Dear Nicole,

I hate that I didn't get to say goodbye. That I wasn't there. I'm so sorry.
You have been nothing less than brave and dauntless.
Thank you for teaching me unconditional love. 

You understood life the way no one did, living in such a humble way; plain simple, carefree and honest.

You will always be here in my heart.

And this too, shall pass
... maybe in a week
... in a year
... a few years
... maybe tomorrow.

“死并非生的对立面，死潜伏在我们的生之中 ” 

“Death exists,not as the opposite but as a part of life.” 

                                           - Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood

What you put me through, I guess you may never know. Leaving me bare with nothing more to give.

You're obviously not being honest but well, what can I do... 没关系吧。我不告诉自己要冷血一点，我會伤心死。I'll be patient and wait here, clueless. You may not know it, but sorry, I'm being hurt too

Has she ever spared a thought for me... I guess not.

It just doesn't seem right, waking up with this empty feeling. Like no matter what I do, it does not mean much. Whyyyyyyyyy...I don't know how to describe it; empty, hollow and, heavy. Maybe this is the place where there used to be something, or someone. Someone who is gone. Every time when I need you most, you bail out on me. From my side, that's how it feels.

改變自己，尋找自己.

If you don't like yourself, who would?

怎麼了？怎麼了？怎麼了？怎麼了？怎麼了？怎麼了？

就這樣 . 也沒怎樣

Slowly, in my own stupid way of pulling through and holding myself together, I try to feel more detached and indifferent to what this has come to. But I still have the same feelings for her, that I cannot just simply close and shut away. A rough road doesn't mean it's the end of the road.

Let's not forget the good days.

There is no "I"

What about... ... me?

我真的什麼都不是嗎

Mind the Gap。Never Forget。緣

The more time passes, the more I remember 

The air was fresh, and the song so sweet 

I saw a shorter version of this on the screen at the 捷運station while waiting for the train. This is a commercial for Kingston USB products, but this full version is such a beautifully done short film.

心下著雨。



提到感情的事，我媽媽常說到緣份這個字。兩人再一起相處最終真的是靠緣份嗎？她教我這兩個字，這簡單的道理我還是很難相信與理解。 難道，我和我一路來心愛的那個女生真的不夠緣分嗎？我不知道是不是緣分不夠，還是也許緣分來了幾次，但我沒有好好的保握。但我知道，這個緣分，我非常珍惜。我只希望，你不會放棄我。我也沒辦法，沒資格，也不應該強迫任何人。再難過，我也不想就這樣無意間放棄一個未完成的感情。

台

It's nice to live on the top floor on the hilltop overlooking the city. The nights alone on the rooftop, taking in the city lights, the distant stars. It's peaceful at night, tranquil (and very cold!). I want to feel that inside myself, stop all that vexed feelings running in circles.

I feel so hurt, at this low point. Enjoying the quiet nights eases the burdens. Words and feelings are as empty as they can get. But no matter what... 我不想哭。Not on these beautiful nights. No. no. no. no. no. no. no. no. no.

Think think think!

現實，幸福，害怕，未來，感情，夢想，悲傷，生活，勇氣，快樂

The choices that matter are always one of the toughest decisions to make.

Missing You 'Geuriwohaeyo'

2NE1新歌！她們又要辦演唱會了，台灣新加波都有去！還記得上一次和當兵朋友去看，站在搖滾區High爆了! 只是站在我前面的姐姐很高，又揮揮著紙牌，一直當到我，哈哈。

Upside Down

Self-less and Self-worth

"Re-orienting yourself based on the beliefs and standards of others rather than your emotional needs is always a one-way ticket to low self-esteem. What you’re telling your sub-conscious is that your ideas, values and beliefs are not as important as those of people around you, and so you sacrifice your identity and values in order to cash in on the validation from others. This is a losing strategy, as the satisfaction of external validation is temporary. Once it runs out, you always need more."

