Thinking back

This is how it all began.

Update!

Sorry I've been out of touched with blogger for quite some time. Only get to use internet on friday nights and weekend nights. Just got home awhile ago, am in the living room. My bro is singing in his room! My sis probably sleeping already, and my parents... best lah, after still at Marina Sands Casino. My legs feel numb, hopefully it's just from too tired. Or maybe it's because I am sick still. What the, really want to recover soon, I am coughing way too much. My abs are flexing and cramping. How is that even possible, free exercise which I cannot stop even if I am tired. People who wants their abs muscles built, try getting an annoying non stop cough. But watch it, I heard excessive coughing and sneezing hurts your lower back, especially if you are in the wrong posture. Yep, I'm not lying, it's true.

If in future there is a device that can put my thoughts into words, that will be good. Getting lazier to blog sometimes. Or maybe I want to, but just never get around to sitting down and think how to start.

I miss long bus trips alone, listening to music or just thinking about stuff while staring out the window. Happen to have a chance to take a short bus 912 trip home just now, feels relaxed. Aircon is luxury man, once you experience living in my current bunk, which almost like a storeroom, very little ventilation but at least got two really old rust dirty fans. My buddy and I did try cleaning it, but it get dirty easily. Last bookout we got 60 pumpings, meaning 6 areas where dust is still found in the room. It's almost impossible to do so many push-ups properly... -_-" I don't know, maybe really fit men can really do that. Salute them haha...

My approach towards dance now is different from before I realize. No more goal achiecving and eager to improve asap attitude. It's more easy going now I think. But I am still almost as hardworking as before. But of course now I am a lot more slack, bo chup attittude. It's a good thing, in a way. Last thing I want now is to get stressed over dance, and risk losing passion for it or what. I thought I lost it sometimes, but everytime I get back into studio, or away from the studio for too long. I know lah, start to feel itchy.

I still find it difficult to live my days happy always. There's always things that keeps me troubled no doubt. It's the way I see things and accept things. I tend to think too much? Minor problems or problems that aren't even problems gets me down? I don't know. Sometimes I manage well sometimes I just really lose it. No matter what, it isn't important, just need to bring the logic into my face, think things through straight and over time, I should more or less realize that it's okay. If it's not, "suck thumb" lo. Haha, sometimes even better, I think I can kind of lie myself into thinking it's okay, simply changing my perspective of looking at the matter.

Haha, after that chunk of words on top of this, I guess I can tell I'm not that happy with my life yet. I don't like it that I always think I have to spend my life impressing people, including my own self. This gets me sad for no reasons always huh. Haha... WOW after so long I think I finally realize why the emo virus infected me. Maybe life can be better from now on if I stop restlessly thinking and getting bothered that I am in the minority human group known as the "weaker than average ones".

I remember I once told somebody "don't give up on me!".
Now I gotta tell myself "don't give up on me!" too.

Discouraged

A lot of things on my mind. Too fogged up and troubled to think straight. Can't even type a post properly.

Just not happy with my life as usual. Right, everybody's got a problem with their lives. I won't make my problem your problem. Just wish I was part of another's.

I don't know what to do or think anymore.
What is there to look forward to.
Oh ya, maybe I won't be able to perform anymore.
But it does not really matter to anyone doesn't it.
I'm ST(security trooper) or in this case, suck-thumb.

I know lah, I can only blame myself for thinking too much. Perharps I was better off before, leaving the whole matter alone thinking it was never right.

All these isn't right but it seems so right. Ever get this feeling? I am... lost.

Fall in love with dance

Need to sleep. I think tonight I can finally sleep better. Starting to have some peace within my mind. Or so I think... Will find out soon enough.

Lights out! 0145

Stronger

Laoma this one is for you. Sometimes some things might knock us down, sweep us off our feet. But we gotta find that balance back, stand firm and emerge stronger.

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Sigh...
You don't know it it's not your fault I don't blame you I am screwing my own head up.
Jenny, it's killing me.

Hello

"Why do we fall. So that we can learn to pick ourselves up."

I've fallen uncountable times. But slowly I pick myself up again. Sometimes I get a little help from my friends. Sometimes I just do it myself. All in all, I'm still doing fine more or less.

My inconfidence is really giving me trouble sometimes. Dunno why I need so much emotional support. A big thanks a lot to all the people out there who have looked out for me. How does one build self-confidence. Haha... Start by accepting my pros and cons. Ya, I saw that somewhere before. Hopefully I start building confidence as I grow older. We all gotta be independent, especially for a guy.

