Perharps...

I've been thinking lately, and seeing different things lately. Things don't always go the way I want it to. Or rather I may not be able to do things I want to, no matter how much I want. Sometimes it just isn't meant to be. All I do is hope. Perharps I should be more open to changes?

What do you think?

Performance Theory kills

I've got to manage my time better. Just missed two technique classes today -_-" I hope Mr Cheng doesn't hammer me with his words again. Dang, If I had more interest in my work, I could have got things done faster and easier...

Melissa is right, I've got to talk and settle things properly soon, or it will affect my academics and I'll end up with lousy writings. But I don't know how and what to cut down. There's so many things to prepare for. Got p.o.p, genting, lee foundation.

I need a break. I felt like I've finally caught my breath today now that I have some "free time" for myself. I shouldn't be skipping classes for written assignments. Okay, and I shouldn't be here now too. Off to IF rehearsal now O.o" This is the most stressful dance ever man... You can tell from the dancers' faces.

I look like Thai meh? O_o?

Untitled

It is at times like this, in the middle of the night that I begin to think...

I am on the verge of breaking down.

What the hell am I doing here? Why am I doing all the things that I'm doing now? What is it that I want to do? I am so busy with everything, with commitments to Huay Kuan. To Cheng. To school. Three different places, three different dances.

Contemporary dance is still something unfamiliar to me. I feel uncomfortable with it I don't know why. Maybe it's because of its freedom of expression. I for one am quite introverted. I am afraid to show myself, to show what I am, or who I am. I can't dance to express which is really a failure as a dancer. I do not know how to dance contemporary in comtemporary's sense of beautiful raw expressiveness. I can't do contemporary dance.

Ballet is impossible. What with all its high standards of body capabilities and facilities. Just look at me. I don't have the ideal feet, the hips, the body, everything. My height is way below average. I am short. I can't even turn naturally for crying out loud. Ballet is for freaks. I can only dream of dancing ballet on a professional stage. I can't do Ballet.

Chinese dance is what I've been doing the longest and what I hold closest to. But that doesn't mean I'm any better at it. To be honest, I don't really know what Chinese dance truly looks like. I just learn what I learn from SHHK and I see videos of Chinese dances on the net. I am very limited in my knowledge and understanding of Chinese dance, be it classical or folk. I've always wanted to do Chinese Dance and do it as my primary form of dance. But I guess it is not meant to be. I don't have the teachers to teach me what I want to learn. I am limited in what I can do and I don't have the talent and the edge to do it. Some people just have it in them. I don't learn or practise Chinese Dance in Lasalle. Even if I want to learn it properly elsewhere after, I'll still have to go through two years of NS first. By then, even if I were to study Chinese Dance, I'm way too old to dance it. Youth is an asset that would have long disappeared. I've always dreamed of performing on a big stage, I guess it's not be... I can't do Chinese Dance.

What the hell am I doing? Please...

Tell me what I'm doing is worth it.
Tell me what I'm doing is not a waste of time.
Tell me what I'm doing is within my reach.
Tell me what I'm doing is okay.
Tell me what I'm doing is useful and appropriate.
Tell me what I'm doing is not just a day dream.
Tell me what I'm doing is not childish.
Tell me what I'm doing is being appreciated.
Tell me what I'm doing is not foolish.
Tell me what I'm doing is within my reach.
Tell me you believe in me.

I found comfort in reading the birthday cards and letters my friends gave me. Words of encouragement and wishes. It always cheered me up a bit. I really appreciate all these and I keep them.

I've grown... distant. From the people I hold dearly to.

I should never have posted this.

Pissed

My life's in a mess. Too many commitments. I am so f*cked -_-"

I shouldn't swear. Shall edit this post soon.

I don't know if I can make it...

=(

Post Procrastination

Doing my work now. Finally! =P

Go check out Lizz Aggiss and Xavier Le Roy. Interesting urm.... dance practioners/ performers/ artists? Haha, they're unique beyond catergorisation :p

Back to work!

