Gender Bending in Peformance

Yes my friends, another video! Haha, just thought this is kind of interesting so I'll share it here. It's a performance by 李玉刚, a chinese opera performing artist. Like Mei Lan Fang(an older male artist), He is known for his portrayal of female roles. Yep, the singer and the voice in the video is all him. I don't know much about chinese opera and its aesthetics, but in 白毛女, he actually did the dance movements which is en pointe. Stunning, although all he did is bourees... Haha, an alternative career for him could be to join the Trocks. Ok here's the video... =)

Just for the fun of it, thought this might interest you too. Real chinese ballet! Haha...

Facing my Fears

I guess I sort of walked into a hole. And now I am picking myself back up slowly...

Well at least this is not the first time. I gotta deal with this more maturely. This is just something I have to learn to handle, to control. And not get lost in my self delusional hopelessness and helplessness.

Took Ryan's Lyrical Jazz class today. Awesome, maybe he will post the video of the routine on facebook soon :p The song is called Speaking a Dead Language by Joy Williams, a song for the disheartened. Haha...

And somewhere in all the talking
The meaning faded out
Oh, I wonder
When did it all stop making sense?
I don't understand
I remember we were so sure, so innocent
Oh, but that was then
Can we ever go back again?
Can we ever go back?

I felt another sensation of dancing, different from the over-dramatic Chinese dance, different from the technique-focused Ballet. It's just the feeling of immersing self with the music emotionally. It's one of those feeling where you are dancing for yourself because it feels great, and not dancing to impress. Ok gotta rememeber this liberated feeling and put it into my Chinese and Ballet dancing... Well sooner or later I gotta find some way to present a more matured way of dancing.

At this point, I realize that miserable me is blogging again. Just like old times huh... -_-" Feel like this is just the beginning. Wait til NS enlistment draws nearer. That will be the downest of the downs I reckon. PES C please give me PES C.

Confidence, Trust and Courage. Virtues that I don't possess... ...yet.

What ifs

Never thought I would feel like this again. It makes me feel alive, happy; at the same time I know that I am going to die sooner or later. Things change, and nothing is always the same, you, me, them, everyone. But some things are very hard to change, whether I want to or not. It's just of those days where it's those "it's just me" problems.

Ever felt helpless and depressed, that's kind of how I am feeling now. Please let this be just another phase, and I wish it would be gone soon if it isn't going to do me any good.

One thing I learn is to treasure what was and not mourn over what was not. Look forward and don't look back... Fearful of life, fearful of the future. I don't want to risk losing what I hold dear. I want to be normal again, before I do something stupid.

Okay looking forward to tomorrow, hopefully a day of pizza for lunch and a jazz class at night. Peace out.

Another vid...

Okay, I realized most of my posts recently are video uploads... Anyway, here's another one. Haha... I just couldn't resist sharing this =)

Yes, you have just witnessed it, Mr Balang does his thing again. Haha... Xinjiang ren doing Xinjiang dance. I find his showmanship really amazing. Very charming, the ladies out there will be drooling over him. But I think the plate as a prop is quite similar to the Balang drum. Although it is two different types of Uyghur dance, I think there's bound to be comparisons made. Anyway, his dancing is really nice to watch; while some "technicians" excel in wowing the audience with their stunts and tricks, Yu Mi Ti does it with a grin/smirk/smile. So unfair... =p

Hahaha... Enjoy =)

Haha, Rain is a really good dancer...

Omg, check out the costumes. Boxing gloves with black sleeves and leggings? This is either a nice stage costume or a walking disaster (or a dancing one :p) Haha, notice how all the dancers had shades. Usually only the superstars wear shades, backup dancers just dress badly so that they don't stand out.
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One of my all-time favourite Rain performance. The pole dance intro is nice too, exotic but not to the point of overdoing it and making it R21. Haha, I guess Rain is charismatic enough to pull it off. The random pelvic thrusts are hot, kind of have a "hard gay" moment there. Fuuuu!!!!! Hahaha...

Enjoy!

What Next?

Yes people! I have graduated... I repeat, I have graduated. Actually I'm just happy that I don't have anymore academic writings to worry about for now...

Other than that, it's rather... gloomy. I feel that my options are limited. No damn it, it's not even limited, I have none. Next stop: getting a shave and get shoved to some kind of training on some island.

Even if I am not ready, I wanna try things out, to audition, to continue to learn, to improve. I want to try and experience how it is like to work in this field, especially when I am young and can afford to fall and pick myself up.

