I'm still here

Time check: 2.37am. Yep, middle of the night, the best time to think too much. I've been having these late nights recently, staying up at this unearthly hours and knocking out when it's almost morning. Well that usually happens during the holidays. Once school term starts, I'll be back to waking up early, and not sleeping so early.

Yep, christmas. Christmas time is here. Christmas time is over. Don't celebrate christmas, not in the western traditional fashion, but well I was expecting something special. What was I thinking? What, the magic season of the year? Like, what's this festive season all about, it's not even snowing here. Every time of this year, I kept hoping for something special and getting disappointed. Haha, right it is actually pretty much a normal day. A public holiday with people swarming in the streets and the malls everywhere. Haha...

Can't say I didn't have a good time. Spent the whole day with my family and grandma on christmas eve. We had lunch, tea and dinner. Think I gained like a few kilos that day. Just eating, eating and still eating. Pasta, pizza, frappe, cakes, ice-cream, Ko Ruo Pao, Fried noodles, steamed fish!

Skyped with Elibird that night, all the way from Hong Kong! So funny. Dumb woodlanderism. Sorry to my dog Nicole if I kept her up all night. The computer is in the living room and that happens to be where she sleeps. Seems like Elibird's having a great father-daughter-godparents bonding time. Haha... I'm just kidding. Glad she's doing fine.

Christmas was another half day with my family, cept my sis who's working. Lunch was great I tell ya, beats all the $200+ meal we had on the day before. Was at balestier rd, Bak Ku Teh and Bak Chor Mee! Ok, I'm sounding like a hungry ghost here, but you get the picture. I dunno how celebrities get on these food hunting shows and comes up with different expressions and reactions to the food they eat. Like one for each dish. They must have a thesaurus with words related to nice and yummy. You know how many times they have to express their gratitude for tasting food, like 8 to 10 times per episode. That's like more than a 100 in a season! Haha, respect to them =p

Watched Bodyguards and Assassins with a few huaykuan peeps later that evening. It's a great film to catch. Might get disappointed by the small number of fight scenes by Donnie Yen, but he still kicks ass. Everyone gets their eyes peeled to the screen once he starts his kungfu thing. Oh, and Zhang XueYou made a cameo appearance at the beginning. An educated idealist, enlightening us on what is democracy, and made his dramatic exit by getting shot in the head, blood splashing out in all directions. I was like, "PG? Ohkay..." Great show. Totally worth the money and I can assure you it beats Feng Yun II by a mile.

I've wasted so much time this holiday. Can't say I haven't played but then again I didn't play much. First was the Coppelia production, just when it ends, there's opera rehearsals. I know it's in the evening, but knowing you have to be somewhere in the evening pretty much spoils your whole day. And I mostly end up rotting. Ok, holidays' ending soon.

It is a good thing coz I am thinking too much. Not in the academic way, but the foolish kinda way that can make you go nuts. I need to get a grip. No one's gonna be happy with a sad old bloke like I am now. I know it, they all know it. I hate how things turn out. I have so much regrets. What I should have done. What I shouldn't have. How it might have been. What would have happen. Why is it always like this. Why it happens over and over again. You see what I mean by thinking too much?

Alright, time to get ready for my last semester. From then on, it'll be a much tougher road ahead. I STILL DUNNO WHAT I WANT TO DO!

Let's rock 2010 baby! Make 'em proud. I hope each and everyone of ya out there a good time. Live life like never before. Have no regrets and just keep moving forward with a smile. Taking down each stupid 'plie' a day at a time.

Peace. Time check: 3.18am

Too Free?

Yes! Turns out there's no class or rehearsal on christmas eve and christmas. Isn't that just great. But damn it, two free days and now... I have no idea what to do. Hahaha.

Well anything still beats last christmas =p
Don't wanna think about it.

Check This Out!

This is some wicked dancing.
Awesome choreography.

Haha check out Ring Ding Dong too =)

SOS

This is a neverending conflict. This is a neverending problem.

Maybe it is simply just because it's the middle of the night and I should go sleep. There is this... hole inside of me that cannot be patched up. That empty feeling of agony or something. I dunno. I feel so down sometimes with such ease that it's stupid.
I need someone to be here.
I need someone to talk to sometimes.
I need someone to get me out of it.
I need someone to tell me that it's okay.
I need someone to get me going wherever I am going.
and I'm sounding like some messed up emotional person now.

