Perharps...

I've been thinking lately, and seeing different things lately. Things don't always go the way I want it to. Or rather I may not be able to do things I want to, no matter how much I want. Sometimes it just isn't meant to be. All I do is hope. Perharps I should be more open to changes?

What do you think?

Performance Theory kills

I've got to manage my time better. Just missed two technique classes today -_-" I hope Mr Cheng doesn't hammer me with his words again. Dang, If I had more interest in my work, I could have got things done faster and easier...

Melissa is right, I've got to talk and settle things properly soon, or it will affect my academics and I'll end up with lousy writings. But I don't know how and what to cut down. There's so many things to prepare for. Got p.o.p, genting, lee foundation.

I need a break. I felt like I've finally caught my breath today now that I have some "free time" for myself. I shouldn't be skipping classes for written assignments. Okay, and I shouldn't be here now too. Off to IF rehearsal now O.o" This is the most stressful dance ever man... You can tell from the dancers' faces.

I look like Thai meh? O_o?

Untitled

It is at times like this, in the middle of the night that I begin to think...

I am on the verge of breaking down.

What the hell am I doing here? Why am I doing all the things that I'm doing now? What is it that I want to do? I am so busy with everything, with commitments to Huay Kuan. To Cheng. To school. Three different places, three different dances.

Contemporary dance is still something unfamiliar to me. I feel uncomfortable with it I don't know why. Maybe it's because of its freedom of expression. I for one am quite introverted. I am afraid to show myself, to show what I am, or who I am. I can't dance to express which is really a failure as a dancer. I do not know how to dance contemporary in comtemporary's sense of beautiful raw expressiveness. I can't do contemporary dance.

Ballet is impossible. What with all its high standards of body capabilities and facilities. Just look at me. I don't have the ideal feet, the hips, the body, everything. My height is way below average. I am short. I can't even turn naturally for crying out loud. Ballet is for freaks. I can only dream of dancing ballet on a professional stage. I can't do Ballet.

Chinese dance is what I've been doing the longest and what I hold closest to. But that doesn't mean I'm any better at it. To be honest, I don't really know what Chinese dance truly looks like. I just learn what I learn from SHHK and I see videos of Chinese dances on the net. I am very limited in my knowledge and understanding of Chinese dance, be it classical or folk. I've always wanted to do Chinese Dance and do it as my primary form of dance. But I guess it is not meant to be. I don't have the teachers to teach me what I want to learn. I am limited in what I can do and I don't have the talent and the edge to do it. Some people just have it in them. I don't learn or practise Chinese Dance in Lasalle. Even if I want to learn it properly elsewhere after, I'll still have to go through two years of NS first. By then, even if I were to study Chinese Dance, I'm way too old to dance it. Youth is an asset that would have long disappeared. I've always dreamed of performing on a big stage, I guess it's not be... I can't do Chinese Dance.

What the hell am I doing? Please...

Tell me what I'm doing is worth it.
Tell me what I'm doing is not a waste of time.
Tell me what I'm doing is within my reach.
Tell me what I'm doing is okay.
Tell me what I'm doing is useful and appropriate.
Tell me what I'm doing is not just a day dream.
Tell me what I'm doing is not childish.
Tell me what I'm doing is being appreciated.
Tell me what I'm doing is not foolish.
Tell me what I'm doing is within my reach.
Tell me you believe in me.

I found comfort in reading the birthday cards and letters my friends gave me. Words of encouragement and wishes. It always cheered me up a bit. I really appreciate all these and I keep them.

I've grown... distant. From the people I hold dearly to.

I should never have posted this.

Pissed

My life's in a mess. Too many commitments. I am so f*cked -_-"

I shouldn't swear. Shall edit this post soon.

I don't know if I can make it...

=(

Post Procrastination

Doing my work now. Finally! =P

Go check out Lizz Aggiss and Xavier Le Roy. Interesting urm.... dance practioners/ performers/ artists? Haha, they're unique beyond catergorisation :p

Back to work!

1.25

Yes it's late I know. I just showered and I'm sitting in front of the com now for no particularly good reason. I'm still gonna be going to school tomorrow. Gonna drag my lazy butt down... Hahaha.

Assignments are coming back to haunt me again. It's piling up very soon. Ok, gonna be quite a packed weekend for me. Thanks ar, dance culture essays, perf lab and collab journals. I'll be killing quite some brain cells doing these.