But I am Singaporean. All I can hope for is to at least remain stagnant for two years and not deprove. NS screwed by life, screwed my plans, screwed my chances. Screwed.

Hillarious. This video has nothing to do with what I posted, except that punchline. Can't believe I'm laughing my a*s off over this British humour. A Woodlands thing maybe? Maybe Serangoon people find it funny too. Haha...

For one thing, humour, like dance is universal, but subjective.

Stepping Up...

Production week is crazy. Well not as crazy, but it's been many long day. We start later than usual, around the afternoon but we finish at night. Time really flies in the theatre; spacing/cue to cue/rehearsal, a quick dinner, and back to work. The next thing I know, it's already 10plus at night. Going for a quick supper can be troublesome, means more money spent on cab fare, and also not forgetting midnight charge! Haha, but okay lah, I do make it a point to catch last trains, and not end up at Jurong East.

I'm nervous. I'm scared. Somehow I convince myself that being prepared calms me down. Knowing what you're doing is a good way to enjoy the whole performance process. I practise a lot... Well mostly practise the chair solo. I hope I do justice to the original dancer and choreographer, adding a touch of ZuYou-ness, and also Tamminising it =p

I know what I am most afraid of is being judged. Judged by my friends, my teachers. I am always criticised, for this and that; the not pointing of the feet, the arch back, lack of portrayal, lack of personality, lack of expression... and the list goes on. I try not to think too much about it. What matters is the show, the performance, oh yea, be in the state of liminality. Haha, here's where performance theory comes back to haunt me =p

Alright wish me luck! I know it's too late but if you happen to read this and am interested to watch the performance, it's the graduation show by the LASALLE school of dance, a night of wonderful contemporary dance works. It's on April 30 and 1 May, 8pm at the LASALLE SIA Theatre. Oh, the school is just beside Sim Lim Square. Tickets at $10, and you can easily get it from me! =)

It's always summer here, always hot, but the theatre is just so cold... and empty.

This.... is old.

IT's LOUD. You've been warned...

Mary belongs to the words of a song.
I try to be strong for her, try not to be wrong for her.
But she will not wait for me anymore, anymore.
Why did I say all those things before I was sure?

(She is the one), but I have a purpose,
(She is the one), and I have to fight this,
(she is the one), the villain I can't knock down.

I see your face with every punch I take,
and every bone I break, it's all for you.
And my worst pains are words I cannot say,
still I will always fight on for you.

Mary's alive in the bright New York sky,
the city lights shine for her, above them I cry for her.
Everything's small on the ground below, down below.
What if I fall, then where would I go, would she know?

(She is the one), all that I wanted,
(she is the one), and I will be haunted,
(she is the one), this gift is my curse for now.


I see your face with every punch I take,
and every bone I break, it's all for you.
And my worst pains are words I cannot say.
Still I will always fight on for you.

(Instrumental)

I see your face with every punch I take,
and every bone I break, it's all for you.
And my worst pains are words I cannot say.
Still I will always fight on for you.
Fight on for you...
Fight on for you...


Found this song "hiding' inside my PSP. It's a song from the soundtrack of Spider-Man 2. I know, it's so old already. I still remember Vindicated used to be the song on my blog :p Oh, I'm a big fan of the Web Slinger. Okay, maybe last time. Now I got no time for these childish indulgences -.-" Anyway, this song(especially the chorus) sounds like how I felt about some experiences I went through last time, which I hate to recall. Well not literally but... metaphorically :p Okay I guess nobody understands what I'm saying here.

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Now that I have no life, I can concentrate more on getting work done, to do what needs to be done, to dance what needs to be danced. I hate this life. Is this what I want? But I do like to busy myself with dance. That's all I know how to do. Other people got places here and there to go, to meet someone, have some appointment, got a gathering etc. All I go are studios. Haha... Nah, I'm quite sure I go out elsewhere sometimes too, just that I don't remember them. So far the only relaxing things I do are the occasional afternoons when I have time to hangout in the school library and the late nights when I am not working on some head-bangin 'ass'ignment.

Not Finished yet...

Came across this on the column of advice for dancers by Linda Hamilton...
Well I changed it a bit here but this are some of the things...

