting it day by day is a different story. 7months is LONG. I can't wait for all these to be over. Then again, I'm scared. I don't know what I want to do next. I can't possibly go back and study straight. I've lost the drive somewhere along my NS life. Take a break and chill yea. What I learnt from what I observe from the other guys is you gotta have fun.

Can't wait for a holiday and to start a more exciting(but maybe not very productive) life. But hell... that's life. It goes on no matter what.

I need more money. I need a higher salary!

"You can count on me like 1 2 3, I'll be there..." Count on Me by Bruno Mars. It's on playing beside me now =) Can I count on you like 4 3 2?

In words

Heard the song "This I Promise You" on the radio today. It's an old song, from primary/secondary school days. I really like this song. There are countless love songs written by composers but I think this one is really sweet.

When I was younger, I guess I didn't think much of these songs or in general, overated romantic bullshits. Having felt what it's like to fall in love, you realize how a feeling for a special someone inspires one to sing a song, write a poem, paint a painting, make a sculpture... expressing love.

I still think about her, just saying.

She is like no other

There has been many times I felt like blogging here because I am upset, but thought better of it. So much negative thoughts. Negativity is like poison, don't get it out and very soon, it just eats you from the inside out. But I don't want to write about how sad I am. I don't think it even helps by talking it out here. Seems like I am having a conversation with myself here.

Those comforting lies are not working anymore. No more self derived illusioned constructed reason excuse explanation. I don't know what else to tell myself.

It is no surprise that what she does affects me. It is my problem, and I don't want her or anyone else to see it. There is something within me that I need to figure out on my own. There's a puzzle inside, a old dusty book, a creaking door hinge, a complicated knot that I need to untie. This knot... I cannot explain what it is; feelings, emotions, words, gestures; everything and anything that makes us human. All bottled up inside that I need to let loose.

And be myself. I don't want to be judged. Especially by myself. Maybe I need to find the freedom to love her again. At this point. I don't know what I am saying. I don't know what to make of this.

The easy way out of this mess would be I cannot even be her friend anymore. But all I know is, I would never want that. As trying as it is, I still want to be friends. I missed out on many chances, I don't want to lose this, this something precious this. I miss her you know.

A beautiful mess.