1.25

Yes it's late I know. I just showered and I'm sitting in front of the com now for no particularly good reason. I'm still gonna be going to school tomorrow. Gonna drag my lazy butt down... Hahaha.

Assignments are coming back to haunt me again. It's piling up very soon. Ok, gonna be quite a packed weekend for me. Thanks ar, dance culture essays, perf lab and collab journals. I'll be killing quite some brain cells doing these.

I went to watch a dance theatre piece with my lasalle classmates, a piece made by Xavier Le Roy. Amazing lah... basically what he did was pretend we the audience are the musicians in the orchestra pit and he is the conductor conducting us. I dozed off several times I admit but I was still pretty much awake for most of it. It isn't all that bad depending on what your perspective of a good dance is. He has a concept and something he wants to present. Call me old fashion, but I still can't appreciate works like this fully. But oh well, we all have to learn to be receptive. Don't ask me why I go to watch, we were all told to go watch.

I'm looking forward to watch Paloma Herrera and Shen Wei =)

Went to eat Thai Express with some of the remaining night owls who didn't mind staying out late after the show. Oh man, I really suck at handling spicy food. Even the green curry almost killed me. I lost count of how many cups of water I drank while eating. Don't get me wrong, the food is good. Reminds me of eating at Uncle Phoebe's cafe. Hahaha, "Uncle Phoebe"... -_-"

Yea, I got no idea why I'm blogging randomly at this hour. Thought it'll be nice to write what I did instead of the usual emo-self-bashing posts...

Alamak, I still can't figure out how to turn properly. Okay, this is important... I must not dance like a piece of wood. Too stiff! Relax the upper body and neck, which gives allowance for spotting. Don't think too much about alignment, leave that to muscle memory... just spin. I was like randomly whacking triples in the afternoon but now I gotta figure out how to land decently.

Ok next time I'm gonna take it easy in classes. No messing around, especially with a knee that needs a lot of sayang sayang =p

Zu You procrastinates too much. O_o"

And so it continues...

Alright, enough self bashing. I'm more or less feeling better now... mentally. Screw everything. So what if I feel that my life sucks. Many others are probably having it worse. I'm alright. I'm good I'm good...

I went to Hui Kuan thinking there was class today. So forgetful! They were performing at the temple opposite SHHK today. A dance to pay respects to Kong Zhi or something like that. I only realized that class was cancelled after I changed and it was like almost 1.30 but no one was around. Gahhhh.... Stupid stupid. Well anyway, I went down to the temple to watch them. I took pics! Oh yea, I'll post them on the web as soon as I figure out how. I know nuts about computer stuff -.-"

I bought dove shampoo! Haha, finally... =P

I shall work harder in my dancing now. Yea my knee isn't getting any better but that shouldn't be an excuse. I'll try to do more, as much as I can, but not anything foolish that would do harm. I hope I can jump properly soon! Woah, I never knew how much it sucks to be not able to jump. Trust me, you would go crazy without jumping for weeks. Haha... Feel so... grounded. Haha. No more 50% marking! Turn it up to 65! Or a 80! Yup... Nothing can get me down as long as I stay positive. Wish me luck!

One word. CHIONG.

Peace.

Still Injured

Oh man, I sat in front of the computer for almost half a day. Good thing is, I finished my work... =)

I watched the Moonfest performance on Friday. Good job everyone! Xing Peng Xing looks great, Ba Lang looks awesome, Bai Shou looks nice. I hope I get to perform with the Huay Kuan dancers the next time.

I feel so unwelcomed everywhere. It looks to me that everyone's got their own loved ones. My Family. Huay Kuan. Cheng. Why is it that I feel like an outsider that just happen to be around sometimes. Why is it I always feel so left out? Am I really just meant to be like this and nothing more? I hope it's just me thinking too much...

Stop treating me like this. I hate it. I hate myself for being me. But I can't change who I am.

I just have to try.

Nothing comes close to feeling like this...