If this is correct, then maybe I am doing it all wrong...

你在煩惱什麼

沒有不會淡的疤 沒有不會好的傷 沒有不會停下來的絕望 你在憂鬱什麼啊

————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

世界是很大很美的，我不能困在自己小小的煩惱裡。愛自己，才能愛別人。不曉得她最近還好不好嗎？

Harboring Thoughts

"我" 把我灌醉
"我" 讓我流淚
"我" 把我灌醉
"我" 讓我心碎
"爱" 收不回...

Compelling Things Our 20s Are For Figuring Out

15 Compelling Things Our 20s Are For Figuring Out

Written by BRIANNA WIEST, Oct 18 2013

I think our 20s serve as both an unexpected healing ground and a great precipice for the delightfully unknown. You can spend a lifetime figuring these things out, and you should, but there is a very unique kind of medley of happenstance that happens when one finally reaches the point of feeling as though they are both free and bound, dictated and choosing, mourning and loving, honest and perpetually feigning their truth. These are the things we come out with on the other side of that.

1. Letting go of little things is important, but learning to let the big, unchanging truths sit next to us comfortably is even more so. We can spend all our time letting go of the pants and friendships that don’t fit anymore and our first lost love whose ache is continually dulling anyway and giving permission to anybody to dictate who we are, but none of it will ease the burden of what we’re really trying to get to. The little things can go, the big things need to be painted in the picture with us no matter how cracked and sad they may seem.

2. You never look bigger, better, stronger or wiser when you incessantly need to be right. You look like a big person when you admit that you’re wrong even in the most humiliatingly trying of circumstances. You look big and true and honest when you apologize. When you say goodbye to someone you honestly know you won’t see again and when you tell someone you love them even if their response may indeed feel like it’s going to kill you. That’s the real work of it all. Those are the heroes of our generation. Those who know what it means to be radically honest, because accepting that in ourselves opens every door to accept it in others.

3. You cannot save anybody but yourself.

4. Loving someone is not what people struggle to let go of. It’s the expectation that they have for what loving someone should mean.

5. The fact that largely, we do what we want to do at the end of the day. Few things stand in the way of sheer will power. It will all come back down to whether or not we really, truly, would-go-to-the-grave-recklessly-pursuing-this want something, because when it’s enough, nothing will be acceptable barter.

6. You can’t build something for the long term that you can’t stand in the short term.

7. People will tell you that because you choose differently than them– to be out about your sexuality, to be a writer, artist, piano player in a local dive bar, whatever it is– that they are only hesitant and concerned because you will have a “hard life.” The truth is that a hard life is not being true to yourself. People will use that feigned concern for your well-being as a way to avoid having to completely support you and love you even though you have chosen differently than them.

8. Life demands shit. Life has to kick the mother loving crap out of you before you’re removed enough from the mask of society to really start to live freely and happily. Life demands you give up your shit to get there. Give it when it calls.

9. We are always asking the same question, and it’s whether or not it’s okay to be who we are. The people who we bond in friendship with, the people we fall in love with, the people we find ourselves relentlessly attached to are the people who answer that question with a “hell yeah.”

10. You’ll always feel as though you’re too much of something and not enough of another. Stop measuring yourself with other people’s rulers. Consider how maybe they’re too much and not enough compared to you.

11. We have to dismiss logic more often than not and pay attention to the things that call us despite our hesitations. We have to pay more attention to when our hearts are irrationally pounding and all evidence points to the fact that this may be an incredibly rash and dumb decision because that is just the moment in which you have to make it anyway.

12. There are parts of you that you need to keep sacred and loved. Parts that need to be acknowledged and worshipped, and they’re often the parts that need the most healing. Stop burying them because you’re ashamed, and let them out in the light to be loved like they so desperately need.

13. There are a few things you can never let go of: the fact that the savage inside of you need not be repressed further, but nurtured and expressed healthfully, that nothing is permanent, especially you, that discomfort is a huge and unchanging part of life, that this is all just a ride and that love, truth, honesty and kindness are what’s most important.

