"Solution"

Solutions and Mixtures... AHAHAHAA.

Wow, this few days are exhausting. I barely slept 3 or 4hours these nights, consecutively. This is not an ideal lifestyle man I'm telling you.

Life's tiring. But it's good. All's good =)

Don't Lose Hope.

Follow Your Destiny Wherever It Leads You

There comes a time in your life where you realise
that if you stand still, life will pass you by.
There is a path before you now.
Walk it one step at a time.
Keep your head up, and cast your dreams to the stars.
You will find your new journey magnificent
and beyond your wildest imaginings.

-Vicki Silvers
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Just happen to come acorss this while packing my stuff.

Nothing

Change. I cannot adapt to change quickly and comfortably. Sometimes things change and I am still stuck in my own old world. Still thinking about what there was, not what it is. I cannot embrace the present fully and live happy with it.

Moving house soon! Still be living in Woodlands area, but more towards Marsiling ba. It'll be a different environment ba, kinda... it's still a quite neighbourhood, but even quieter without the random lorries and motocycles zooming past. The new house will be in the middle of a few blocks of houses, not right beside the road of Woodlands Drive 14.

I need time to think things out. Maybe... Coz right now I am in a "not so okay" kinda feeling. Hmmm... I have no idea how to put all these into words, will probably complicate confuse people if I try. I am just feeling very out of place. People around me, everywherer I am, I feel like a stranger. I think it's just me being sort of anti-social. But why? I am human too, a socialble creature. Arg...

Sometimes I think people don't take me seriously. I don't take things seriously enough myself maybe, and always think of giving up before I even fully commit to it. I hate myself for being such a loser sometimes. It's not just about dance, but me as a person and how I do things. =(

Gotta love what I am doing.
Gotta learn to take care of myself.
Gotta know what's important.
Gotta make the right choices.
Gotta catch 'em all. (-_-" this is not funny at all.)
Gotta make sure I don't repeat past mistakes.
Gotta know what's good and what's not.
Gotta forget and let go.
Gotta grow up.

I so look forward to the day things change. For the better.

Finding peace within

I have so many questions that I don't have the answers for.
You have so many questions that I don't have the answers for.

Is it because I never think about it? Is it that I really don't know? Or I don't wish to find out?

Took a journey down memory lane and all I am reminded of are mostly the bad things. But I know there were happy moments too. I wish some things didn't turn out the way it did.

Tonight's awfully quiet. I don't wanna think about all this. Not today.

I still remember that calmness I felt then. That everything's good, that things are gonna be okay...

新不了情

Hopelessly Devoted to You


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So old school, not my generation. But some things never change.

Old!

轨迹- 周杰伦

怎么隐藏我的悲伤
失去你的地方
你的发香散得匆忙
我已经跟不上
闭上眼睛还能看见
你离去的痕迹
在月光下一直找寻
那想念的身影
如果说分手是苦痛的起点
那在终点之前我愿意再爱一遍
想要对你说的不敢说的爱
会不会有人可以明白
我会发着呆然后忘记你
接着紧紧闭上眼
想着那一天会有人代替
让我不再想念你
我会发着呆然后微微笑
接着紧紧闭上眼
又想那一年你温柔的脸
在我忘记之前
________________________________________________
I know this song is old. I happen to come across it again when I was digging through my old burnt cds. And I was like... Hmmm... why so sad one =p Hahaha... Enjoy!

Late post

I should be sleeping now, but I thought I'll just update a bit. *Cough!

Having a very bad case of non-stop coughing. I feel like I am coughing my lungs out. Feel so out of breath and to make things worse, I sweat a lot from working the muscles to cough. Haha... This is a good way to train abs =p

The funny thing is I am fine the whole day, with just occasional burst of cough. But as night approaches, that's where the nightmare comes. I turn into this coughing monster, breathing in huge amount of air, and sometimes gets a choking sensation and releases multiple coughs. Okay, that's not funny, but seriously I think it's killing my lungs and throat. Even now I am coughing and sweating. It's best when I sleep, don't think I cough when I sleep. First thing I do when I wake up in the morning is breathe in the fresh air and go *cough! -_-" Man... I wish it gets better soon.

