Thinking back

This is how it all began.

Update!

Sorry I've been out of touched with blogger for quite some time. Only get to use internet on friday nights and weekend nights. Just got home awhile ago, am in the living room. My bro is singing in his room! My sis probably sleeping already, and my parents... best lah, after still at Marina Sands Casino. My legs feel numb, hopefully it's just from too tired. Or maybe it's because I am sick still. What the, really want to recover soon, I am coughing way too much. My abs are flexing and cramping. How is that even possible, free exercise which I cannot stop even if I am tired. People who wants their abs muscles built, try getting an annoying non stop cough. But watch it, I heard excessive coughing and sneezing hurts your lower back, especially if you are in the wrong posture. Yep, I'm not lying, it's true.

If in future there is a device that can put my thoughts into words, that will be good. Getting lazier to blog sometimes. Or maybe I want to, but just never get around to sitting down and think how to start.

I miss long bus trips alone, listening to music or just thinking about stuff while staring out the window. Happen to have a chance to take a short bus 912 trip home just now, feels relaxed. Aircon is luxury man, once you experience living in my current bunk, which almost like a storeroom, very little ventilation but at least got two really old rust dirty fans. My buddy and I did try cleaning it, but it get dirty easily. Last bookout we got 60 pumpings, meaning 6 areas where dust is still found in the room. It's almost impossible to do so many push-ups properly... -_-" I don't know, maybe really fit men can really do that. Salute them haha...

My approach towards dance now is different from before I realize. No more goal achiecving and eager to improve asap attitude. It's more easy going now I think. But I am still almost as hardworking as before. But of course now I am a lot more slack, bo chup attittude. It's a good thing, in a way. Last thing I want now is to get stressed over dance, and risk losing passion for it or what. I thought I lost it sometimes, but everytime I get back into studio, or away from the studio for too long. I know lah, start to feel itchy.

I still find it difficult to live my days happy always. There's always things that keeps me troubled no doubt. It's the way I see things and accept things. I tend to think too much? Minor problems or problems that aren't even problems gets me down? I don't know. Sometimes I manage well sometimes I just really lose it. No matter what, it isn't important, just need to bring the logic into my face, think things through straight and over time, I should more or less realize that it's okay. If it's not, "suck thumb" lo. Haha, sometimes even better, I think I can kind of lie myself into thinking it's okay, simply changing my perspective of looking at the matter.

Haha, after that chunk of words on top of this, I guess I can tell I'm not that happy with my life yet. I don't like it that I always think I have to spend my life impressing people, including my own self. This gets me sad for no reasons always huh. Haha... WOW after so long I think I finally realize why the emo virus infected me. Maybe life can be better from now on if I stop restlessly thinking and getting bothered that I am in the minority human group known as the "weaker than average ones".

I remember I once told somebody "don't give up on me!".
Now I gotta tell myself "don't give up on me!" too.

Discouraged

A lot of things on my mind. Too fogged up and troubled to think straight. Can't even type a post properly.

Just not happy with my life as usual. Right, everybody's got a problem with their lives. I won't make my problem your problem. Just wish I was part of another's.

I don't know what to do or think anymore.
What is there to look forward to.
Oh ya, maybe I won't be able to perform anymore.
But it does not really matter to anyone doesn't it.
I'm ST(security trooper) or in this case, suck-thumb.

I know lah, I can only blame myself for thinking too much. Perharps I was better off before, leaving the whole matter alone thinking it was never right.

All these isn't right but it seems so right. Ever get this feeling? I am... lost.

Fall in love with dance

Need to sleep. I think tonight I can finally sleep better. Starting to have some peace within my mind. Or so I think... Will find out soon enough.

Lights out! 0145

Stronger

Laoma this one is for you. Sometimes some things might knock us down, sweep us off our feet. But we gotta find that balance back, stand firm and emerge stronger.

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Sigh...
You don't know it it's not your fault I don't blame you I am screwing my own head up.
Jenny, it's killing me.