Stepping Up...

Production week is crazy. Well not as crazy, but it's been many long day. We start later than usual, around the afternoon but we finish at night. Time really flies in the theatre; spacing/cue to cue/rehearsal, a quick dinner, and back to work. The next thing I know, it's already 10plus at night. Going for a quick supper can be troublesome, means more money spent on cab fare, and also not forgetting midnight charge! Haha, but okay lah, I do make it a point to catch last trains, and not end up at Jurong East.

I'm nervous. I'm scared. Somehow I convince myself that being prepared calms me down. Knowing what you're doing is a good way to enjoy the whole performance process. I practise a lot... Well mostly practise the chair solo. I hope I do justice to the original dancer and choreographer, adding a touch of ZuYou-ness, and also Tamminising it =p

I know what I am most afraid of is being judged. Judged by my friends, my teachers. I am always criticised, for this and that; the not pointing of the feet, the arch back, lack of portrayal, lack of personality, lack of expression... and the list goes on. I try not to think too much about it. What matters is the show, the performance, oh yea, be in the state of liminality. Haha, here's where performance theory comes back to haunt me =p

Alright wish me luck! I know it's too late but if you happen to read this and am interested to watch the performance, it's the graduation show by the LASALLE school of dance, a night of wonderful contemporary dance works. It's on April 30 and 1 May, 8pm at the LASALLE SIA Theatre. Oh, the school is just beside Sim Lim Square. Tickets at $10, and you can easily get it from me! =)

It's always summer here, always hot, but the theatre is just so cold... and empty.

This.... is old.

IT's LOUD. You've been warned...

Mary belongs to the words of a song.
I try to be strong for her, try not to be wrong for her.
But she will not wait for me anymore, anymore.
Why did I say all those things before I was sure?

(She is the one), but I have a purpose,
(She is the one), and I have to fight this,
(she is the one), the villain I can't knock down.

I see your face with every punch I take,
and every bone I break, it's all for you.
And my worst pains are words I cannot say,
still I will always fight on for you.

Mary's alive in the bright New York sky,
the city lights shine for her, above them I cry for her.
Everything's small on the ground below, down below.
What if I fall, then where would I go, would she know?

(She is the one), all that I wanted,
(she is the one), and I will be haunted,
(she is the one), this gift is my curse for now.


I see your face with every punch I take,
and every bone I break, it's all for you.
And my worst pains are words I cannot say.
Still I will always fight on for you.

(Instrumental)

I see your face with every punch I take,
and every bone I break, it's all for you.
And my worst pains are words I cannot say.
Still I will always fight on for you.
Fight on for you...
Fight on for you...


Found this song "hiding' inside my PSP. It's a song from the soundtrack of Spider-Man 2. I know, it's so old already. I still remember Vindicated used to be the song on my blog :p Oh, I'm a big fan of the Web Slinger. Okay, maybe last time. Now I got no time for these childish indulgences -.-" Anyway, this song(especially the chorus) sounds like how I felt about some experiences I went through last time, which I hate to recall. Well not literally but... metaphorically :p Okay I guess nobody understands what I'm saying here.

___________________________________________________________
Now that I have no life, I can concentrate more on getting work done, to do what needs to be done, to dance what needs to be danced. I hate this life. Is this what I want? But I do like to busy myself with dance. That's all I know how to do. Other people got places here and there to go, to meet someone, have some appointment, got a gathering etc. All I go are studios. Haha... Nah, I'm quite sure I go out elsewhere sometimes too, just that I don't remember them. So far the only relaxing things I do are the occasional afternoons when I have time to hangout in the school library and the late nights when I am not working on some head-bangin 'ass'ignment.

Not Finished yet...

Came across this on the column of advice for dancers by Linda Hamilton...
Well I changed it a bit here but this are some of the things...

For better or worse, gifted people are often born with a rage to learn and perfect their work. In your case, this innate drive most likely helped you progress in dance. The downside is that it may also have taken over your life. Everyone, including a gifted dancer, requires friends, hobbies, and time off. Without these resources, you can develop a full-blown out case of burnout, which can take three months to recover from after you stop performing. Symptons include a temporary loss of technique, upper-respiratory infections, and an absence of joy, making you question why you even want to dance. Before you make a precipitous decision, please see a psychologist who can help. Many talented people burn out. The challenge is to find a balance between work and quality of life.