Not again! Not now. Not ever.

Do you believe in second chances? Or even a third?

Better off alone...

11 in the Morning

Random post... I've been waking up late recently. Sleeping late too of course. Bad habit. Gotta adjust my biological clock back to normal. Don't sleep like a pig!

Gonna cut my hair. Whole head's gotten bushy again since the last time I chopped it off. Haha. I hope I don't wear out before the performance this weekend. Almost done! Better buck up this week =p

Franz where are you? Come out quick! Haha...

December... Christmas?

Decemeber's here! Yup, it is almost the end of the year, about 27 more days to go. Still not fully enjoying the holidays yet. I need to practise more for Coppelia. Been getting more and more lazy, someone motivate me! Haha, I dunno why, but I really find it difficult to get into the condition to practise male variations. Have you noticed that male variations are often full of jumps and turns ONLY? One minute and you'll be gasping for air or clinging to a wall. No stamina lah me =p Jogging maybe? Nah...

I went to visit some old places on Monday. Alone, "ZuYou's day out" -.- I spent the whole day by myself, walking around partially aimlessly, and went for rehearsals in the evening. And guess what, I found quite a few Swatch shops. The hook on the Swatch watch given to me on my 18th birthday is broken. I wanted to get it fixed but I didn't bring it out that day. Next time then...

I can't wait for the real real holidays to start, after dec 13. Then again, I need more time to get myself ready for the performance. I suck! I look really awful in ballet. No feet, no turn-out, no elevation, don even have the ballet look when I dance. Someone enlighten me! Kick that playful lazy thinking mind-set out of me! Not time to loosen up yet. On the other hand, I have no idea what to do after the production. No class? What else is there to do? PIZZA HUT!!! Eat til I grow fat.

Dreading christmas... No idea what to do. Yet.

So far...

Yes, I'm still alive. Made it this far, gotta keep going.

Exams over! Haha, could have done better for contemp, me and the Lv3s kinda screwed up the exam, all too nervous I guess. I scored better for ballet than contemporary -.-" The teacher must be too excited over my ballet exam attire, a white leotard and grey tights with suspenders. Hahaha...

Collab Grey Matter's over! Well I admit I did have a great time. It was our own production, with works by me and my classmates, plus Lulu's and Melissa's. I'm so grateful that Melissa danced the piece with me. And of course thank you An so much. What would I do without her, really like my mother already :p Thanks to all my mothers! Hahaha...

Genting's performance is over! I just reach Singapore on Monday. Although it was a short trip for me, but I really had a blast! Had a great time though I didn't play at Genting at all... except for the last morning when me and the guys were hanging out at the arcade for a while. Sunday was a full day of blocking, rehearsal, performance. The floor is sick! So rough and totally unsuitable for dance. My shoe died in rehearsal and I ended up with burned skin on my knees. Haha, but I'm glad coz I felt I did a good perf myself. I know I'm not good, but I enjoyed performing that night, I wasn't afraid of being judged and I was just doing what I like. Cried at the end of gay boy dance, coz I kinda felt touched halfway through the piece, when my 'mum' finally accepts me. It's been a long time since I dance like this with the Huay Kuan peeps. So long that I've forgotten what it's like to be a dance troupe, a Wu Tuan.
There is nothing like this elsewhere. Not at school. Not at Cheng.
Here we laugh together.
Here we play together.
Here we eat together.
Here we cry together.
Here we 'die' together.
Here we 'chiong' together.
Here we dance together. =)

Now I gotta focus on Coppelia. This is where technique is put to the test. Damn my not so capable body! I'm working on it! =p Need more muscles, strength and flexibility. "Don't dance like a piece of wood!", Franz jiayou! Hahaha...

___________________________________________________________

I'm just so mixed up lately. Some things are drifting further away from me. Some things are coming back into my life. Things change. Whether I want them to or not. Someday we all just gotta learn to live what we have. It's all about choices again isn't it. It is about what we choose. And things are just beyond our control, not choices for us to make.

I just wish.... ='/
___________________________________________________________

Still my all-time idol =p

Slow and Steady

Life isn't all that bad.

Just gotta keep going.