Is my body falling apart? *cough! And another thing is... my knee hurts today. More than usual. I have no idea why, I didn't do anything to aggravate it. I hope it gets better, or at least get to the normal injured state that it has always been in.

I am going to miss opera. I am going to miss all the rehearsals where we would meet up like almost every night. Okay that is just random. Maybe I'll write more on this soon, if there's time.

Haha... Had a wonderful lunch last Saturday. Pizza Hut and Starbucks. Best lah, and my wallet got a lot lighter after that.

PLEASE RECOVER SOON.

If the future depends on a choice between past and present, which one will I choose?

A Weekend

Was involved in the Lasalle Open House last friday and saturday. Strange that's it called open house now, coz usually we refer to it as C-Day. Maybe that didn't make sense to most people so they change to the more literal "Open House". Anyway, if you guys have been to Lasalle before you would have realized that the walls inside the school are painted by the students. Before the open house, the walls are all painted white again -_-" Gonna miss some of the paintings. So these few days, the arts students are painting new works on the walls. Saw quite a few jap-themed paintings. No more Joker Face painting. Haha...

Our dance faculty presnted three pieces, Loretta Livingstons's piece, Tammy's Bach solo, and Grace's hip-hop piece. I know the hip-hop piece is a high energy piece that drive the crowd, but I hope it doesn't give them the wrong assumption that hip-hop dance is one of our modules. Hmmm, I wonder how it'll be like if it is... Haha, can't imagine me popping and locking and doing contemp at the same time every morning.

I went to see the Fashion department's booth. They showed some designs by the students and there was also a projection on the wall that was playing one of their runway shows! I thought that was so cool! The F flexible space was transformed into a runway where the models enter from the door and did the catwalk. They had mostly angmoh models and some locals. I wonder where they got the models from. Sian, short person like me will never get to catwork down a high fashion runway show =/ Not that I care... =p Oh... and I saw this quote at the gallery:

"Perfection is regressive. It makes teenage girls aneroxic, academics neurotic, and artists act like a*sholes."

Watched Albert's "The Passing" on Saturday night. BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I DIDN'T FALL ASLEEP. I watched the whole piece. Kind of offends me how surprised the lasalle peeps were that I didn't doze off -.-" Hahaha... Well the piece is about death and how people perceive it to be. What can I say, the whole piece is.... deep. To be honest, I don't really understand what the whole thing is trying to say. Maybe that's why I was awake, trying very hard to understand and enlighten myself. The Frontier dancers are very good as always. Made used of speech too, in Mandarin of course.

The following weeks are gonna be busy. Oh! I may get a chance to do the Omar chair solo for FWM =) I hope I won't disappoint anyone. Okay, jiayou dance cultures. Jiayou performance theory. Jiayou FWM. Jiayou Coppelia maybe :p Franz better come back soon and improve on his horrible technique.

I don't know what mattters to me. What is important, what is not?

Haha... a random thought, PIZZA HUT!

Needs to sleep more

Realized I haven't been posting things here recently. Been quite tied up with stuff. Having the same problem again, too many commitments. Is two considered too many? Haha, I guess in a way it is coz there is only one of me! I can't be at two places at one time.

Even though I'm not doing any super heavy physical stuff, I feel so worn out. Lack of sleep, and lack of some free time for myself. Is it selfish of me to ask for some time to do things I wanna do? Haha...

Going back to school felt both relieving and depressing. Well at least I am doing something... But I feel so out of place, not just in school but in those two other places too.

Now I'm just kinda motivated and not motivated at the same time. Looking at my pathetic body, I wanna work hard to be better, I also wanna just give up. What's not to be is not to be. Unless advances in technology allow me to tweak parts of my body. I don't ask for much, just give me a more danceable body and mind =p

Life's just not the same anymore. It changed.

Will update again next time with something that more worth talking about... -_-"

First Post 2010!

Oh yea, this is my first post of 2010! And I am like 4 days late.