I went to watch a dance theatre piece with my lasalle classmates, a piece made by Xavier Le Roy. Amazing lah... basically what he did was pretend we the audience are the musicians in the orchestra pit and he is the conductor conducting us. I dozed off several times I admit but I was still pretty much awake for most of it. It isn't all that bad depending on what your perspective of a good dance is. He has a concept and something he wants to present. Call me old fashion, but I still can't appreciate works like this fully. But oh well, we all have to learn to be receptive. Don't ask me why I go to watch, we were all told to go watch.

I'm looking forward to watch Paloma Herrera and Shen Wei =)

Went to eat Thai Express with some of the remaining night owls who didn't mind staying out late after the show. Oh man, I really suck at handling spicy food. Even the green curry almost killed me. I lost count of how many cups of water I drank while eating. Don't get me wrong, the food is good. Reminds me of eating at Uncle Phoebe's cafe. Hahaha, "Uncle Phoebe"... -_-"

Yea, I got no idea why I'm blogging randomly at this hour. Thought it'll be nice to write what I did instead of the usual emo-self-bashing posts...

Alamak, I still can't figure out how to turn properly. Okay, this is important... I must not dance like a piece of wood. Too stiff! Relax the upper body and neck, which gives allowance for spotting. Don't think too much about alignment, leave that to muscle memory... just spin. I was like randomly whacking triples in the afternoon but now I gotta figure out how to land decently.

Ok next time I'm gonna take it easy in classes. No messing around, especially with a knee that needs a lot of sayang sayang =p

Zu You procrastinates too much. O_o"

And so it continues...

Alright, enough self bashing. I'm more or less feeling better now... mentally. Screw everything. So what if I feel that my life sucks. Many others are probably having it worse. I'm alright. I'm good I'm good...

I went to Hui Kuan thinking there was class today. So forgetful! They were performing at the temple opposite SHHK today. A dance to pay respects to Kong Zhi or something like that. I only realized that class was cancelled after I changed and it was like almost 1.30 but no one was around. Gahhhh.... Stupid stupid. Well anyway, I went down to the temple to watch them. I took pics! Oh yea, I'll post them on the web as soon as I figure out how. I know nuts about computer stuff -.-"

I bought dove shampoo! Haha, finally... =P

I shall work harder in my dancing now. Yea my knee isn't getting any better but that shouldn't be an excuse. I'll try to do more, as much as I can, but not anything foolish that would do harm. I hope I can jump properly soon! Woah, I never knew how much it sucks to be not able to jump. Trust me, you would go crazy without jumping for weeks. Haha... Feel so... grounded. Haha. No more 50% marking! Turn it up to 65! Or a 80! Yup... Nothing can get me down as long as I stay positive. Wish me luck!

One word. CHIONG.

Peace.

Still Injured

Oh man, I sat in front of the computer for almost half a day. Good thing is, I finished my work... =)

I watched the Moonfest performance on Friday. Good job everyone! Xing Peng Xing looks great, Ba Lang looks awesome, Bai Shou looks nice. I hope I get to perform with the Huay Kuan dancers the next time.

I feel so unwelcomed everywhere. It looks to me that everyone's got their own loved ones. My Family. Huay Kuan. Cheng. Why is it that I feel like an outsider that just happen to be around sometimes. Why is it I always feel so left out? Am I really just meant to be like this and nothing more? I hope it's just me thinking too much...

Stop treating me like this. I hate it. I hate myself for being me. But I can't change who I am.

I just have to try.

Nothing comes close to feeling like this...

Down in

I'm miserable. And I have the tendency to bring misery to those around me, especially those close to me. I'm sorry I suck the joy out of everybody.

Wake me up when september ends.

Thought I saw you walking down the street
It was a mistake
It was all in my head
Thought I could make things better this time
It was not to be
It was my fault
Thought I was doing fine
It was an illusion
It was a fragile one

I'm sad. What's new.

Nuff Said.

What am I still doing here? Haha... =p

My Place

I guess everyone's having a hard time at something. I dunno, maybe I'm just not strong enough...

Haven't been myself lately. Too much down-ness. And what? Just because of a minor knee injury? That is so unbecoming. I got so screwed just because I had to hesitate about how I can or cannot move all the time. I can't really tell what's bad and what's alright for my knee. Technically sometimes even the slightest pressure on it causes pain. But that should be normal for one who constantly jumps here and there like a monkey and tries crazy stunts right? Okay, yes I know, take good care and rest, that's the best way for it to get better faster.

