The Last Holiday

Oh no, LASALLE term is starting next week. Three months of holiday went by just like this...

Am I ready for school?

Today's the last day I can spend mornings and afternoons at home. Things are gonna be pretty tight when school starts. Busy busy busy. Go hard or go home.

Wish me luck!

See I did spend some time having fun during the holidays :P
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I wanna watch G.I Joe and Up. =p

Do it right this time

I'm so messed up right now. Confused...

There are some things that I need to deal with myself. I dunno what I'm doing is right or wrong. But then again, there isn't a right or wrong. These things just come and they go and then they come again, from here and there.

It's just a feeling...

I may not be perfect, but I am still someone =(

Keep on Movin Ahead...

Just reached home not long ago. Went to watch Harry Potter 6 with Laoshi and some of the huay kuan girls. I didn't find the movie really interesting; maybe coz I read the book. Movie adaptions often disappoint the readers I find. Haha... but it's still a recommended movie I guess. Must be a high budget film, with all the elaborate sets and effects. Not to mention how many extras they cast as Hogwarts students :p Money money money... so much money :p

I've been thinking about what I want to do in the future, and I've been asked by many people too. Truth is, I don't have an answer... for them and for myself. What I want and what I'm able to do is two very different matters. Well, I can't guarantee I can reach where I wanna be with this path that I'm going down (no choice lah!)... But I suppose like always, we all have to make the best of what we have.

Chinese dance, Contemporary dance, Ballet, Jazz, Hip Hop... It's all dance. It doesn't matter what I end up doing most, as long as I like it and have no regrets. But reality's reality. There are limitations. And yea, I still got NS to complete. Thanks S'pore for taking that two years out of my life. Well a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do... Hahaha.

Ok, bottom line is, I'm just a sailor on a wooden boat with sails and two oars. I'm just gonna go where the wind takes me. And hope I can use the oars to keep me on track as much as possible. Okay, I realized I used this expression in one of the older posts before. I'm running out of ideas... Suggestions anyone? :p

Watching Ballet Under The Stars tomorrow. My first time! Haha, better not rain.

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I woke up today with this feeling
That better things are coming my way (way)
And if the sunshine has a meaning
Telling me not to let things get in my way

When the rainy days are dying
Gotta keep on, keep on trying
All the bees and birds are flying (ahh ahh ahh)
Never let go, gotta hold on in
Non-stop til the break of dawnin
Keep on movin dont stop rockin (ahh ahh ahh)

Get on up when youre down
Baby, take a good look around
I know its not much, but its okay
Keep on moving anyway

Feels like I should be screaming
Trying to get it through to my friends
Sometimes it feels that life has no meaning
But I know things will be alright in the end

When the rainy days are dying
Gotta keep on, keep on trying
All the bees and birds are flying (ahh ahh ahh)
Never let go, gotta hold on in
Non-stop til the break of dawnin
Keep on movin dont stop rockin (ahh ahh ahh)

Get on up when youre down
Baby, take a good look around
I know its not much, but its okay
Keep on moving anyway

When the rainy days are dying
Gotta keep on, keep on trying
All the bees and birds are flying (ahh ahh ahh)
Never let go, gotta hold on in
Non-stop til the break of dawnin
Keep on movin dont stop rockin (ahh ahh ahh)

Get on up when youre down
Baby, take a good look around
I know its not much, but its okay
Keep on moving anyway

Get on up when youre down
Baby, take a good look around
I know its not much, but its okay
Keep on moving anyway

When the rainy days are dying
Gotta keep on, keep on trying
All the bees and birds are flying (ahh ahh ahh)
Never let go, gotta hold on in
Non-stop til the break of dawnin
Keep on movin dont stop rockin (ahh ahh ahh)

Get on up when youre down
Baby, take a good look around
I know its not much, but its okay
Keep on moving anyway

Get on up when youre down
Baby, take a good look around
I know its not much, but its okay
Keep on moving anyway...

Half way through...

I know what's wrong with me...

Ever since I went through all that "emotional breakdowns", I think I sort of closed myself up. I dug my own hole and hid what's left of me inside. I told myself to do what I have to do... and I'm gonna do it... alone.