School hasn't started for me yet. Just gonna go back for rehearsal and a performance this week. The real school term starts next week, complete with all its brain-wrecking assignments and torturous classes. Let's hope I get to do something I like for Dance Cultures. I wanna write a paper on a Chinese Folk Dance, if I am allowed to. As for performance theory, let's just say I got a long way to go. Gotta read more and be more knowledgeble about ideals, theories and performative studies. All the why this and why thats. As for my dancing, well just gotta "Go Hard or Go Home". Haha...

End of my life as I know it. Well end of my holiday life to be exact. My mind is still not ready. The taste of freedom seems so far... Hahaha. It's not that I don't like to go there. I just wish I had time for myself; to think or to do what I want. But if I do, I may end up being a slacker. Oh well, can't have the best of both worlds.

Gonna do Ba Lang again this weekend. I need to have a practise before the rehearsal and the actual performance.

How long can I keep this up? Chasing these... dreams? Where's my plan B, I don't have one.

I'm still here

Time check: 2.37am. Yep, middle of the night, the best time to think too much. I've been having these late nights recently, staying up at this unearthly hours and knocking out when it's almost morning. Well that usually happens during the holidays. Once school term starts, I'll be back to waking up early, and not sleeping so early.

Yep, christmas. Christmas time is here. Christmas time is over. Don't celebrate christmas, not in the western traditional fashion, but well I was expecting something special. What was I thinking? What, the magic season of the year? Like, what's this festive season all about, it's not even snowing here. Every time of this year, I kept hoping for something special and getting disappointed. Haha, right it is actually pretty much a normal day. A public holiday with people swarming in the streets and the malls everywhere. Haha...

Can't say I didn't have a good time. Spent the whole day with my family and grandma on christmas eve. We had lunch, tea and dinner. Think I gained like a few kilos that day. Just eating, eating and still eating. Pasta, pizza, frappe, cakes, ice-cream, Ko Ruo Pao, Fried noodles, steamed fish!

Skyped with Elibird that night, all the way from Hong Kong! So funny. Dumb woodlanderism. Sorry to my dog Nicole if I kept her up all night. The computer is in the living room and that happens to be where she sleeps. Seems like Elibird's having a great father-daughter-godparents bonding time. Haha... I'm just kidding. Glad she's doing fine.

Christmas was another half day with my family, cept my sis who's working. Lunch was great I tell ya, beats all the $200+ meal we had on the day before. Was at balestier rd, Bak Ku Teh and Bak Chor Mee! Ok, I'm sounding like a hungry ghost here, but you get the picture. I dunno how celebrities get on these food hunting shows and comes up with different expressions and reactions to the food they eat. Like one for each dish. They must have a thesaurus with words related to nice and yummy. You know how many times they have to express their gratitude for tasting food, like 8 to 10 times per episode. That's like more than a 100 in a season! Haha, respect to them =p

Watched Bodyguards and Assassins with a few huaykuan peeps later that evening. It's a great film to catch. Might get disappointed by the small number of fight scenes by Donnie Yen, but he still kicks ass. Everyone gets their eyes peeled to the screen once he starts his kungfu thing. Oh, and Zhang XueYou made a cameo appearance at the beginning. An educated idealist, enlightening us on what is democracy, and made his dramatic exit by getting shot in the head, blood splashing out in all directions. I was like, "PG? Ohkay..." Great show. Totally worth the money and I can assure you it beats Feng Yun II by a mile.

I've wasted so much time this holiday. Can't say I haven't played but then again I didn't play much. First was the Coppelia production, just when it ends, there's opera rehearsals. I know it's in the evening, but knowing you have to be somewhere in the evening pretty much spoils your whole day. And I mostly end up rotting. Ok, holidays' ending soon.

It is a good thing coz I am thinking too much. Not in the academic way, but the foolish kinda way that can make you go nuts. I need to get a grip. No one's gonna be happy with a sad old bloke like I am now. I know it, they all know it. I hate how things turn out. I have so much regrets. What I should have done. What I shouldn't have. How it might have been. What would have happen. Why is it always like this. Why it happens over and over again. You see what I mean by thinking too much?