14. Nothing is coming to save you. Let yourself sit with that for a second. It will feel like rock bottom. Stay there for as long as you damn well need to. Lay down at rock bottom and look up at everything that you fell from. When you’re ready to stand, you’ll climb your way out by your own volition, and there will be no other hands to let go of yours, and that’s what’s most important. Nothing is coming to save you. We eventually have to let go of the idea that there is.

15. When you unravel yourself far enough, you’ll realize that we all come down to the same thing. To evolve means to unroll. Difficult times don’t change us, they revert us farther back into our true selves. We can choose to embrace that with ease, or life will do it for us, and until we finally wave that white flag of acceptance, it will be a hell of an internal battle. It’s the first rule of anything and everything that matters– you have to learn to be okay with whatever comes and whatever goes, whatever is given and whatever is taken, and to realize that none of it, in any way, will ever determine you who you are. _________________________________________________________ I haven't fully understood everything written here yet. Some unsettling truths, and many points made sense.

任時光匆匆流去

我只在乎你
心甘情願 感染你的氣息
人生幾何能夠得到知己

Logged.

I'm writing again. Not as much as I used to. But is is helpful. It's almost like a Penisieve, taking the running thoughts out before they run wild in the head. A strain or two laid out in front of me, helps keep my mind straight, keeps me at ease with myself. Insecurities are sometimes overwhelming and consuming. Lesson of the day: Commitment with Dedication; with Detachment included.

Hey There

Splitted ends

We may be standing on different grounds, but look up, we share the same skies. The ground I am standing on is firm, but the sky... the sky is falling apart.

Thorns and splinters from spiltted ends. They cut you without meaning to. Can't really say I did or didn't see this coming. Doesn't matter, I'll make sure we pull through, together.

Far away

Do you believe in second chances? What if life took a wrong turn and never got back. Or what if everything was meant to go wrong and crooked, and somehow you carve and find your way back.

I'm coming home soon. I want to see her soon. It's worth much more than everything else.

票面无情

I seem like myself, it doesn't seem like myself. What kind of a person am I? What is the train of thought on my mind inside, and what is shown through my body outside? It's troubling to have questions unanswered. So many uncertainties. Uncertainty... uncertainty. Is that what drives people? Always working to the answer but never finding it.

不要把自己的幸福建柱在别人的痛苦中。

不能让别人的幸福建柱你的痛苦。

Just throwing some sayings around.

I don't like to put up with and put on all these facades. It's awkward and unnatural. I want my life back.

我要喝Teh!

最近晚上总是睡不着。一个人脑空白安静了时候，就开始想东想西。我明明是已关灯，埋在被窝里准备入睡眠中，全又没办法睡。以前当兵时就好，做保安的，我们早晚都一定会有人做工。睡不了时我常会找个brother聊聊天哈哈。现在在家里就只有我一个了。

大学我录取了！只需去办一些报名的手续就可以了吧。海外学生会麻烦一些 -_-" 当时想了一些就决定说走就走。听起来很简单。现在还一点年轻就赶快走吧。以后就没这机会了。人生活的只有那么一次，想做的就全心全意做。很期待，紧张也有一点儿害怕。正常的啦哈哈。

不是说我后悔，只是心里有放不下的心情。顺利的话，一去就要读个四年才毕业。熟悉的地方，熟悉的东西，偶尔会想念。 但人与人之间的感情，那就难放下了。家人，朋友，舞团，还有我心里最珍惜的女孩。走了，时间久了，身边的人也慢慢变了。将来会是这么样谁也不知道。我们都只能幻想，猜猜。但我相信，一定会是更好的！Oh yea! :) 常常听到这句 ＂人失去了，才懂得珍惜＂ 这几年来我体验过，可我还是在学着无后悔的珍惜。Gotta learn to enjoy life. Every breath every moment. I'm always looking forward to a destination and fail to look at the value of the journey. Often it is the tiniest bits of the slightest which entails us and make us who we are. Many small subtle moments in a day, a month, a year that adds up to life. "Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live."