I don't know what to say or feel about all this that's happening. I dropped out of so many pieces. Yes I regret it but I know I'll regret more if I didn't and worsen the ligament strain, further creating all sorts of bad consequences. I wished I was able to do those pieces... for moonfest, for dans fest. But well, that's just wishful thinking. No point thinking about it now =)

Gotta get my life back together. Be responsible. Be matured. Be sensible. Be respectful. Be receptive. Be open-minded. Be prepared. Be patient. Be strong.

Arg... I won't talk about all that's happened. It won't change a thing. At the end of the day, it still beats the crap out of me.

If I must fall, I shall fall with grace. (grace has more then one meaning :p)

Emo Night

Don't talk to me. I'm fine. Just depressed over my knee. That's all.

Thanks.

Untitled

I screwed up.

I keep losing my temper.

I keep disappointing the people around me.

I'm sorry I'm weak and can't take the challenges life throws towards me.

I'm sorry I lost it again and again.

My knee got screwed up just after a few years of training. I'm not getting anywhere with my standard of dancing. I really should just give up now. The sooner the better. It's clearly true that I can never make it in this industry. Even those with the talent, the leverage, the money could hardly make it big. Who am I to think that what I'm doing is worth it? Just burning money and wasting time away... Their money, their time. No way I can repay them back.

I hope one day someone will scold and scream at me. Wake me up from all these childishness, and all these foolish dreaming. I'll stop my ingnorance now.

No matter how hard I try, I keep failing to outrun myself.

The Life!

ARG!!!! Work work work and more work. It just keeps coming and coming.

And my knee's gone worse. It hurts now on its own free will. I don't have to jump and land to feel it anymore. It hurts randomly. -.-" Better go see a doctor soon.

More HOMEWORK to be done! ARG!!!

I wish... nevermind.

Why do we fall?

Oh man, I hate myself for dreading homework. Just managed to complete two of my journals, and it's like 3 in the morning already. Gonna be walking zombie tomorrow morning. Things would be a whole lot easier if I was more passionate about my work. Gotta get used to the kind of work required. I really need to use my head more. Think farther! Think critically!

School today was bad for me. I don't know whether I'm sick or not. Part of me says I am and part of me feels I'm not. I can't differentiate between unwell and lazy. Or maybe I had a combination of both? But today I felt weak and tired from doing simple leaps and learning some choreography that wasn't physically demanding. I wonder how I'll do tomorrow in ballet class...

Should I even take the class? I don't want Mr Cheng to look down on me again. Then again, am I well enough? Hopefully I don't faint at the barre. Really wished I hadn't fallen sick. Everytime things like this happen, it's hard for me to get myself back up. And it keeps getting harder and harder...

But deep down I know, no matter how much I whine, no matter how much I complain, no matter how often I lose it... I'm still gonna try. I'll try again and again and again. As long as there is a reason to do so, I will keep trying. I can't back down now and proof 'them' right. I'm sorry if I always complain a lot to you, maybe it's coz I need that extra push from behind. Things will get better in time.

It just takes more time than I have and expected to get up. But I will try. Take things slowly one at a time. THINK POSITIVE!

Why do we fall? So that we can learn to pick ourselves up.

Yes it is a hard lesson but I'm learning... Gotta give each new day a smile and get on with it. Two and a half hours of sleep left. OMG... Gotta make it worth! Haha...

And...

I went to see doctor around noon just now. Apparently I should not dance for the next 5 days. That's like a week! I'll probably start moving again by wednesday if I am better. Arg.... See how lah.

Porridge has never tasted so good. It's just been a few days. But I'm starting to miss all that oily fried food =p Haha... Seaweed shaker fries! I wonder if they're still available...

I was reading through my performance theory readings, it's so hard to digest the info. It's some complicated stuff. But well, it's useful not just for dance, but to analyse things. "every action is a performance." Hmmm.... Yes yes, I'm the performer now by typing this senseless post, and you the reader are my audience :P This is viewed "as" a performance and is not "is" performance. What else... oh this is a transient performance coz it'll always be here, unless I delete this post or blogger closes down.

Why am I even blogging now? Ok I should go do other stuff rather than typing nonsense. Hahaha... SPEEDY RECOVERY! ---->

I Try

It's pointless to say I'm alright when I'm not. For some reason, I fell sick last thursday night, stomach flu I think. And it's been dragging on til now. My parents are gonna bring me to see doctor later. I'm glad...

