Friday, June 29, 2012
Mid-year
29th June. 28th June. A month since ORD... Has been quite fulfilling I guess. Slowly adjusting back to the heavier load of dancing. Performing with SCGS was a blast. The girls really inspired me with their passion. I hope I can train myself back in time for the upcoming performance. And also, Need.to.get.a.job. Oh man...
Truth is, I don't want the July performance to end so quick. I really like her, and it hurts that I cannot be with her. I cannot be selfish.
Her happiness is more important than mine. Can I really learn to be this self-less? I must not be selfish.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Friday, June 08, 2012
Wednesday, June 06, 2012
Saturday, June 02, 2012
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Soon
Got about 15minutes left before I leave home for camp. I still got 7 months left. Okay, it's 7months 1day to be exact. It may sound fast, but I tell ya, counting it day by day is a different story. 7months is LONG. I can't wait for all these to be over. Then again, I'm scared. I don't know what I want to do next. I can't possibly go back and study straight. I've lost the drive somewhere along my NS life. Take a break and chill yea. What I learnt from what I observe from the other guys is you gotta have fun.
Can't wait for a holiday and to start a more exciting(but maybe not very productive) life. But hell... that's life. It goes on no matter what.
I need more money. I need a higher salary!
"You can count on me like 1 2 3, I'll be there..." Count on Me by Bruno Mars. It's on playing beside me now =) Can I count on you like 4 3 2?
Can't wait for a holiday and to start a more exciting(but maybe not very productive) life. But hell... that's life. It goes on no matter what.
I need more money. I need a higher salary!
"You can count on me like 1 2 3, I'll be there..." Count on Me by Bruno Mars. It's on playing beside me now =) Can I count on you like 4 3 2?
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
In words
Heard the song "This I Promise You" on the radio today. It's an old song, from primary/secondary school days. I really like this song. There are countless love songs written by composers but I think this one is really sweet.
When I was younger, I guess I didn't think much of these songs or in general, overated romantic bullshits. Having felt what it's like to fall in love, you realize how a feeling for a special someone inspires one to sing a song, write a poem, paint a painting, make a sculpture... expressing love.
I still think about her, just saying.
Tuesday, October 04, 2011
She is like no other
There has been many times I felt like blogging here because I am upset, but thought better of it. So much negative thoughts. Negativity is like poison, don't get it out and very soon, it just eats you from the inside out. But I don't want to write about how sad I am. I don't think it even helps by talking it out here. Seems like I am having a conversation with myself here.
Those comforting lies are not working anymore. No more self derived illusioned constructed reason excuse explanation. I don't know what else to tell myself.
It is no surprise that what she does affects me. It is my problem, and I don't want her or anyone else to see it. There is something within me that I need to figure out on my own. There's a puzzle inside, a old dusty book, a creaking door hinge, a complicated knot that I need to untie. This knot... I cannot explain what it is; feelings, emotions, words, gestures; everything and anything that makes us human. All bottled up inside that I need to let loose.
And be myself. I don't want to be judged. Especially by myself. Maybe I need to find the freedom to love her again. At this point. I don't know what I am saying. I don't know what to make of this.
The easy way out of this mess would be I cannot even be her friend anymore. But all I know is, I would never want that. As trying as it is, I still want to be friends. I missed out on many chances, I don't want to lose this, this something precious this. I miss her you know.
A beautiful mess.
Those comforting lies are not working anymore. No more self derived illusioned constructed reason excuse explanation. I don't know what else to tell myself.
It is no surprise that what she does affects me. It is my problem, and I don't want her or anyone else to see it. There is something within me that I need to figure out on my own. There's a puzzle inside, a old dusty book, a creaking door hinge, a complicated knot that I need to untie. This knot... I cannot explain what it is; feelings, emotions, words, gestures; everything and anything that makes us human. All bottled up inside that I need to let loose.
And be myself. I don't want to be judged. Especially by myself. Maybe I need to find the freedom to love her again. At this point. I don't know what I am saying. I don't know what to make of this.
The easy way out of this mess would be I cannot even be her friend anymore. But all I know is, I would never want that. As trying as it is, I still want to be friends. I missed out on many chances, I don't want to lose this, this something precious this. I miss her you know.
A beautiful mess.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Tuesday, September 06, 2011
Thursday, September 01, 2011
Sometimes I just wish that it wasn't true. I just wish it didn't happen, that it wasn't real. I cannot keep lying to myself. What if one day I finally accepted everything into my head, then what? I'm not sure how long I can keep this up. Even sleep won't let me rest from reality. I have nightmares; what happens in truth, what I keep thinking about, they all occur in the dreams. Or at times it's those dreams that are "too good to be true", then I wake up and the truth strikes back into my mind and heart. It's all blurry now, what is real and what is not. I cannot even trust what I am feeling now, because unknowingly, I just might be lying to myself. It gets easier. Without this illusion, I really don't know how I am going to get by.