For better or worse, gifted people are often born with a rage to learn and perfect their work. In your case, this innate drive most likely helped you progress in dance. The downside is that it may also have taken over your life. Everyone, including a gifted dancer, requires friends, hobbies, and time off. Without these resources, you can develop a full-blown out case of burnout, which can take three months to recover from after you stop performing. Symptons include a temporary loss of technique, upper-respiratory infections, and an absence of joy, making you question why you even want to dance. Before you make a precipitous decision, please see a psychologist who can help. Many talented people burn out. The challenge is to find a balance between work and quality of life.

Is this happening to me? No I'm not gifted or talented -_-" . But maybe the above explains my so called self proclaimed "mild depression"; and why I hate and dread to go to some *ahem places. A case of mild burnout? But I am scared to stop sometimes, because I know I am not good and have a lot of things to work on. And I am afraid if I stop, I will never start again. I don't know.... Why can't work and quality of life be the same thing? Haha... That would be THE life lah, and ideally that would be what we all want. Happy 24/7...

What about you? I know everyone is stressed and have problems one way or the other. Hang it there! =)

Limited.

Please give me the strength to pull through this.

This period has proven how easily I break and shows the worse sides of me.

Let it all end and let me get back to how it is before. Or better.

I know times lost can never come back. And things in future will always be different, no matter how I try to keep the same, or assume it will the same.

I just want my life to get better. Not saying what I do is tough, lots of other people go through tough shit.

I just want to be better. Then maybe... I can go back and discover what it means to be happy and joyful.

I HATE IT NOW. But yea I understand, shit happens.

Almost there! =)

Almost...

I'm just saying this to boost self-morale... <(O_O)>

Graduating soon!
June 21 is coming!

Before that I got ASSIGNMENTS, Collaboration show and Fly With Me.
CAN ONE LAH!

Haha this is turning out to be pointless. It is getting late anyway.
See y'all...

Zzz...

Yep, am in the library again. The other LASALLE dancers left in Singapore are rehearsing their marathon run piece, which I am not involved. =p Haha... I think some of the foundation dancers should be joining them too.

Good luck to them, we were totally slaughtered this morning in Albert's class, but it's cool that he's in a good mood, so we just did multiple repetitions of all the routines. Is he joking with me, because the class started with him saying, "Lai, three groups, level 1, level 2, level 3." Haha... but it raised a whole new sense of awareness in me when I threw my body around the big studio, so barren and deserted.

Okay, I suppose this afternoon is homework time for me... >_<"

And in the evening, I become Cinderella Man, saving Cheng from dust and dirt.

"I like dancing towards an unreachable goal because it means that even when the curtain comes down, my journey isn't over." -Rashaun Mitchell, urm, a Cunningham dancer

Really?! He feels that way? Just something to think about... But I think it's bull :p There'll be many unnecessary stress and emotional complications with that line of thought. Okay different people can take different levels of stress. And also different people have different perspectives on reaching unreachable goals. Conclusion: It's subjective. Do what's best for yourself.

But I don't know what's best for me... yet.
See how lah... =p

Not Just Another Tuesday

Wish there were more days and nights like this. =)

Just another one of those

I thought my next post was gonna be about something nice or pleasant but.... well, next time maybe...

Am not doing so good. It's been like a month. There's just this feeling that I cannot explain. Nope it's not an emotional feeling. Just a feeling of being mixed up, or messed up, confused; well you get the idea.

Haha, at least I got quite a load of assignments done. Could have done better though.

Is homework messing with my head?

No that's not it. That's just an excuse I give myself...

I don't know what I want to do and I end up doing nothing. I'm not getting along with anything. I feel that my life's been put on hold. I'm not living a life fully. For some reason I just tell myself, what it is now is just temporary, it'll pass. But why am I thinking like this?! There is nothing temporary, this is my life, and this is the way it is. It's like I'm waiting for something to happen or something to pass. Am I not commiting to my life? Like how Melissa says I don't look like I am commiting myself to my movements?

Yes, my problem is I don't commit myself fully to my movements. But not commiting to my life, now that's a big problem. A problem of disastrous proportions... end of my world >_<

Haha, I can't believe I writing all these here. I thought I've learnt to keep things to myself for the better. If it doesn't do anything to say it, or it's pointless, then don't say, because the output will come in the form of complains. But I am blogging about what's eating at me now am I... I suppose subconciously, this is me calling for help. Reaching a point where it's gonna break me. An SOS... is anybody listening?

Oh, by now I thought I would have got used to their insensitive form of words. A bunch of insensitive talking older people that makes me hate them everytime although they are the ones close to me. I really think they should stop talking and thinking like this, it pisses people off. Or maybe it is just sensitive me.