No regrets. No troubles. No distractions.

I guess in a way, the way I chose to try opening up did me no good. I realize, I still do care about everyone; my friends. I get distracted, I get troubled, I get irritated, I get confused, I get stressed, I get scared. I thought I could do everything myself, on my own. But now I feel like I need them more than they need me. I should be the one there for them, not the other way round.

I'm getting a mental barrier inside my head. I can't dance properly. I can't improve. I've lost my confidence and self-respect.

Dang, I really need to get a hold of myself soon. Sometimes enough is enough. I'm never ever gonna bring myself on that emotional roller coaster again.

This is turning out to be just a meaningless post about a boy complainging about his pathetic self =( This will be the end of it. Tomorrow will be a better day.

I am so dispensable.

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Is anybody listening?
Can they hear me when I call?
I`m shooting signals in the air
`Cause I need somebody`s help
I can`t make it on my own
So I`m giving up myself
Is anybody listening...listening?

I`ve been stranded here and I`m miles away
Making signals hoping they`d save me
I lock myself inside these walls
`Cause out there I`m always wrong
I don`t think I`m gonna make it
So while I`m sitting here on the eve of my defeat
I write this letter and hope it saves me

Is anybody listening?
Can they hear me when I call?
I`m shooting signals in the air
`Cause I need somebody`s help
I can`t make it on my own
So I`m giving up myself
Is anybody listening...listening?

I`m stuck in my own head and I`m oceans away
Would anybody notice if I chose to stay?
I`ll send an S.O.S. tonight
And wonder if I will survive
How in the hell did I get so far away this time?
So now I`m sitting here
And the time of my departure`s near
I say a prayer please, someone save me

Is anybody listening?
Can they hear me when I call?
I`m shooting signals in the air
`Cause I need somebody`s help
I can`t make it on my own
So I`m giving up myself
Is anybody listening...listening?


I`m lost here
I can`t make it on my own
I don`t wanna die alone
I`m so scared
Drowning now
Reaching out
Holding onto everything I love
Dying now
Crying out
Need some help

Is anybody listening?
Can they hear me when I call?
Shooting signals in the air
I need somebody`s help
I can`t make it on my own
I`m giving up myself
Is anybody listening?

This is the accoustic version of the song. Gives a more melancholic tone to it compared to the original rock version.
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I need help. At the same time I don't want help. Contradicting.

Empty.

I don't know...

I used to have this feeling before. Just feeling empty.

Just wish all this would come to pass soon. I hate feeling this way. Tomorrow will be a better day. Will be quite a tiring day I suppose.

Sigh... I'm troubled by nothing and yet I'm still troubled.
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Oh I'm so short -_-"

Before after

I'm a very inactive blogger.. =p

Recently we just finished the opera performance. Wow, it's been a long time since I've been involved. Being a calefare is really tough in a way. It's really uncomfortable to stand still holding a spear for like what, 15 to 20 minutes? I don't get how the leads can concentrate on their singing and acting with the tight head accesories binded to their heads. I can't even stand patiently with it tied to my head. Anyway, I really need to pick up a dialect, hokkien or teochew, if not I'll never ever be able to appreciate the chinese operas we're doing. The last day was a pretty long day. We moved all the sets, props and costumes back to LYS. No lorry ride this time though, it was packed to the top. At LYS, we kept almost everything back in its place. That's quite an achievement :p Haha, but we finished everything at 1am plus -.-zzz

Opera performance is over. Cheng's term break is over and the Chengs are back from quaratine. My life's back to normal again. I don't think I'm mentally and physically prepared for it yet. And school's starting soon too. I gotta get my engine running again man. Ain't taking a day off. Hahaha, but maybe I'll take half a day off for now. I need some quality time to socialise with the new PS3 at home :p My brother's buddies with it already.

Okay, that piece of machine is bad for me. Should stop playing it before I get hooked.

Looking back, I see that my life has changed a lot. The things I do everyday, the way I spend the day, the people I spend it with. Everything. Everything that once was, it all seems so long ago. I'm not saying I don't like this new change. It's just well, I feel that I am caught somewhere in between. Different environment, different lifestyle, different things, different people, different friends.