I stay true to the feelings in my heart and to who I care about. Call me naive, but I see a meaningless life if one does the opposite. There is a lot of ugliness in this world, more than enough to go about. And if you stray from the things that define what and who you are, you might just turn into one of them. Never let that happen. Never compromise. Never lose faith. Never say that it is meaningless.
I stay true to the feelings in my heart and to who I care about. Call me naive, but I see a meaningless life if one does the opposite. There is a lot of ugliness in this world, more than enough to go about. And if you stray from the things that define what and who you are, you might just turn into one of them. Never let that happen. Never compromise. Never lose faith. Never say that it is meaningless.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Just click play
Just wanted to share this with friends who happen to pass by here. Was feeling kinda sad so I went browsing on youtube. Came across this video of a Disney medley by this talented singer. It's funny and nice at the same time.
Tuesday, April 05, 2011
Spineless
Haven't been active on this blog for a while. Life serving National Service ain't so exciting. Okay it is in a way, but nothing much is happening to my civilian life so yea, MIA for a while.
This pair of dancers is just so awesome I had to share it. Don't know who still visits this page but I'm sure you will not regret after seeing this. Peace!
This pair of dancers is just so awesome I had to share it. Don't know who still visits this page but I'm sure you will not regret after seeing this. Peace!
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Good to be Home
Feels great to be at home at night. Selamat Hari Raya Haji. Three cheers for public holidays, it simply means "book out loh!" And the best thing is I only have to go back tomorrow morning, which explain why it feels great to be home at night.
I had my first full (half full actually, just the items before the intermission) rehearsal with the SHHK dancers. I'm only doing one balang, so it ain't so tired for me. Just 4.48mins of moving, then I can go shag out at the back. Now I get to feel like the audience watching everyone perform, instead of rushing and worrying about the ones I'm involved in. And I gotta say, all the dancers rock! We're not professionals, but it's good! Enjoyed watching the happy dances and the emotional "don't cry nanjing". And few days back I managed to catch them rehearsing White Snake. That was good too. Haha...
I'm glad I feel part of the group again today. It's a rather warm and familiar feeling. Really miss that, since I've been very not involved recently. I know everyone is rehearsing really hard everyday, and I admire their passions at what they do. Sometimes I wonder to myself, I see that they enjoy dance because of the company and the "let's chiong together" attitude. For me, sometimes I still feel it's a lonely thing. Like doing it for the sake of doing. In short, where has my passion gone? Maybe that is what is missing in my perf, I can't show it fully to the audience as I'm not even sure about myself. Confidence, courage, passion... Gotta be in there somewhere, or more like out there, just got to learn to obtain it.
Good luck to us all! Next week most of them are going to Genting. Gonna be so lonely. Haha... Right, better take the time to get things that needs to be done done. =)
Oh I finally watch "Michael Jackson: This Is It" this morning. King of Pop.... Love lives forever.
I had my first full (half full actually, just the items before the intermission) rehearsal with the SHHK dancers. I'm only doing one balang, so it ain't so tired for me. Just 4.48mins of moving, then I can go shag out at the back. Now I get to feel like the audience watching everyone perform, instead of rushing and worrying about the ones I'm involved in. And I gotta say, all the dancers rock! We're not professionals, but it's good! Enjoyed watching the happy dances and the emotional "don't cry nanjing". And few days back I managed to catch them rehearsing White Snake. That was good too. Haha...
I'm glad I feel part of the group again today. It's a rather warm and familiar feeling. Really miss that, since I've been very not involved recently. I know everyone is rehearsing really hard everyday, and I admire their passions at what they do. Sometimes I wonder to myself, I see that they enjoy dance because of the company and the "let's chiong together" attitude. For me, sometimes I still feel it's a lonely thing. Like doing it for the sake of doing. In short, where has my passion gone? Maybe that is what is missing in my perf, I can't show it fully to the audience as I'm not even sure about myself. Confidence, courage, passion... Gotta be in there somewhere, or more like out there, just got to learn to obtain it.
Good luck to us all! Next week most of them are going to Genting. Gonna be so lonely. Haha... Right, better take the time to get things that needs to be done done. =)
Oh I finally watch "Michael Jackson: This Is It" this morning. King of Pop.... Love lives forever.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Update!