Heads up high, helmets on, going in for a ride! (My Chinese couldn't keep up with my thoughts, hence the abrupt change of language -.-" I'm ashamed haha)

脑？？的

昨天上了一个来自台湾的现代舞课。还挺好玩的。虽然我是喜欢华族舞， 但我真希望能到台北去学一学，到一个不同的环境体验一些新的东西。

拥有是失去的开始。我想其实这句话和我无关。我没拥有，所以也没有什么失去。只是老实说，心里会觉得有一个很大的空区，没办法填满。有时深夜里想太多会伤心一点。别想太多吧，开心一点吧。

下一站

时间开始模糊了，我什么也没想太多。也许这是我选择脱离世界的一个办法吧。人活来就一定是要竞争的吗？看谁是最完美的，最成功的？

原本在这里是花了时间写了一大段，也想了许多。但是一不小心把全给delete了。真是气死我了！我看我不从打 -_-"

总之我不想给一个现实冷淡的世界弄得不开心。我身活的原则，我的个性，没有必要证明给谁看。我有着这样的想法，可能是因为我累了，也感到很失落。 我是好人，相信我。下一站，会是怎样我也不知道。

想到我之前刚写完的整个blog 不小心给delete 了，真的是笨死了！

Can't sleep 2

No matter how much we believe or don't believe this, I think the people around you changes and moulds the kind of person we are. Who you are, what you do, how you think. Throughout our life, we change and we grow. Life experiences, little, big or small changes us.

I feel myself turning into people I have come to hate.

And to some people, I am probably just a passer-by, a stranger, a coincidence.

最后痛苦的只是我. I've lost almost all my self-worth. What more does my self inflicted pain and hate want to take from me.

Can't sleep 1

I have many things to do. Sometimes I don't understand why I am doing what I do. But I cannot stop to think. At least for now. Just keep going. I'm afraid if I stop to think clearly I might just break down. Let this be a race towards 2013. Please just me let pull through the last few trying weeks of this dreadful year.

I feel better as I learn to take away the "I" and the "me" from my life.

boy

The day I grow up would be when I start considering what's best for myself. To take control and dictate my own life. I am struggling with myself.

Confidence is a personality that shines when reflected in the right way.

I don't have a very good feeling about it all.

Time: 0153am

我常常都说到却没做到，真失败。让自己失望，让别人失望。 Tonight I am just feeling blue. Feeling alone. Tonight I am not hopeful but tomorrow, another day ahead I gotta make it count. Tonight is almost over, let the day begin with an ease of heart and positivity in mind. 我真的想坚强一点，成熟一点，聪明一点，勇敢一点。将来才能照顾我心爱的人。不能放弃。

我。

坚强不待表我不难过。 心里的雨还是下着不停。 我真的很累了。

The Places We Should Have Gone

下雨的心情

也没什么好说的。心里下着雨，总有一天会停的吧。今天的我还是静静的站在旁边。闭上眼睛，叹一口气，然后微笑一下就算了吧。

晚\望

今晚和朋友聊了满多，有很多事情我得好好想。有些问题的答案不在手中就不要去想了。但事实在面前就要接受吧。至少要让自己看清一点，生活要有一个目标！不要再让身边的人担心或失望了。更不想让他们放弃我！很迟了，我脑子也不清醒了。明天更好的一天，加油吧朋友们。 (U.u)zzZZZ

我的不安

当我感到不安时，有谁能告诉我一切都会没事？我想有时也许自己的烦恼不要说出来会更好一些。大男人要学着坚强。即使不能也要摆一个坚强的样子。骗别人也好，骗自己也好。没事就好。=)