The people I meet from different places, there's a different side of Zu You they see. They all see me differently. But I'm still... me. Self image is really important. I really should be mindful of the way I bring myself. Haha... if not I'll always end up being that xiao Zu You. And you all condemn me.

Everyday I try to get myself back up, and climb out of this hole. Maybe, and probably, a few years down the road, things are gonna be drastically different.

I hope to see what I hope to see. The man in the mirror.

For now, I just gotta keep at it man! My unglamorous body is just so uncooperative. Gotta get that leg up. Gotta bend that back. Gotta jump higher. Gotta turn straight. Gotta soften. GOTTA RECOVER! =)

It's been a long time, or has it only been a while? Silly boy, it depends on how you measure long.

2 in the morning

Just being nonsensically random...

There are many things in dance that I do not understand. And much much more that I do not understand about the world. But what I understand is... I'm not working hard enough!

Haha, tiredness can really change how one thinks. Whatever...

Going to watch Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen tomorrow! =D

Time for some treats

Ok, I know this is random...

So many movies I wanna watch!
- Terminator Salvation
- Transformers Revenge of the Fallen
- Night at the Museum 2
- Monsters vs Aliens
- Dance Subaru
- Up

So many food I wanna eat
- Pizza Hut
- Pastamania
- NYDC
- Scissors curry rice
- KFC
- Cai peng
- Koi bubble tea

Get well soon Elibird! Then you can treat me all these =p Ahahaha...

Oh, went to take Ryan's Lyrical Jazz class at Oschool yesterday. Haha, it was so packed, as usaul. Had fun... Haven't taken jazz classes in a long time. Hiphop also. I hope my knee isn't wearing out any time soon. Feel so tired zzz... But I'll keep at it anyway, gotta work on my lousy technique. JIAYOU LAH!

Peace.

Back from the Trip

Yes, I'm back from the trip. Haha, it was a fun trip overall =p Was taking class most of the time in Beijing.

30/05/09

But still, we did managed to visit Forbidden City (Gu Gong). Woohoo! It was interesting but the the walking was a real killer. Haha, the place is so huge that fatigue makes the trip a dull one. But it was a nice place to visit nonetheless. Haha, I was like a tourist, with my camera in hand and snapping many shots of the architecture and whatever that was in sight. Just thinking about how they managed to build structures like these during that dynasty really amazes me.

06/06/09

I went to HongKong Disneyland! Elibird joined us too. Haha... It was a great day, haven't felt so happy and relaxed in a long time. I guess that's because I managed to put dancing out of my head that day. But we saw quite a number of dances in disneyland. Haha, we catched the High School Musical parade there. Elibird and I were standing under the hot sun (O.o)" They sang songs from HSM1 and HSM2 I think. So funny, it was an Asian Troy! "Lei Ho Ma?!" No Zac Efron, the spastic guy, as described by Laoma =p Hahaha...

We watched a 3D musical show too. We were all looking kinda silly with those 3D glasses on. The show really evoked all five of my senses. There was this part where Donald smashed a pumpkin and there was really a nice scent in the air, like blueberry. And when those enchanted broom servants splashed water, we really got wet. I wonder where the water came from. The lighting and 3D illusions was good. Haha, an unforgetable experience.

The water parade was.... like what Elibird described, literally cool. I'm glad my camera survived the water onslaught. Haha, I got shot directly in the face by a spray gun from one of the big floats. It was erm... refreshing -.-"

We caught a short musical "Golden Mickeys" too. It was great, though I think it could still be better. Haha, Mickey Minnie speaking cantonese! Now that's something new for me. Some of the other disney characters spoke cantonese too, but they switched back to English when they break down into their songs, haha. I found the rope acrobatics section by Tarzan and two other monkey-dressed performers most stunning. Tarzan's muscles were insanely toned and detailed. They were spinning really fast on the rope. AMAZING. Talk about abdominal control... Oh and I guess they could hold their lunch very well too. They didn't puke in front of the audience. Hahaha...