Jaded

I am so... tired.

There is so many things happening at the same time. I got Friday's performance, Ballet exam, Contemporary exam, Collaboration showing, Genting performance, Coppelia.

I know I complain a lot and things aren't so bad once it's over. But how am I going to pull through this. Right now it's just crazy. My mind and body is calling for a break! My mind can't focus and do my academic work. My mind can't remember all the examination combinations. My mind can't remember all the steps for Collab. Sorry yh and ll. And most sorry to myself, for being too busy and tired to give a damn about my own lousy piece.

And I really need to practise for those upcoming performances. No way I can perform in Genting with this level of lousy dancing. And seriously ballet is impossible for me. I can't even stand decently without arching my back. I cannot do pirouette or turns of any sort, coz I'm so stupidly retarded and stiff. I just can't turn out for crying out loud. I try and try, I stretch a lot, I do cool down. My body just isn't built for this kind of thing. You know how some people can come and just do everything.

There is a point where hardwork alone is just not enough. Now that I'm not even motivated to work hard, what else am I good for? I should just give up.

Sleep deprived -_- zzz

Better...

Performed Ba Lang just now. Not very well done but still not so bad :p I practised a lot at huay kuan in the afternoon. Was running it section by section, the fast beginning, the dancey middle, and the fast ending. It is a super tiring five minutes man, definitely not for the weak at heart. 5 minutes of ba langish dancing is as tiring as doing Flames of Paris or La Fille Mal Gardee. Really comparable.

Then I practised the whole item again and again. Thanks Shi Hui jie jie for helping me to turn the music on and off. Literally sweat through my shirt and pants. I should never dance with props. Especially when you have to throw them. You never know when things go wrong. The slightest mistake or error can spoil the trick. Oh my, to me throwing the drum is one of the hardest things to do other than the dancing itself. Every run I did, I accidentally dropped the drum somewhere at some point. So I did many improvised versions of the dance. Interesting... and some are just plain dumb and funny.

Because I rehearsed many times, I'm aching and guess what... I cramped during the show! My whole right inner thigh was cramping the moment I squat. So all my squatting movements have awkward cans and jerks. Haha, luckily it's ming jian wu... can fake a bit =p Then there was this place where I did a spilt vertically. I was literally using that moment to stretch my muscles out. I never anticipated all this to happen. I know my drum might slip off and all... but cramping and stretching on stage? That's something new.

Ok lah, the stage is small and I had spacing problems. And I couldn't execute the movements perfectly because of the cramp, sloppy and clumsy movements. But I'm happy that I was focused and quite into the dance. That's the least that's good about today. I'll practise more.

Feeling better compared to this morning. I was a total wreck. Sometimes I feel so weak and useless that I need someone to be there. Someone to encourage and tell me everything's gonna be alright. But no... I gotta be stronger than this. I gotta be better than this.

Be strong.

I'm gonna go do my work now.

It's a quiet night. I hope everything's fine and good for you too :)

Suffocating.

Even after dans fest, things are still as hectic as ever. Everything. It's still too much for me to handle. School, assignments, rehearsals, performances. I really can't multi-task.

It's okay if I have time to do each at a time. But right now everything is just coming right at me. And all I end up doing is screaming at myself. I'm missing classes in school in the morning. I need time to do my work. Need time to seriously sit down, think and write, not just splatter words and paragraphs for the sake of meeting datelines. It's pointless getting back papers with big fat D on it.

Choreography takes time too. And I've been rushing and not thinking about what I'm doing properly. Don't even wanna talk about my collaboration with Music Tech students. Somehow I gotta find a way to see the dance together with electronic music. I'm not saying the music is bad, just that what I've made is not going well with the music composition at all.

I miss everything.

I miss dancing because it's fun.

I miss dancing because I want to.

I'm gonna do my work now.

So f*cked.

Up Against the World

Am in the Esplanade green room now. I still rememebered myself sitting here back in 2007 during Dans Fest then. This year's performance is called Tuesday's Child. Lasalle dancers are gonna rock this turtle shell down! Haha...