I want to be different. I want to be free. I want to be better than who I am now. So that one day people will see me differently. I have fallen countless times, I'm getting back up again =)

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Mind and Heart

The mind and the heart. One to think and one to feel. Sometimes I depend on thinking too much, and other times I stick to my feelings too much. I guess we gotta balance it out. Thinking too much and being practical can be a bad thing, so is always going with the way you feel, not considering and analysing situations.

Yea this is just something I thought about just now. I feel somewhat better now. Was talking to one of my section mates just now, from the bus to the ferry to that dreaded island. Being older(experienced) and all, I guess he's more sensible? Or maybe I'm just dumb and hard-headed. Haha, I think I really have too little guy friends, thanks to my dancing days in Lasalle. Can't find many guys in this department. So maybe I got no one to relate to or look up to. Come to think of it, it's funny how sometimes I'm clueless about things that they usually do together, or talk about. Football almost is like universal topic.

Ok I heard it's quite a pack schedule this week, including grenade throwing! >_< BETTER NOT screw this up. Seriously. Yep lights out soon. New day of the week tomorrow, starting with AGR (Ability Group Run). In other words it means "run together don't fall behind". Ok, time check: 2202.

Good luck to me, Mohawk Mohawk chiong sua all the way! Good luck to RS Chinese Dance and the three brilliant dancers in Cadence! And... happy holidays to you =)

Shoved.

I don't know why I'm blogging again. Maybe I realized the truth. The truth about just how alone I really am. No one cares.

I have... issues. Things that I don't know how to fix. Things that I cannot fix.

These few weeks, 7weeks or so to be more exact, is like a snowball rolling down to a emotional breakdown. Now it's almost coming all the way down, and I can't take it anymore. I can't fight it anymore. Facing the truth is never easy.

I am not strong. I cannot be that dependable, independent person that I think I should be. I cannot be that confident, easy going smart person that I wanna be. There's just nothing outstanding about me. Just one of those guys fated to fall behind and be forgotten.

I should not have gone into dance. It's against my personality to stand out, to be outspoken. It's contradicting how I enjoy this but feel uncomfortable and uneasy. There's always the fear of not being able to do it. Challenges come, and I stumble and draw back. That's me. Total loser calibre. Not just in dance. Maybe just about everything in life, I try I fail I try I give up. Things just don't seem to go right. I do things and already have the mindset that I can't halfway through.

Saying all this is pointless. No matter how beaten up I am inside, hurt and broken, I still have to put up a strong front. Show that it's not affecting me, that I cannot be broken. It's only human to feel weak at times, but we still stand up when we fall. Maybe by putting up a strong front, you'll start believing and convince yourself that you really are. Fight on... fight on, I just gotta pick my broken self up and go on.

-Another thing, even though a lot and nothing has happened, we have something and nothing, I am thankful coz you make me do things that I would never have done. Feel things that I would never have felt. We have so much and nothing. What we had together before, I can never forget.

I just wasted time writing these out. Ok booking in today. Yes, thank you so much NS for making my life so wonderful.

Adjustment

Long time no update. My first book out! Botak!

Haha, time to recuperate for a bit. Will update soon! =)

24

It's a Monday. It's Youth Day. Am I still considered youth? Turning 20 this year, so with a digit 2 in front, is it adult already? How come there is no Adult Day? Maybe there is nothing much to celebrate as an adult =/ Or maybe they have too many special days reserved for them already, like Labour Day, Father's Day, Mother's Day. But no wait that's for parents. Ok too bad... Maybe someone needs to come up with an Adult Day.

These two weeks has been... colourful. I am having fun almost every single day =) Gotta enjoy it while it last. Even all those 'bad', 'weird', or even 'Samantha Who inspired' dreams won't darken the day... Haha, but I think if I catch a horror movie, 'creative' nightmares will start pouring in. Ok anyway, good food, good experience, good company, all's good!

I've got to stop hoping for something that isn't going to happen. Sooner or later I have to accept that I will be doing National Service for 1year 10months. It's not that long, but I feel that it's long!!! If I could study further, I would have wanted to, continue on a dance degree like many of my classmates/friends. That would have been great...

Okay enough of the daydreaming... O_o" What's important is to think ahead to the future, after that 1year 10months, where things can be changed, starting from the present. I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO. Whatever it is, I want to do something that I would enjoy. THe idea of working in RuiQi dance academy or company sounds really cool, one can always dream right? Not gonna let 'the man' get me down. 'Dance Admin' can take a back seat for now... I'll rather be cooking or something, though I cannot cook.