Is this happening to me? No I'm not gifted or talented -_-" . But maybe the above explains my so called self proclaimed "mild depression"; and why I hate and dread to go to some *ahem places. A case of mild burnout? But I am scared to stop sometimes, because I know I am not good and have a lot of things to work on. And I am afraid if I stop, I will never start again. I don't know.... Why can't work and quality of life be the same thing? Haha... That would be THE life lah, and ideally that would be what we all want. Happy 24/7...

What about you? I know everyone is stressed and have problems one way or the other. Hang it there! =)

Limited.

Please give me the strength to pull through this.

This period has proven how easily I break and shows the worse sides of me.

Let it all end and let me get back to how it is before. Or better.

I know times lost can never come back. And things in future will always be different, no matter how I try to keep the same, or assume it will the same.

I just want my life to get better. Not saying what I do is tough, lots of other people go through tough shit.

I just want to be better. Then maybe... I can go back and discover what it means to be happy and joyful.

I HATE IT NOW. But yea I understand, shit happens.

Almost there! =)

Almost...

I'm just saying this to boost self-morale... <(O_O)>

Graduating soon!
June 21 is coming!

Before that I got ASSIGNMENTS, Collaboration show and Fly With Me.
CAN ONE LAH!

Haha this is turning out to be pointless. It is getting late anyway.
See y'all...

Zzz...

Yep, am in the library again. The other LASALLE dancers left in Singapore are rehearsing their marathon run piece, which I am not involved. =p Haha... I think some of the foundation dancers should be joining them too.

Good luck to them, we were totally slaughtered this morning in Albert's class, but it's cool that he's in a good mood, so we just did multiple repetitions of all the routines. Is he joking with me, because the class started with him saying, "Lai, three groups, level 1, level 2, level 3." Haha... but it raised a whole new sense of awareness in me when I threw my body around the big studio, so barren and deserted.

Okay, I suppose this afternoon is homework time for me... >_<"

And in the evening, I become Cinderella Man, saving Cheng from dust and dirt.

"I like dancing towards an unreachable goal because it means that even when the curtain comes down, my journey isn't over." -Rashaun Mitchell, urm, a Cunningham dancer

Really?! He feels that way? Just something to think about... But I think it's bull :p There'll be many unnecessary stress and emotional complications with that line of thought. Okay different people can take different levels of stress. And also different people have different perspectives on reaching unreachable goals. Conclusion: It's subjective. Do what's best for yourself.

But I don't know what's best for me... yet.
See how lah... =p

Not Just Another Tuesday

Wish there were more days and nights like this. =)

Just another one of those

I thought my next post was gonna be about something nice or pleasant but.... well, next time maybe...

Am not doing so good. It's been like a month. There's just this feeling that I cannot explain. Nope it's not an emotional feeling. Just a feeling of being mixed up, or messed up, confused; well you get the idea.

Haha, at least I got quite a load of assignments done. Could have done better though.

Is homework messing with my head?

No that's not it. That's just an excuse I give myself...

I don't know what I want to do and I end up doing nothing. I'm not getting along with anything. I feel that my life's been put on hold. I'm not living a life fully. For some reason I just tell myself, what it is now is just temporary, it'll pass. But why am I thinking like this?! There is nothing temporary, this is my life, and this is the way it is. It's like I'm waiting for something to happen or something to pass. Am I not commiting to my life? Like how Melissa says I don't look like I am commiting myself to my movements?

Yes, my problem is I don't commit myself fully to my movements. But not commiting to my life, now that's a big problem. A problem of disastrous proportions... end of my world >_<

Haha, I can't believe I writing all these here. I thought I've learnt to keep things to myself for the better. If it doesn't do anything to say it, or it's pointless, then don't say, because the output will come in the form of complains. But I am blogging about what's eating at me now am I... I suppose subconciously, this is me calling for help. Reaching a point where it's gonna break me. An SOS... is anybody listening?

Oh, by now I thought I would have got used to their insensitive form of words. A bunch of insensitive talking older people that makes me hate them everytime although they are the ones close to me. I really think they should stop talking and thinking like this, it pisses people off. Or maybe it is just sensitive me.

Maybe my mum is right. I always say I feel that I don't belong and don't get along anywhere. But maybe it's because I never try to...
I am human, I am not perfect, but I try.
I am not happy with who I am, but I try.
Clearly I am misunderstood alot, but I try.
Things aren't always what it seems... I feel pain too, even sometimes when it seems alright.
I want to dig a hole and hide.
I don't wanna be judged.

All this will pass... in time. You see? That's my problem.