Alright, time to get ready for my last semester. From then on, it'll be a much tougher road ahead. I STILL DUNNO WHAT I WANT TO DO!

Let's rock 2010 baby! Make 'em proud. I hope each and everyone of ya out there a good time. Live life like never before. Have no regrets and just keep moving forward with a smile. Taking down each stupid 'plie' a day at a time.

Peace. Time check: 3.18am

Too Free?

Yes! Turns out there's no class or rehearsal on christmas eve and christmas. Isn't that just great. But damn it, two free days and now... I have no idea what to do. Hahaha.

Well anything still beats last christmas =p
Don't wanna think about it.

Check This Out!

This is some wicked dancing.
Awesome choreography.

Haha check out Ring Ding Dong too =)

SOS

This is a neverending conflict. This is a neverending problem.

Maybe it is simply just because it's the middle of the night and I should go sleep. There is this... hole inside of me that cannot be patched up. That empty feeling of agony or something. I dunno. I feel so down sometimes with such ease that it's stupid.
I need someone to be here.
I need someone to talk to sometimes.
I need someone to get me out of it.
I need someone to tell me that it's okay.
I need someone to get me going wherever I am going.
and I'm sounding like some messed up emotional person now.

Not again! Not now. Not ever.

Do you believe in second chances? Or even a third?

Better off alone...

11 in the Morning

Random post... I've been waking up late recently. Sleeping late too of course. Bad habit. Gotta adjust my biological clock back to normal. Don't sleep like a pig!

Gonna cut my hair. Whole head's gotten bushy again since the last time I chopped it off. Haha. I hope I don't wear out before the performance this weekend. Almost done! Better buck up this week =p

Franz where are you? Come out quick! Haha...

December... Christmas?

Decemeber's here! Yup, it is almost the end of the year, about 27 more days to go. Still not fully enjoying the holidays yet. I need to practise more for Coppelia. Been getting more and more lazy, someone motivate me! Haha, I dunno why, but I really find it difficult to get into the condition to practise male variations. Have you noticed that male variations are often full of jumps and turns ONLY? One minute and you'll be gasping for air or clinging to a wall. No stamina lah me =p Jogging maybe? Nah...

I went to visit some old places on Monday. Alone, "ZuYou's day out" -.- I spent the whole day by myself, walking around partially aimlessly, and went for rehearsals in the evening. And guess what, I found quite a few Swatch shops. The hook on the Swatch watch given to me on my 18th birthday is broken. I wanted to get it fixed but I didn't bring it out that day. Next time then...

I can't wait for the real real holidays to start, after dec 13. Then again, I need more time to get myself ready for the performance. I suck! I look really awful in ballet. No feet, no turn-out, no elevation, don even have the ballet look when I dance. Someone enlighten me! Kick that playful lazy thinking mind-set out of me! Not time to loosen up yet. On the other hand, I have no idea what to do after the production. No class? What else is there to do? PIZZA HUT!!! Eat til I grow fat.

Dreading christmas... No idea what to do. Yet.

So far...

Yes, I'm still alive. Made it this far, gotta keep going.

Exams over! Haha, could have done better for contemp, me and the Lv3s kinda screwed up the exam, all too nervous I guess. I scored better for ballet than contemporary -.-" The teacher must be too excited over my ballet exam attire, a white leotard and grey tights with suspenders. Hahaha...

Collab Grey Matter's over! Well I admit I did have a great time. It was our own production, with works by me and my classmates, plus Lulu's and Melissa's. I'm so grateful that Melissa danced the piece with me. And of course thank you An so much. What would I do without her, really like my mother already :p Thanks to all my mothers! Hahaha...