I just finished the second show. I felt I did good (finally!) for yesterday's rehearsal (yes, just the rehearsal =/ ). I'm giving it my all in Omar's piece, Up Against the Wall. I'm doing two emotional pieces this year. Felt like I was really immersed in the piece, but how I look visually in the performance is another question. At least I got to feel how it's like to be in performance and engaging in a simulation. Haha, performance theory is really getting into my head :p. Sadly, this only happened in the rehearsal.

The show yesterday night went okay for me too. But I was really concious and worried that I couldn't do everything properly. But overall, we did okay =)

The matinee show just now was okay too. Maybe we lack energy, but still rock it I hope. Gonna go prepare for the next show now. My last show with the school at the Esplanade. Gotta stay in the zone! I need to warm-up and up and up. Shyness be gone =p

Yup. All's good. =D

Perharps...

I've been thinking lately, and seeing different things lately. Things don't always go the way I want it to. Or rather I may not be able to do things I want to, no matter how much I want. Sometimes it just isn't meant to be. All I do is hope. Perharps I should be more open to changes?

What do you think?

Performance Theory kills

I've got to manage my time better. Just missed two technique classes today -_-" I hope Mr Cheng doesn't hammer me with his words again. Dang, If I had more interest in my work, I could have got things done faster and easier...

Melissa is right, I've got to talk and settle things properly soon, or it will affect my academics and I'll end up with lousy writings. But I don't know how and what to cut down. There's so many things to prepare for. Got p.o.p, genting, lee foundation.

I need a break. I felt like I've finally caught my breath today now that I have some "free time" for myself. I shouldn't be skipping classes for written assignments. Okay, and I shouldn't be here now too. Off to IF rehearsal now O.o" This is the most stressful dance ever man... You can tell from the dancers' faces.

I look like Thai meh? O_o?

Untitled

It is at times like this, in the middle of the night that I begin to think...

I am on the verge of breaking down.

What the hell am I doing here? Why am I doing all the things that I'm doing now? What is it that I want to do? I am so busy with everything, with commitments to Huay Kuan. To Cheng. To school. Three different places, three different dances.

Contemporary dance is still something unfamiliar to me. I feel uncomfortable with it I don't know why. Maybe it's because of its freedom of expression. I for one am quite introverted. I am afraid to show myself, to show what I am, or who I am. I can't dance to express which is really a failure as a dancer. I do not know how to dance contemporary in comtemporary's sense of beautiful raw expressiveness. I can't do contemporary dance.

Ballet is impossible. What with all its high standards of body capabilities and facilities. Just look at me. I don't have the ideal feet, the hips, the body, everything. My height is way below average. I am short. I can't even turn naturally for crying out loud. Ballet is for freaks. I can only dream of dancing ballet on a professional stage. I can't do Ballet.

Chinese dance is what I've been doing the longest and what I hold closest to. But that doesn't mean I'm any better at it. To be honest, I don't really know what Chinese dance truly looks like. I just learn what I learn from SHHK and I see videos of Chinese dances on the net. I am very limited in my knowledge and understanding of Chinese dance, be it classical or folk. I've always wanted to do Chinese Dance and do it as my primary form of dance. But I guess it is not meant to be. I don't have the teachers to teach me what I want to learn. I am limited in what I can do and I don't have the talent and the edge to do it. Some people just have it in them. I don't learn or practise Chinese Dance in Lasalle. Even if I want to learn it properly elsewhere after, I'll still have to go through two years of NS first. By then, even if I were to study Chinese Dance, I'm way too old to dance it. Youth is an asset that would have long disappeared. I've always dreamed of performing on a big stage, I guess it's not be... I can't do Chinese Dance.

What the hell am I doing? Please...

Tell me what I'm doing is worth it.
Tell me what I'm doing is not a waste of time.
Tell me what I'm doing is within my reach.
Tell me what I'm doing is okay.
Tell me what I'm doing is useful and appropriate.
Tell me what I'm doing is not just a day dream.
Tell me what I'm doing is not childish.
Tell me what I'm doing is being appreciated.
Tell me what I'm doing is not foolish.
Tell me what I'm doing is within my reach.
Tell me you believe in me.

I found comfort in reading the birthday cards and letters my friends gave me. Words of encouragement and wishes. It always cheered me up a bit. I really appreciate all these and I keep them.

I've grown... distant. From the people I hold dearly to.

I should never have posted this.

Pissed

My life's in a mess. Too many commitments. I am so f*cked -_-"

I shouldn't swear. Shall edit this post soon.