两小无猜

每一天像今天一样就好。就算只是朋友也好，把我当是好友也好。有她在身边的日子我很快乐。她眼睛总挂着的欢喜，我很喜欢。不能做男友不重要，我只希望永远能看到她的笑容。我想如果自己能学会不要带着什么要求可望，我也有办法开心一点。 这么多年来，喜欢一个人不容易，也不难。要难过还是快乐是自己的选择。白痴的我只会往坏的一面想。现在，我想学会开朗一点，多笑一点。自己心里真正的快乐，才可以带给别人幸福。 有时只是一两天不见面，或是几个小时，我就想她了。我，是疯了吗。还是一个败给情的傻瓜？连自己的心，我都无法了解。

Regrets

A girl asked me; 为什么男人总是做了事过后才后悔... I cannot say for sure how true that is. Or whether it applies to everyone... But as for myself.. 很多事我是没有做才后悔.

Stuck.

So close... Yet so far. If only things were much simpler... I don't know what to do. Feeling troubled. I should be happy. I must not be selfish. My mind is playing mind games with me tonight. And I am hungry. >_<"

Mid-year

29th June. 28th June. A month since ORD... Has been quite fulfilling I guess. Slowly adjusting back to the heavier load of dancing. Performing with SCGS was a blast. The girls really inspired me with their passion. I hope I can train myself back in time for the upcoming performance. And also, Need.to.get.a.job. Oh man...

Truth is, I don't want the July performance to end so quick. I really like her, and it hurts that I cannot be with her. I cannot be selfish.

Her happiness is more important than mine. Can I really learn to be this self-less? I must not be selfish.

Keep holding on. At times it's seen as wonderful, sometimes sweet. Tonight, it just seems foolish stubborn and pathetic. Somewhere out there, I'm probably just like a bad joke that they can laugh about.

不要再想了。去睡觉吧。。。

Bigger World

Tonight I really feel like a small fish in a vast ocean...

New Life same Person

我只能希望明天会更好。

Soon

Got about 15minutes left before I leave home for camp. I still got 7 months left. Okay, it's 7months 1day to be exact. It may sound fast, but I tell ya, counting it day by day is a different story. 7months is LONG. I can't wait for all these to be over. Then again, I'm scared. I don't know what I want to do next. I can't possibly go back and study straight. I've lost the drive somewhere along my NS life. Take a break and chill yea. What I learnt from what I observe from the other guys is you gotta have fun.

Can't wait for a holiday and to start a more exciting(but maybe not very productive) life. But hell... that's life. It goes on no matter what.

I need more money. I need a higher salary!

"You can count on me like 1 2 3, I'll be there..." Count on Me by Bruno Mars. It's on playing beside me now =) Can I count on you like 4 3 2?

In words

Heard the song "This I Promise You" on the radio today. It's an old song, from primary/secondary school days. I really like this song. There are countless love songs written by composers but I think this one is really sweet.

When I was younger, I guess I didn't think much of these songs or in general, overated romantic bullshits. Having felt what it's like to fall in love, you realize how a feeling for a special someone inspires one to sing a song, write a poem, paint a painting, make a sculpture... expressing love.

I still think about her, just saying.

She is like no other

There has been many times I felt like blogging here because I am upset, but thought better of it. So much negative thoughts. Negativity is like poison, don't get it out and very soon, it just eats you from the inside out. But I don't want to write about how sad I am. I don't think it even helps by talking it out here. Seems like I am having a conversation with myself here.

Those comforting lies are not working anymore. No more self derived illusioned constructed reason excuse explanation. I don't know what else to tell myself.

It is no surprise that what she does affects me. It is my problem, and I don't want her or anyone else to see it. There is something within me that I need to figure out on my own. There's a puzzle inside, a old dusty book, a creaking door hinge, a complicated knot that I need to untie. This knot... I cannot explain what it is; feelings, emotions, words, gestures; everything and anything that makes us human. All bottled up inside that I need to let loose.

