So far...

Yes, I'm still alive. Made it this far, gotta keep going.

Exams over! Haha, could have done better for contemp, me and the Lv3s kinda screwed up the exam, all too nervous I guess. I scored better for ballet than contemporary -.-" The teacher must be too excited over my ballet exam attire, a white leotard and grey tights with suspenders. Hahaha...

Collab Grey Matter's over! Well I admit I did have a great time. It was our own production, with works by me and my classmates, plus Lulu's and Melissa's. I'm so grateful that Melissa danced the piece with me. And of course thank you An so much. What would I do without her, really like my mother already :p Thanks to all my mothers! Hahaha...

Genting's performance is over! I just reach Singapore on Monday. Although it was a short trip for me, but I really had a blast! Had a great time though I didn't play at Genting at all... except for the last morning when me and the guys were hanging out at the arcade for a while. Sunday was a full day of blocking, rehearsal, performance. The floor is sick! So rough and totally unsuitable for dance. My shoe died in rehearsal and I ended up with burned skin on my knees. Haha, but I'm glad coz I felt I did a good perf myself. I know I'm not good, but I enjoyed performing that night, I wasn't afraid of being judged and I was just doing what I like. Cried at the end of gay boy dance, coz I kinda felt touched halfway through the piece, when my 'mum' finally accepts me. It's been a long time since I dance like this with the Huay Kuan peeps. So long that I've forgotten what it's like to be a dance troupe, a Wu Tuan.
There is nothing like this elsewhere. Not at school. Not at Cheng.
Here we laugh together.
Here we play together.
Here we eat together.
Here we cry together.
Here we 'die' together.
Here we 'chiong' together.
Here we dance together. =)

Now I gotta focus on Coppelia. This is where technique is put to the test. Damn my not so capable body! I'm working on it! =p Need more muscles, strength and flexibility. "Don't dance like a piece of wood!", Franz jiayou! Hahaha...

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I'm just so mixed up lately. Some things are drifting further away from me. Some things are coming back into my life. Things change. Whether I want them to or not. Someday we all just gotta learn to live what we have. It's all about choices again isn't it. It is about what we choose. And things are just beyond our control, not choices for us to make.

I just wish.... ='/
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Still my all-time idol =p

Slow and Steady

Life isn't all that bad.

Just gotta keep going.

Jaded

I am so... tired.

There is so many things happening at the same time. I got Friday's performance, Ballet exam, Contemporary exam, Collaboration showing, Genting performance, Coppelia.

I know I complain a lot and things aren't so bad once it's over. But how am I going to pull through this. Right now it's just crazy. My mind and body is calling for a break! My mind can't focus and do my academic work. My mind can't remember all the examination combinations. My mind can't remember all the steps for Collab. Sorry yh and ll. And most sorry to myself, for being too busy and tired to give a damn about my own lousy piece.

And I really need to practise for those upcoming performances. No way I can perform in Genting with this level of lousy dancing. And seriously ballet is impossible for me. I can't even stand decently without arching my back. I cannot do pirouette or turns of any sort, coz I'm so stupidly retarded and stiff. I just can't turn out for crying out loud. I try and try, I stretch a lot, I do cool down. My body just isn't built for this kind of thing. You know how some people can come and just do everything.

There is a point where hardwork alone is just not enough. Now that I'm not even motivated to work hard, what else am I good for? I should just give up.

Sleep deprived -_- zzz

Better...

Performed Ba Lang just now. Not very well done but still not so bad :p I practised a lot at huay kuan in the afternoon. Was running it section by section, the fast beginning, the dancey middle, and the fast ending. It is a super tiring five minutes man, definitely not for the weak at heart. 5 minutes of ba langish dancing is as tiring as doing Flames of Paris or La Fille Mal Gardee. Really comparable.

Then I practised the whole item again and again. Thanks Shi Hui jie jie for helping me to turn the music on and off. Literally sweat through my shirt and pants. I should never dance with props. Especially when you have to throw them. You never know when things go wrong. The slightest mistake or error can spoil the trick. Oh my, to me throwing the drum is one of the hardest things to do other than the dancing itself. Every run I did, I accidentally dropped the drum somewhere at some point. So I did many improvised versions of the dance. Interesting... and some are just plain dumb and funny.

Because I rehearsed many times, I'm aching and guess what... I cramped during the show! My whole right inner thigh was cramping the moment I squat. So all my squatting movements have awkward cans and jerks. Haha, luckily it's ming jian wu... can fake a bit =p Then there was this place where I did a spilt vertically. I was literally using that moment to stretch my muscles out. I never anticipated all this to happen. I know my drum might slip off and all... but cramping and stretching on stage? That's something new.

Ok lah, the stage is small and I had spacing problems. And I couldn't execute the movements perfectly because of the cramp, sloppy and clumsy movements. But I'm happy that I was focused and quite into the dance. That's the least that's good about today. I'll practise more.

Feeling better compared to this morning. I was a total wreck. Sometimes I feel so weak and useless that I need someone to be there. Someone to encourage and tell me everything's gonna be alright. But no... I gotta be stronger than this. I gotta be better than this.

Be strong.

I'm gonna go do my work now.

It's a quiet night. I hope everything's fine and good for you too :)

Suffocating.

Even after dans fest, things are still as hectic as ever. Everything. It's still too much for me to handle. School, assignments, rehearsals, performances. I really can't multi-task.

It's okay if I have time to do each at a time. But right now everything is just coming right at me. And all I end up doing is screaming at myself. I'm missing classes in school in the morning. I need time to do my work. Need time to seriously sit down, think and write, not just splatter words and paragraphs for the sake of meeting datelines. It's pointless getting back papers with big fat D on it.

Choreography takes time too. And I've been rushing and not thinking about what I'm doing properly. Don't even wanna talk about my collaboration with Music Tech students. Somehow I gotta find a way to see the dance together with electronic music. I'm not saying the music is bad, just that what I've made is not going well with the music composition at all.

I miss everything.

I miss dancing because it's fun.

I miss dancing because I want to.

I'm gonna do my work now.

So f*cked.

Up Against the World

Am in the Esplanade green room now. I still rememebered myself sitting here back in 2007 during Dans Fest then. This year's performance is called Tuesday's Child. Lasalle dancers are gonna rock this turtle shell down! Haha...

I just finished the second show. I felt I did good (finally!) for yesterday's rehearsal (yes, just the rehearsal =/ ). I'm giving it my all in Omar's piece, Up Against the Wall. I'm doing two emotional pieces this year. Felt like I was really immersed in the piece, but how I look visually in the performance is another question. At least I got to feel how it's like to be in performance and engaging in a simulation. Haha, performance theory is really getting into my head :p. Sadly, this only happened in the rehearsal.

The show yesterday night went okay for me too. But I was really concious and worried that I couldn't do everything properly. But overall, we did okay =)

The matinee show just now was okay too. Maybe we lack energy, but still rock it I hope. Gonna go prepare for the next show now. My last show with the school at the Esplanade. Gotta stay in the zone! I need to warm-up and up and up. Shyness be gone =p

Yup. All's good. =D