We watched fireworks at the end of the day at 8pm. Reminds me of NDP and New Year. What was nice was it was accompanied by disney music. Nice fireworks choreography. The fireworks operator has great musicality =p

It was a pretty long day. A memorable one for me =) I'll try to upload the pictures I took next time.

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Oh, and I hope Elibird gets into APA. It has quite a good environment I think.

It's not where you are that matters. It's who you are and what you do that defines you.

Summer Recital

Reverence 2009

I know it's kinda late to post this now. But better late than never. Haha, anyone who's interested to watch, just call 90921103 to reserve a ticket. Or just call me =p

The performance is a showcase of the students' classwork, and some ballet variations will be performed. Oh, in the second half of the show, a short excerpt of Paquita will be performed too.

Do come support!

Beijing!

I'm at Changi airport now. Going to China. Haha, but we'll be making stops at HongKong in between.

I don't think my phone works there, would have to buy a pre-paid card. Will be back on the 7th.

Hope it'll be a great trip. *No stress no stress. Wish me luck!

Peace y'all.

A step at a time

Every journey begins with a single step.

Yes I started mine a long time ago. I took it easy, walked with a stroll. It was fun and relaxing, I took in all the beautiful sights as I went. Once in a while, I took a break and stop, taking in a breath of fresh air or two. Yes, it was a good 4 years of secondary school life, although not all that perfect.

When the going gets tough, the tough gets going. After that, the steps in my journey got bigger, more effort put in in every pace. I was starting to see reality; the reality that time waits for no man. Slowly, my stroll becomes a fast walk down the road. Slowly, my fast walk becomes a jog.

But this jog of mine is quite different from most people. Because you see, each step I take, I'm trying to turn my foot out. I need to turn my foot out. I have to turn my foot out, no matter how seemingly impossible it seems. These are the steps I learn to take, the steps of a dancer.

I know and see people along this same journey; some familiar faces and most of them, complete strangers. The thing is, all I see are their backs, way further in the distance ahead of me. "What the? This is a race?" I thought.

What started out as a simple stroll down a park has become a race to me. Every now and then I question myself. What are the things that matter to me? Taking time to enjoy the beautiful sights, living life to the fullest? Or is winning all that really matters, being first to reach the finish line? Should I make a sprint for it? Well I'm not even sure I can finish this race.

I'm not a competitor. I never asked to be in this race. I just happen to walk my journey on the tracks.

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I found an inch of happiness at where it shouldn't be.

Why

I see how many people show the ugly side of them when they vent out their frustration in blogs, saying unpleasant things. I'm guilty of doing that a couple of times too, but I'll try to avoid doing that from now on...
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I feel so misunderstood. I can't believe Huikuan is always questioning me where my priority is. I thought that was something so obvious. What ever happened to trust? I'm so disappointed that they don't trust me, even though I've been there for almost seven years already.

You can criticize my dead face, emotion-less, no expression dancing. You can criticize my stiff dancing. You can criticize my lousy ballet technique. But please don't criticize my sense of priority of what or where is more important.

They really don't see the matured sensible responsible side of me. Even "emo" teenagers grow up a little too someday after thinking too much.

I'm heart broken. See what I mean about I feel like I belong no where?

I feel like I don't belong in my family. Now the place that feels like my second family don't see me as one.

Why?

You don't read me

Just posting random stuffs...

I finished my technique exams! Feel so relieved, but can't take a break now. The journey doesn't end here. I think I did quite okay, but could have been better. For ballet, I panicked as usual but got more comfortable after a few of the barre exercises. What I worried most was the La Fille Mal Gardee variation that I had to do at the end. Not my best performance, but I would put it in my top 5. Haha, "walk out... gold medal". =p I think only my classmates would know what that means. I didn't do as good for comtemporary exam, but overall still acceptable. Didn't screw up.... much. Was nervous and had shaky ankles, which didn't help one bit in turns. I can only hope to score more for my performance and progress in class throughout the semester.

Okay, so that's that. A little reflection about my technique exam.