And be myself. I don't want to be judged. Especially by myself. Maybe I need to find the freedom to love her again. At this point. I don't know what I am saying. I don't know what to make of this.

The easy way out of this mess would be I cannot even be her friend anymore. But all I know is, I would never want that. As trying as it is, I still want to be friends. I missed out on many chances, I don't want to lose this, this something precious this. I miss her you know.

A beautiful mess.

Plain. Simple. Honest.

很长的一天

这是开始，结束，或途中；我已分不清楚了。
不要害怕，加油。

Sometimes I just wish that it wasn't true. I just wish it didn't happen, that it wasn't real. I cannot keep lying to myself. What if one day I finally accepted everything into my head, then what? I'm not sure how long I can keep this up. Even sleep won't let me rest from reality. I have nightmares; what happens in truth, what I keep thinking about, they all occur in the dreams. Or at times it's those dreams that are "too good to be true", then I wake up and the truth strikes back into my mind and heart. It's all blurry now, what is real and what is not. I cannot even trust what I am feeling now, because unknowingly, I just might be lying to myself. It gets easier. Without this illusion, I really don't know how I am going to get by.

I stay true to the feelings in my heart and to who I care about. Call me naive, but I see a meaningless life if one does the opposite. There is a lot of ugliness in this world, more than enough to go about. And if you stray from the things that define what and who you are, you might just turn into one of them. Never let that happen. Never compromise. Never lose faith. Never say that it is meaningless.

I remember seeing this back then. And yes it's true, and still is. This is how I felt too.

Just click play

Just wanted to share this with friends who happen to pass by here. Was feeling kinda sad so I went browsing on youtube. Came across this video of a Disney medley by this talented singer. It's funny and nice at the same time.

Spineless

Haven't been active on this blog for a while. Life serving National Service ain't so exciting. Okay it is in a way, but nothing much is happening to my civilian life so yea, MIA for a while.

This pair of dancers is just so awesome I had to share it. Don't know who still visits this page but I'm sure you will not regret after seeing this. Peace!

Ain't we all in the same shit...

Nice. I just came across in randomly. She rapped and sang. Haha.

Good to be Home

Feels great to be at home at night. Selamat Hari Raya Haji. Three cheers for public holidays, it simply means "book out loh!" And the best thing is I only have to go back tomorrow morning, which explain why it feels great to be home at night.

I had my first full (half full actually, just the items before the intermission) rehearsal with the SHHK dancers. I'm only doing one balang, so it ain't so tired for me. Just 4.48mins of moving, then I can go shag out at the back. Now I get to feel like the audience watching everyone perform, instead of rushing and worrying about the ones I'm involved in. And I gotta say, all the dancers rock! We're not professionals, but it's good! Enjoyed watching the happy dances and the emotional "don't cry nanjing". And few days back I managed to catch them rehearsing White Snake. That was good too. Haha...

I'm glad I feel part of the group again today. It's a rather warm and familiar feeling. Really miss that, since I've been very not involved recently. I know everyone is rehearsing really hard everyday, and I admire their passions at what they do. Sometimes I wonder to myself, I see that they enjoy dance because of the company and the "let's chiong together" attitude. For me, sometimes I still feel it's a lonely thing. Like doing it for the sake of doing. In short, where has my passion gone? Maybe that is what is missing in my perf, I can't show it fully to the audience as I'm not even sure about myself. Confidence, courage, passion... Gotta be in there somewhere, or more like out there, just got to learn to obtain it.

Good luck to us all! Next week most of them are going to Genting. Gonna be so lonely. Haha... Right, better take the time to get things that needs to be done done. =)

Oh I finally watch "Michael Jackson: This Is It" this morning. King of Pop.... Love lives forever.

Thinking back

This is how it all began.

Update!