Mr and Mrs Chong's wedding! The couple of the year.

Off to find breakfast... =)

Home sweet home

Mixed and confused feelings within me. Sleep is the best comfort. Hope those bad dreams do not come tonight...

=)

Bored...

Just being bored... I'm in Hong Kong now, in the computer room in HKAPA. Sitting in front of the comp, it makes me think of the times when I was sitting alone in front of the comp at Lasalle. The internet here is so much faster. Took me ages to load any webpage back in Lasalle... zzZZZ And I like the library here, mostly because of the range of dance DVDs, especially Chinese dance. Esplanade library is so outdated in the dance DVDs section. And there's a viewing room where we can view the videos. I think I could just spend the whole afternoon there without getting bored...

"ELIBIRD where are you, I feel like I'm like a kid at the childcare centre now. Come pick me up!"

Haha, the two sg APA girls are rehearsing for their graduation ceremony now. Yes! We all graduated! The Lasalle students and the APA students. But the Lasalle convocation is held sometime in September, by then somebody's hair is gone -_-" Sad...

Starting to feel that I am finally on holiday =) Can't wait to get back to Singapore too. But not so looking forward to Pulau Tekong... well still got a month to fully utilize. Peace!

匿名的好友

杜松混合茉莉的风
回忆里被爱那股激动
天色好红温柔好浓
在胸口浮现你的面容

一起活在这城市迷宫
提起你名字心还跳动
却没重逢只留下碰却又不敢碰的那种激动

也许我们当时年纪真的太小
从那懵懵懂懂 走进各自天空该怎麼说让彼此选择
但思念还转动

不能握的手 从此匿名的朋友
其实我的执著依然执著与你无关泪自行吸收
不能握的手 却比亲人更亲厚
当所有如果都没有如果
只有失去的温柔 最温柔

当又一次美梦落空
回忆裏被爱那股激动
天色好红温柔好浓
在胸口浮现你的面容
也许我们当时年纪真的太小
从那懵懵懂懂走进各自天空那是甚麼
让彼此选择 又不仅是尊重

不能握的手 从此匿名的朋友
其实我的执著依然执著与你无关泪自行吸收
不能握的手 却比亲人更亲厚
当所有如果都没有如果
只有失去的温柔 最温柔
不能握的手 从此匿名的朋友
其实我的执著 依然执著却决心和你不再联络
不能握的手却比爱人更长久
当所有如果都没有如果
只有失去的拥有 最永久

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Nice song... =)

Gender Bending in Peformance

Yes my friends, another video! Haha, just thought this is kind of interesting so I'll share it here. It's a performance by 李玉刚, a chinese opera performing artist. Like Mei Lan Fang(an older male artist), He is known for his portrayal of female roles. Yep, the singer and the voice in the video is all him. I don't know much about chinese opera and its aesthetics, but in 白毛女, he actually did the dance movements which is en pointe. Stunning, although all he did is bourees... Haha, an alternative career for him could be to join the Trocks. Ok here's the video... =)

Just for the fun of it, thought this might interest you too. Real chinese ballet! Haha...

Facing my Fears

I guess I sort of walked into a hole. And now I am picking myself back up slowly...

Well at least this is not the first time. I gotta deal with this more maturely. This is just something I have to learn to handle, to control. And not get lost in my self delusional hopelessness and helplessness.

Took Ryan's Lyrical Jazz class today. Awesome, maybe he will post the video of the routine on facebook soon :p The song is called Speaking a Dead Language by Joy Williams, a song for the disheartened. Haha...

And somewhere in all the talking
The meaning faded out
Oh, I wonder
When did it all stop making sense?
I don't understand
I remember we were so sure, so innocent
Oh, but that was then
Can we ever go back again?
Can we ever go back?

I felt another sensation of dancing, different from the over-dramatic Chinese dance, different from the technique-focused Ballet. It's just the feeling of immersing self with the music emotionally. It's one of those feeling where you are dancing for yourself because it feels great, and not dancing to impress. Ok gotta rememeber this liberated feeling and put it into my Chinese and Ballet dancing... Well sooner or later I gotta find some way to present a more matured way of dancing.

At this point, I realize that miserable me is blogging again. Just like old times huh... -_-" Feel like this is just the beginning. Wait til NS enlistment draws nearer. That will be the downest of the downs I reckon. PES C please give me PES C.

Confidence, Trust and Courage. Virtues that I don't possess... ...yet.