I'm sick and depressed. Depressed? Yea, I can't figure out why... Is it because of this illness? Is it because of all the homework? Is it because of my not so busy, busy life? Or is it because I've lost some of the interest?

I need some time for myself, to recover, and to cool things off. I don't wanna be like this forever. If only I was a better person...

Before others can accept me, I must first accept myself for who I am. I must accept what I have, what I don't have; what I can do; what I cannot do.

Please don't give up on me yet.

Rhythms of the Night

Okay this is just totally random. I'm sitting alone outside in the living room in front of the com. And this is what I hear...

- The tumbler is making a low humming sound and there is also a tumbling sound with my dance shoes inside spinning round and round...
- I'm sitting near the window, and I can hear cars randomly driving past. With occasion loud piercing or draggy sounds of motorbikes.
- Sometimes I hear the sounds of lorries and diesel engines too.
- My sister just switched off the lights in her room. Click!
- The sound of me typing on the keyboard now.
________________________________________________

Haha... I got lots of school work to do. I better not break down now. Sure I'm starting to slack. But it's okay, everyone needs a rest every now and then. It's not good to busy oneself with many things and tire oneself out at the end of the day. And nothing's done properly. Alright, I ain't giving up just yet! Haha, when I finish all my academic assignments, I'm gonna keep on working those jumps and turns!

Oh, I practiced my aerial cartwheels today. Wasn't so successful, but I managed to do a few good ones :p But still, it could have been better.

There is a picture of me on Lian He Zao Pao! (01/09/09) Oh my! So cool! I bet nobody even knows who I am. Haha... I better do a good job for Moon Festival. Wish I had proper chinese folk dance training... Balang Balang Balang eh!

JIAYOU ELIBIRD!!! Can one lah! =p

Haha... I wonder how Hong Kong sounds like at night...

Rabbits don't dance.

Stillness inside me

Well I have nothing interesting to blog about. I feel my life's too tight. Been pretty occupied. With School and other stuff. I find that I don't have much time for myself.

But even if I do, I don't know what I wanna do.

Oh man, it's the "drifting aimlessly on the sea" feeling again. I don't know why I'm doing the things I'm doing. Just a hopeless feeling.

Haha, actually I still got work to do. I'm doing an essay on Filipino dance. About how a certain dance form should or should not evolve to remain relevent to its present culture. Alright, I'll do it tonight, when I get back from Huay Kuan.

Sigh... I wish I could spend more time at HuayKuan. Currently, my weekends keep getting interrupted by other commitments. I feel so bad not being able to make it for HuayKuan classes. Then again, things there have changed much...

On the other hand, I need some space to breathe. I wanna escape from all this. This life. I wish I am somewhere else. Maybe at the countryside, lying on the grassland, looking at clouds or something.

But I guess all these dreaming isn't gonna help much. Back to reality then... Go hard!
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I wish I could move and dance from inside. I just don't think I can open myself up to that kind of space. Sometimes I feel that I shouldn't do all this. Alright... enough self-beating.

One Year Older.

NO!!! I'm 19 already... In one more year I'll be 20, and then 21 in another. That's too fast! I want to enjoy my youth :P

I just turned 19 last thursday, 6th August. Haha, had a lovely surprise from my friends.

Thank you Rui Ling!
Thank you Elibird!
Thank you Rui Min!
Thank you Eng Kiat!
Thank you Menghooi!
Thank you EVERYONE!!!

Life isn't that bad.
It never is. With you guys around...

I am not a child now.
I can take care of myself
I mustn't let them down now
Mustn't let them see me cry
I'm fine
I'm fine
I'm to tired to listen
I'm too old to believe
All these childish stories
There is no such thing as faith
And trust
And pixie dust
I try
But its to hard to believe
I try
But I can't see what you see
I try
I try
I try
My whole world is changing
I don't know where to turn
I can't leave you baby
But I cant stay and watch the city burn
Watch it burn
'Cause I try
But its so hard to believe
I try
But I can't see where you see
I try
I try
I try and try
To understand
The distance in between
The love I feel
The things i fear
In every single dream
I can finally see it
Now I have to believe
All those precious stories
All the world is made of faith
And trust
And pixie dust
So I'll try
'Cause I finally believe
I'll try
'Cause I see where you see
I'll try
I'll try
I'll try
I'll try
To fly

_________________________________________

I may never be able to really fly up into the sky.
But dance is my pixie dust.
And the stage is my Neverland.
The day I stop dancing is the day I finally grow up.

Okay that just doesn't sound like me at all -.-zzz