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It is at times like this, in the middle of the night that I begin to think...

I am on the verge of breaking down.

What the hell am I doing here? Why am I doing all the things that I'm doing now? What is it that I want to do? I am so busy with everything, with commitments to Huay Kuan. To Cheng. To school. Three different places, three different dances.

Contemporary dance is still something unfamiliar to me. I feel uncomfortable with it I don't know why. Maybe it's because of its freedom of expression. I for one am quite introverted. I am afraid to show myself, to show what I am, or who I am. I can't dance to express which is really a failure as a dancer. I do not know how to dance contemporary in comtemporary's sense of beautiful raw expressiveness. I can't do contemporary dance.

Ballet is impossible. What with all its high standards of body capabilities and facilities. Just look at me. I don't have the ideal feet, the hips, the body, everything. My height is way below average. I am short. I can't even turn naturally for crying out loud. Ballet is for freaks. I can only dream of dancing ballet on a professional stage. I can't do Ballet.

Chinese dance is what I've been doing the longest and what I hold closest to. But that doesn't mean I'm any better at it. To be honest, I don't really know what Chinese dance truly looks like. I just learn what I learn from SHHK and I see videos of Chinese dances on the net. I am very limited in my knowledge and understanding of Chinese dance, be it classical or folk. I've always wanted to do Chinese Dance and do it as my primary form of dance. But I guess it is not meant to be. I don't have the teachers to teach me what I want to learn. I am limited in what I can do and I don't have the talent and the edge to do it. Some people just have it in them. I don't learn or practise Chinese Dance in Lasalle. Even if I want to learn it properly elsewhere after, I'll still have to go through two years of NS first. By then, even if I were to study Chinese Dance, I'm way too old to dance it. Youth is an asset that would have long disappeared. I've always dreamed of performing on a big stage, I guess it's not be... I can't do Chinese Dance.

What the hell am I doing? Please...

Tell me what I'm doing is worth it.
Tell me what I'm doing is not a waste of time.
Tell me what I'm doing is within my reach.
Tell me what I'm doing is okay.
Tell me what I'm doing is useful and appropriate.
Tell me what I'm doing is not just a day dream.
Tell me what I'm doing is not childish.
Tell me what I'm doing is being appreciated.
Tell me what I'm doing is not foolish.
Tell me what I'm doing is within my reach.
Tell me you believe in me.

I found comfort in reading the birthday cards and letters my friends gave me. Words of encouragement and wishes. It always cheered me up a bit. I really appreciate all these and I keep them.

I've grown... distant. From the people I hold dearly to.

I should never have posted this.