Sorry I've been out of touched with blogger for quite some time. Only get to use internet on friday nights and weekend nights. Just got home awhile ago, am in the living room. My bro is singing in his room! My sis probably sleeping already, and my parents... best lah, after still at Marina Sands Casino. My legs feel numb, hopefully it's just from too tired. Or maybe it's because I am sick still. What the, really want to recover soon, I am coughing way too much. My abs are flexing and cramping. How is that even possible, free exercise which I cannot stop even if I am tired. People who wants their abs muscles built, try getting an annoying non stop cough. But watch it, I heard excessive coughing and sneezing hurts your lower back, especially if you are in the wrong posture. Yep, I'm not lying, it's true.
If in future there is a device that can put my thoughts into words, that will be good. Getting lazier to blog sometimes. Or maybe I want to, but just never get around to sitting down and think how to start.
I miss long bus trips alone, listening to music or just thinking about stuff while staring out the window. Happen to have a chance to take a short bus 912 trip home just now, feels relaxed. Aircon is luxury man, once you experience living in my current bunk, which almost like a storeroom, very little ventilation but at least got two really old rust dirty fans. My buddy and I did try cleaning it, but it get dirty easily. Last bookout we got 60 pumpings, meaning 6 areas where dust is still found in the room. It's almost impossible to do so many push-ups properly... -_-" I don't know, maybe really fit men can really do that. Salute them haha...
My approach towards dance now is different from before I realize. No more goal achiecving and eager to improve asap attitude. It's more easy going now I think. But I am still almost as hardworking as before. But of course now I am a lot more slack, bo chup attittude. It's a good thing, in a way. Last thing I want now is to get stressed over dance, and risk losing passion for it or what. I thought I lost it sometimes, but everytime I get back into studio, or away from the studio for too long. I know lah, start to feel itchy.
I still find it difficult to live my days happy always. There's always things that keeps me troubled no doubt. It's the way I see things and accept things. I tend to think too much? Minor problems or problems that aren't even problems gets me down? I don't know. Sometimes I manage well sometimes I just really lose it. No matter what, it isn't important, just need to bring the logic into my face, think things through straight and over time, I should more or less realize that it's okay. If it's not, "suck thumb" lo. Haha, sometimes even better, I think I can kind of lie myself into thinking it's okay, simply changing my perspective of looking at the matter.
Haha, after that chunk of words on top of this, I guess I can tell I'm not that happy with my life yet. I don't like it that I always think I have to spend my life impressing people, including my own self. This gets me sad for no reasons always huh. Haha... WOW after so long I think I finally realize why the emo virus infected me. Maybe life can be better from now on if I stop restlessly thinking and getting bothered that I am in the minority human group known as the "weaker than average ones".
I remember I once told somebody "don't give up on me!".
Now I gotta tell myself "don't give up on me!" too.
If in future there is a device that can put my thoughts into words, that will be good. Getting lazier to blog sometimes. Or maybe I want to, but just never get around to sitting down and think how to start.
I miss long bus trips alone, listening to music or just thinking about stuff while staring out the window. Happen to have a chance to take a short bus 912 trip home just now, feels relaxed. Aircon is luxury man, once you experience living in my current bunk, which almost like a storeroom, very little ventilation but at least got two really old rust dirty fans. My buddy and I did try cleaning it, but it get dirty easily. Last bookout we got 60 pumpings, meaning 6 areas where dust is still found in the room. It's almost impossible to do so many push-ups properly... -_-" I don't know, maybe really fit men can really do that. Salute them haha...
My approach towards dance now is different from before I realize. No more goal achiecving and eager to improve asap attitude. It's more easy going now I think. But I am still almost as hardworking as before. But of course now I am a lot more slack, bo chup attittude. It's a good thing, in a way. Last thing I want now is to get stressed over dance, and risk losing passion for it or what. I thought I lost it sometimes, but everytime I get back into studio, or away from the studio for too long. I know lah, start to feel itchy.
I still find it difficult to live my days happy always. There's always things that keeps me troubled no doubt. It's the way I see things and accept things. I tend to think too much? Minor problems or problems that aren't even problems gets me down? I don't know. Sometimes I manage well sometimes I just really lose it. No matter what, it isn't important, just need to bring the logic into my face, think things through straight and over time, I should more or less realize that it's okay. If it's not, "suck thumb" lo. Haha, sometimes even better, I think I can kind of lie myself into thinking it's okay, simply changing my perspective of looking at the matter.
Haha, after that chunk of words on top of this, I guess I can tell I'm not that happy with my life yet. I don't like it that I always think I have to spend my life impressing people, including my own self. This gets me sad for no reasons always huh. Haha... WOW after so long I think I finally realize why the emo virus infected me. Maybe life can be better from now on if I stop restlessly thinking and getting bothered that I am in the minority human group known as the "weaker than average ones".
I remember I once told somebody "don't give up on me!".
Now I gotta tell myself "don't give up on me!" too.
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