I don't know if I can make it...

=(

Post Procrastination

Doing my work now. Finally! =P

Go check out Lizz Aggiss and Xavier Le Roy. Interesting urm.... dance practioners/ performers/ artists? Haha, they're unique beyond catergorisation :p

Back to work!

1.25

Yes it's late I know. I just showered and I'm sitting in front of the com now for no particularly good reason. I'm still gonna be going to school tomorrow. Gonna drag my lazy butt down... Hahaha.

Assignments are coming back to haunt me again. It's piling up very soon. Ok, gonna be quite a packed weekend for me. Thanks ar, dance culture essays, perf lab and collab journals. I'll be killing quite some brain cells doing these.

I went to watch a dance theatre piece with my lasalle classmates, a piece made by Xavier Le Roy. Amazing lah... basically what he did was pretend we the audience are the musicians in the orchestra pit and he is the conductor conducting us. I dozed off several times I admit but I was still pretty much awake for most of it. It isn't all that bad depending on what your perspective of a good dance is. He has a concept and something he wants to present. Call me old fashion, but I still can't appreciate works like this fully. But oh well, we all have to learn to be receptive. Don't ask me why I go to watch, we were all told to go watch.

I'm looking forward to watch Paloma Herrera and Shen Wei =)

Went to eat Thai Express with some of the remaining night owls who didn't mind staying out late after the show. Oh man, I really suck at handling spicy food. Even the green curry almost killed me. I lost count of how many cups of water I drank while eating. Don't get me wrong, the food is good. Reminds me of eating at Uncle Phoebe's cafe. Hahaha, "Uncle Phoebe"... -_-"

Yea, I got no idea why I'm blogging randomly at this hour. Thought it'll be nice to write what I did instead of the usual emo-self-bashing posts...

Alamak, I still can't figure out how to turn properly. Okay, this is important... I must not dance like a piece of wood. Too stiff! Relax the upper body and neck, which gives allowance for spotting. Don't think too much about alignment, leave that to muscle memory... just spin. I was like randomly whacking triples in the afternoon but now I gotta figure out how to land decently.

Ok next time I'm gonna take it easy in classes. No messing around, especially with a knee that needs a lot of sayang sayang =p

Zu You procrastinates too much. O_o"

And so it continues...

Alright, enough self bashing. I'm more or less feeling better now... mentally. Screw everything. So what if I feel that my life sucks. Many others are probably having it worse. I'm alright. I'm good I'm good...

I went to Hui Kuan thinking there was class today. So forgetful! They were performing at the temple opposite SHHK today. A dance to pay respects to Kong Zhi or something like that. I only realized that class was cancelled after I changed and it was like almost 1.30 but no one was around. Gahhhh.... Stupid stupid. Well anyway, I went down to the temple to watch them. I took pics! Oh yea, I'll post them on the web as soon as I figure out how. I know nuts about computer stuff -.-"

I bought dove shampoo! Haha, finally... =P

I shall work harder in my dancing now. Yea my knee isn't getting any better but that shouldn't be an excuse. I'll try to do more, as much as I can, but not anything foolish that would do harm. I hope I can jump properly soon! Woah, I never knew how much it sucks to be not able to jump. Trust me, you would go crazy without jumping for weeks. Haha... Feel so... grounded. Haha. No more 50% marking! Turn it up to 65! Or a 80! Yup... Nothing can get me down as long as I stay positive. Wish me luck!

One word. CHIONG.

Peace.

Still Injured

Oh man, I sat in front of the computer for almost half a day. Good thing is, I finished my work... =)

I watched the Moonfest performance on Friday. Good job everyone! Xing Peng Xing looks great, Ba Lang looks awesome, Bai Shou looks nice. I hope I get to perform with the Huay Kuan dancers the next time.

I feel so unwelcomed everywhere. It looks to me that everyone's got their own loved ones. My Family. Huay Kuan. Cheng. Why is it that I feel like an outsider that just happen to be around sometimes. Why is it I always feel so left out? Am I really just meant to be like this and nothing more? I hope it's just me thinking too much...

Stop treating me like this. I hate it. I hate myself for being me. But I can't change who I am.

I just have to try.

Nothing comes close to feeling like this...