Maybe my mum is right. I always say I feel that I don't belong and don't get along anywhere. But maybe it's because I never try to...
I am human, I am not perfect, but I try.
I am not happy with who I am, but I try.
Clearly I am misunderstood alot, but I try.
Things aren't always what it seems... I feel pain too, even sometimes when it seems alright.
I want to dig a hole and hide.
I don't wanna be judged.

All this will pass... in time. You see? That's my problem.

Sweet Charity at SIA

Went to watch Sweet Charity yesterday night... Alone. It was performed by the school's Musical Theatre Students and I could spot some Alumnis. I enjoyed the show, wonderful sets, nice music, great performance. It all looked so professional, and I could see that it was a big budget show. Luckily I bumped into Brian, thanks for giving me a ticket! Haha...


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This one of my favourite scenes. It's a dance. =p

"The best and safest thing is to keep a balance in your life, acknowledge the great powers around us and in us. If you can do that, and live that way, you are really a wise man." - Euripides

"Only those who dare to fail greatly, can ever achieve greatly." - Robert F. Kennedy

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Gotta be strong... =)

Disappointment

Simple Plan- Perfect

Hey dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan
And do you think I'm wasting my time doing things I wanna do
But it hurts when you disapprove all along

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend that
I'm alright
And you can't change me

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care anymore

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard
Just to talk to you
But you don't understand

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
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Some things never change.

I'm sorry I can't be perfect.

Why the sad face?

Haha, back again in the library, really shouldn't be hanging around here too much. Gigi and An's in the library too, somewhere across me :p I should be in the studio doing more productive work. Today was just like any other day, depressing... But nah, nothing major or tragic happened. All's good.

I don't know... I'm just jaded. No I'm not good, I need to work harder. But I'm not seeing much results, they are not seeing much results too. Because I say that I try, but actually I should do more! Think people think! I got a feeling academic work is really really piling up. I haven't been touching them in a while. I feel the long late nights coming soon (please no procrastination! :p) .... Dance cultures in Asia fusion dance, Collaboration!

I got this big question right now... What's an introvert like me doing in dance? It's contradicting and it's... annoying.

Am I better off stuck in some office cubicle? Haha, no I don't have the brains for it.

All these random stuffs running round and round. That's what you call thinking too much about pointless things when there's so much work to be done. T_T

I'm tired... Tired of my not so tiring but tired schedule, tired of me being such a loser at home when usually I am a good person, tired of me having these two different sides, tired of the depressed me, tired of trying to act like someone I am not.

I am tired.

I need a rest. I want to be happier.

The Week so far...

The schedule of project week is crazy! (Well sometimes I feel) Even though there's no ballet and contemporary technique class in the morning, it still felt like a long day. We start at 10, which is not that early. The day is packed full with rehearsals one after another, of if we're lucky, there's short breaks in between. My brain's gonna explode from trying to remember so many movements. Ok ok, patience is the key. No point getting frustrated and lose it =) I hope I can get through to graduation fast. Just thinking about all the incomplete Collaboration, Dance Culture, FWM makes me stress.

Why am I so reluctant to go work on all these? That's my failing. But I can be "hardworking" at other things. Weird... -_-" It's all in the head. And my head is blank. Or it's on standby mode. One word. Lazy. zzz zzz zzz...

I've been having a hard time convincing myself to go school. I don't know why I'm doing this. But lately it's getting better. Maybe I don't like some of the stuff we do. But I think, maybe, knowing how to appreciate and enjoy some of the nicer little things is enough. Enough to help get me through the day. Haha, oh and now I realize how having something to look forward to helps :p YES, I AM GOING HOLIDAY!!! WAHAHAHA =p

Right now, I still feel like I am standing at the edge of the cliff, with chances of falling off. Somebody pull me back please... I need to find my place soon. Confused...

Back to rehearsal now. See ya!

Here There and Nowhere

Lasalle internet connection is slow! But it's better than nothing still. And we need to log in using our lasalle account now.

I ask myself why I'm doing all this. I don't know why. Is it because I like it? Maybe, but sometimes I cannot totally agree too. Just hoping I push through everything and graduate. Collaborations, research papers/ dances, FWM. What comes next I'll find out and and work out something along the way -_-" ... What a plan.

You know my what my problem is? I do think about things. I do plan things. I just don't do it. I don't make it happen.

How I wish life was different, and maybe I wouldn't be here right now.

There isn't much I can do sitting in this library is there? Haha... Off I go then.

I think there is still lao po bing rotting in my house =P