S.O.S

Wow, this is my first post for 2009. Been busy lately so I haven't really been able to find time to update. And I don't really know what to write about also. Okay I think this is gonna be an EMO post, just wanna scream some things out here. I don't see the point but it might make me feel better. Or not. Or maybe by tomorrow I'll be all better already.

Been caught up in a hectic life recently. Mostly dance actually. There's just so many things to do everyday and every hour. That's why I could pull myself together so well after being depressed for so long. There is a goal for me to reach and something to be done. But lately I find it's getting really difficult and I'm starting to be convinced by what one of my teachers have been telling me. The message was simple, "Your dream in dance is impossible."

Maybe I'm just been pessimistic and all. I'm glad you and many of my friends keep telling me that I can do it, giving encouragement like "Jiayou!", "Will get there de," , "Work hard and you'll do it". But at the end of the day, reality is harsh. I just hope I'm not too caught up in all these dreams that are almost impossible to achieve.

I went to Huikuan for class today. It's been a long time since I've been there. Was busy doing the Sun Drum Dance in Johor for Chinese New Year. It was a great experience though getting through the customs was a real waste of time. It's so funny how we had all these accidents during the show coz the stage is either unsuitable or just plain too small to be used to perform a dance. Especially when you're waving two long sticks and carrying a big drum on your back. Haha...

So anyway, class today was so hard for me. Kinda lost touch with everything. I hate to say it, and I hate to feel this way. But I have to admit, I realize that I'm really very unhappy at huaykuan. Being angry at myself is most of the reason why I hate being there I think. I'm sorry to say, but I really don't feel like going back there anymore. For now maybe... I know it's irresponsible to do that. But I just can't take it anymore, don't wanna go there every weekend and feel so bad. This isn't normal. This isn't good.

I felt so much misery at huaykuan over the years. So much that I can't really remember anything happy. I feel so in pain sometimes. All the shit I went through there. I don't think I can go there and just take a proper good class anymore. I get distracted. I can't pay attention. I can't focus. I can't just keep my heart and mind on dance.

At this moment, I just don't want to go back anymore.

Maybe I just need a break.

A break from Huikuan.

A break from the past that's still haunting me and a break from the future that's scaring me.

The question now is the present. What do I wanna do?