What ifs

Never thought I would feel like this again. It makes me feel alive, happy; at the same time I know that I am going to die sooner or later. Things change, and nothing is always the same, you, me, them, everyone. But some things are very hard to change, whether I want to or not. It's just of those days where it's those "it's just me" problems.

Ever felt helpless and depressed, that's kind of how I am feeling now. Please let this be just another phase, and I wish it would be gone soon if it isn't going to do me any good.

One thing I learn is to treasure what was and not mourn over what was not. Look forward and don't look back... Fearful of life, fearful of the future. I don't want to risk losing what I hold dear. I want to be normal again, before I do something stupid.

Okay looking forward to tomorrow, hopefully a day of pizza for lunch and a jazz class at night. Peace out.

Another vid...

Okay, I realized most of my posts recently are video uploads... Anyway, here's another one. Haha... I just couldn't resist sharing this =)

Yes, you have just witnessed it, Mr Balang does his thing again. Haha... Xinjiang ren doing Xinjiang dance. I find his showmanship really amazing. Very charming, the ladies out there will be drooling over him. But I think the plate as a prop is quite similar to the Balang drum. Although it is two different types of Uyghur dance, I think there's bound to be comparisons made. Anyway, his dancing is really nice to watch; while some "technicians" excel in wowing the audience with their stunts and tricks, Yu Mi Ti does it with a grin/smirk/smile. So unfair... =p

Hahaha... Enjoy =)

Haha, Rain is a really good dancer...

Omg, check out the costumes. Boxing gloves with black sleeves and leggings? This is either a nice stage costume or a walking disaster (or a dancing one :p) Haha, notice how all the dancers had shades. Usually only the superstars wear shades, backup dancers just dress badly so that they don't stand out.
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One of my all-time favourite Rain performance. The pole dance intro is nice too, exotic but not to the point of overdoing it and making it R21. Haha, I guess Rain is charismatic enough to pull it off. The random pelvic thrusts are hot, kind of have a "hard gay" moment there. Fuuuu!!!!! Hahaha...

Enjoy!

What Next?

Yes people! I have graduated... I repeat, I have graduated. Actually I'm just happy that I don't have anymore academic writings to worry about for now...

Other than that, it's rather... gloomy. I feel that my options are limited. No damn it, it's not even limited, I have none. Next stop: getting a shave and get shoved to some kind of training on some island.

Even if I am not ready, I wanna try things out, to audition, to continue to learn, to improve. I want to try and experience how it is like to work in this field, especially when I am young and can afford to fall and pick myself up.

But I am Singaporean. All I can hope for is to at least remain stagnant for two years and not deprove. NS screwed by life, screwed my plans, screwed my chances. Screwed.

Hillarious. This video has nothing to do with what I posted, except that punchline. Can't believe I'm laughing my a*s off over this British humour. A Woodlands thing maybe? Maybe Serangoon people find it funny too. Haha...

For one thing, humour, like dance is universal, but subjective.

Stepping Up...

Production week is crazy. Well not as crazy, but it's been many long day. We start later than usual, around the afternoon but we finish at night. Time really flies in the theatre; spacing/cue to cue/rehearsal, a quick dinner, and back to work. The next thing I know, it's already 10plus at night. Going for a quick supper can be troublesome, means more money spent on cab fare, and also not forgetting midnight charge! Haha, but okay lah, I do make it a point to catch last trains, and not end up at Jurong East.

I'm nervous. I'm scared. Somehow I convince myself that being prepared calms me down. Knowing what you're doing is a good way to enjoy the whole performance process. I practise a lot... Well mostly practise the chair solo. I hope I do justice to the original dancer and choreographer, adding a touch of ZuYou-ness, and also Tamminising it =p

I know what I am most afraid of is being judged. Judged by my friends, my teachers. I am always criticised, for this and that; the not pointing of the feet, the arch back, lack of portrayal, lack of personality, lack of expression... and the list goes on. I try not to think too much about it. What matters is the show, the performance, oh yea, be in the state of liminality. Haha, here's where performance theory comes back to haunt me =p

Alright wish me luck! I know it's too late but if you happen to read this and am interested to watch the performance, it's the graduation show by the LASALLE school of dance, a night of wonderful contemporary dance works. It's on April 30 and 1 May, 8pm at the LASALLE SIA Theatre. Oh, the school is just beside Sim Lim Square. Tickets at $10, and you can easily get it from me! =)

It's always summer here, always hot, but the theatre is just so cold... and empty.