Hmmm.... SYF. Yea, Riverside's modern dance GWH. Good job! Debbie's probably still bursting with joy now. Haha... Riverside chinese dance Gold. Well I guess most of them are disappointed, but a Gold's still a good result. It doesn't end here guys, still gotta keep at what you're doing. Anyway, actually 'O' Level's a lot more important. Haha. Glad First Toa Payoh got Gold too =) Dang, I didn't get to watch any of the dances this time round. Will try to grab hold of a DVD when it's out.

I know dance is a performing art. But one thing I realize about myself is that I hate to be judged.

Mild depression... In the midst of all that there is, in the midst of all that I care about, I've lost myself. I'm here, but I'm not anywhere. I'm alive yet I do not live to exist. What I'm trying to say is, I feel that I do not belong anywhere anymore. I look at the man in the mirror, and I do not know where he is standing.

The others have a life. Where is mine? If I look hard enough, I do have a life, however subtle it is. But no one cares about it. Who needs to anyway, I'm just... me. If only I spoke, if only you listened...

Not making anymore sense. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm me.

Going hard.

Ain't taking a day off. Oh yea!

Haha... a bit random. But once in a while, it's good to have something different from all the emo posts I usually have. =p

Lost in thoughts, lost in time

张韶涵- 真的

我努力的仰着脸孔
试着眼泪不往下流
别往下流

不安的感觉到什么
在我生活中不再相同
很不相同

想要说
却还沉默
伸出手
无法触碰

天空突然一片辽阔
原来你是真的已经离开我
在我不熟悉的世界过新的生活
闭上眼让泪水滑落
此刻你已真的永远离开我
在另外一个没有我的世界
自由的走

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男子汉流汗不流泪.
I know, but once in a while I just can't take it.
Give me some time, I'll be fine again in a bit.

Piled up

Got exams, essays and presentation next week. Wish me luck!

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I feel... sad.

In agony

I'm so useless.I wish there was some way I could help her.

Sick? or Sick of?

OMG, I'm down with stomach flu. Got no idea how I got it, but the doc says it didn't came from food poison. Been absent from school since mid-tuesday. Haha, I was already feeling unwell on the way to school tuesday morning, with cold sweat running through in the MRT.

Being rock headed, I even took Albert and Hsienfa laoshi's classes. But I backed out during the last few exercises of Albert's class, was on the verge of puking. Then for ballet, I was trying my best to look glamorous although my stomach was killing me. Haha, but I couldn't pull it through and kept messing up the exercises. Laoshi could tell I was not very focused. I felt bad and pissed at myself, I wanted to proof that I was "jian bang yin de", but I couldn't. I managed to finish the class, ending with that killer tiring male technique combination. Was panting and gasping for air by the end of it.

Ok, so I've been sleeping and resting at home for the past few days. Went to school on Thursday, we were going to perform at Meridian JC. I was doing fine that day, even went to school extra early to sweat it out, to test whether I could take it. But towards the late afternoon... dang, I was weak and half dead again. Even had to stand in the train all the way to woodlands. Went home and slept straight. zzz zzz

Woke up today friday morning and didn't go to school again. I really dunno what's wrong with my body. The sores are all gone but I still feel weak. Is it all in the head? Or am I really physically exhausted from the flu? Awwww... my stomach's acting weird now.

I'm afraid to go back to dance. I don't think I can perform my best in the condition I am now. I'm afraid to disappoint myself. I want to push myself, but I don't have the strength, don't have the courage, don't have the drive, don't have the heart.

I need to get myself back together as soon as possible. The rest of the world is not taking a day off, so why should I?

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小小的手掌厚厚的温暖
你总能平复我不安的夜晚

- TANK, 专属天使

Missing

Haven't blogged much recently. Hmmm.... Just gonna post some chinese phrases =p

没有承诺 却被你抓得更紧

This is a line from an old song.

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Hmmm....

付出真心　才会得到真心
却也可能伤得彻底　　
保持距离　就能保护自己　　
却也注定永远寂寞
　　
冷漠　有时候并不是无情　　
只是一种避免被伤害的工具

I read this from an e-mail I received. Maybe this is what is unknowingly happening to me.
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Dancing without a heart...
No movements can fill that empty space but you.