Genting's performance is over! I just reach Singapore on Monday. Although it was a short trip for me, but I really had a blast! Had a great time though I didn't play at Genting at all... except for the last morning when me and the guys were hanging out at the arcade for a while. Sunday was a full day of blocking, rehearsal, performance. The floor is sick! So rough and totally unsuitable for dance. My shoe died in rehearsal and I ended up with burned skin on my knees. Haha, but I'm glad coz I felt I did a good perf myself. I know I'm not good, but I enjoyed performing that night, I wasn't afraid of being judged and I was just doing what I like. Cried at the end of gay boy dance, coz I kinda felt touched halfway through the piece, when my 'mum' finally accepts me. It's been a long time since I dance like this with the Huay Kuan peeps. So long that I've forgotten what it's like to be a dance troupe, a Wu Tuan.
There is nothing like this elsewhere. Not at school. Not at Cheng.
Here we laugh together.
Here we play together.
Here we eat together.
Here we cry together.
Here we 'die' together.
Here we 'chiong' together.
Here we dance together. =)

Now I gotta focus on Coppelia. This is where technique is put to the test. Damn my not so capable body! I'm working on it! =p Need more muscles, strength and flexibility. "Don't dance like a piece of wood!", Franz jiayou! Hahaha...

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I'm just so mixed up lately. Some things are drifting further away from me. Some things are coming back into my life. Things change. Whether I want them to or not. Someday we all just gotta learn to live what we have. It's all about choices again isn't it. It is about what we choose. And things are just beyond our control, not choices for us to make.

I just wish.... ='/
___________________________________________________________

Still my all-time idol =p

Slow and Steady

Life isn't all that bad.

Just gotta keep going.

Jaded

I am so... tired.

There is so many things happening at the same time. I got Friday's performance, Ballet exam, Contemporary exam, Collaboration showing, Genting performance, Coppelia.

I know I complain a lot and things aren't so bad once it's over. But how am I going to pull through this. Right now it's just crazy. My mind and body is calling for a break! My mind can't focus and do my academic work. My mind can't remember all the examination combinations. My mind can't remember all the steps for Collab. Sorry yh and ll. And most sorry to myself, for being too busy and tired to give a damn about my own lousy piece.

And I really need to practise for those upcoming performances. No way I can perform in Genting with this level of lousy dancing. And seriously ballet is impossible for me. I can't even stand decently without arching my back. I cannot do pirouette or turns of any sort, coz I'm so stupidly retarded and stiff. I just can't turn out for crying out loud. I try and try, I stretch a lot, I do cool down. My body just isn't built for this kind of thing. You know how some people can come and just do everything.

There is a point where hardwork alone is just not enough. Now that I'm not even motivated to work hard, what else am I good for? I should just give up.

Sleep deprived -_- zzz

Better...

Performed Ba Lang just now. Not very well done but still not so bad :p I practised a lot at huay kuan in the afternoon. Was running it section by section, the fast beginning, the dancey middle, and the fast ending. It is a super tiring five minutes man, definitely not for the weak at heart. 5 minutes of ba langish dancing is as tiring as doing Flames of Paris or La Fille Mal Gardee. Really comparable.

Then I practised the whole item again and again. Thanks Shi Hui jie jie for helping me to turn the music on and off. Literally sweat through my shirt and pants. I should never dance with props. Especially when you have to throw them. You never know when things go wrong. The slightest mistake or error can spoil the trick. Oh my, to me throwing the drum is one of the hardest things to do other than the dancing itself. Every run I did, I accidentally dropped the drum somewhere at some point. So I did many improvised versions of the dance. Interesting... and some are just plain dumb and funny.

Because I rehearsed many times, I'm aching and guess what... I cramped during the show! My whole right inner thigh was cramping the moment I squat. So all my squatting movements have awkward cans and jerks. Haha, luckily it's ming jian wu... can fake a bit =p Then there was this place where I did a spilt vertically. I was literally using that moment to stretch my muscles out. I never anticipated all this to happen. I know my drum might slip off and all... but cramping and stretching on stage? That's something new.

Ok lah, the stage is small and I had spacing problems. And I couldn't execute the movements perfectly because of the cramp, sloppy and clumsy movements. But I'm happy that I was focused and quite into the dance. That's the least that's good about today. I'll practise more.

Feeling better compared to this morning. I was a total wreck. Sometimes I feel so weak and useless that I need someone to be there. Someone to encourage and tell me everything's gonna be alright. But no... I gotta be stronger than this. I gotta be better than this.

Be strong.

I'm gonna go do my work now.

It's a quiet night. I hope everything's fine and good for you too :)