Sorry I've been out of touched with blogger for quite some time. Only get to use internet on friday nights and weekend nights. Just got home awhile ago, am in the living room. My bro is singing in his room! My sis probably sleeping already, and my parents... best lah, after still at Marina Sands Casino. My legs feel numb, hopefully it's just from too tired. Or maybe it's because I am sick still. What the, really want to recover soon, I am coughing way too much. My abs are flexing and cramping. How is that even possible, free exercise which I cannot stop even if I am tired. People who wants their abs muscles built, try getting an annoying non stop cough. But watch it, I heard excessive coughing and sneezing hurts your lower back, especially if you are in the wrong posture. Yep, I'm not lying, it's true.

If in future there is a device that can put my thoughts into words, that will be good. Getting lazier to blog sometimes. Or maybe I want to, but just never get around to sitting down and think how to start.

I miss long bus trips alone, listening to music or just thinking about stuff while staring out the window. Happen to have a chance to take a short bus 912 trip home just now, feels relaxed. Aircon is luxury man, once you experience living in my current bunk, which almost like a storeroom, very little ventilation but at least got two really old rust dirty fans. My buddy and I did try cleaning it, but it get dirty easily. Last bookout we got 60 pumpings, meaning 6 areas where dust is still found in the room. It's almost impossible to do so many push-ups properly... -_-" I don't know, maybe really fit men can really do that. Salute them haha...

My approach towards dance now is different from before I realize. No more goal achiecving and eager to improve asap attitude. It's more easy going now I think. But I am still almost as hardworking as before. But of course now I am a lot more slack, bo chup attittude. It's a good thing, in a way. Last thing I want now is to get stressed over dance, and risk losing passion for it or what. I thought I lost it sometimes, but everytime I get back into studio, or away from the studio for too long. I know lah, start to feel itchy.

I still find it difficult to live my days happy always. There's always things that keeps me troubled no doubt. It's the way I see things and accept things. I tend to think too much? Minor problems or problems that aren't even problems gets me down? I don't know. Sometimes I manage well sometimes I just really lose it. No matter what, it isn't important, just need to bring the logic into my face, think things through straight and over time, I should more or less realize that it's okay. If it's not, "suck thumb" lo. Haha, sometimes even better, I think I can kind of lie myself into thinking it's okay, simply changing my perspective of looking at the matter.

Haha, after that chunk of words on top of this, I guess I can tell I'm not that happy with my life yet. I don't like it that I always think I have to spend my life impressing people, including my own self. This gets me sad for no reasons always huh. Haha... WOW after so long I think I finally realize why the emo virus infected me. Maybe life can be better from now on if I stop restlessly thinking and getting bothered that I am in the minority human group known as the "weaker than average ones".

I remember I once told somebody "don't give up on me!".
Now I gotta tell myself "don't give up on me!" too.

Discouraged

A lot of things on my mind. Too fogged up and troubled to think straight. Can't even type a post properly.

Just not happy with my life as usual. Right, everybody's got a problem with their lives. I won't make my problem your problem. Just wish I was part of another's.

I don't know what to do or think anymore.
What is there to look forward to.
Oh ya, maybe I won't be able to perform anymore.
But it does not really matter to anyone doesn't it.
I'm ST(security trooper) or in this case, suck-thumb.

I know lah, I can only blame myself for thinking too much. Perharps I was better off before, leaving the whole matter alone thinking it was never right.

All these isn't right but it seems so right. Ever get this feeling? I am... lost.

Fall in love with dance

Need to sleep. I think tonight I can finally sleep better. Starting to have some peace within my mind. Or so I think... Will find out soon enough.

Lights out! 0145

Stronger

Laoma this one is for you. Sometimes some things might knock us down, sweep us off our feet. But we gotta find that balance back, stand firm and emerge stronger.

______________________________________________________

Sigh...
You don't know it it's not your fault I don't blame you I am screwing my own head up.
Jenny, it's killing me.

Hello

"Why do we fall. So that we can learn to pick ourselves up."

I've fallen uncountable times. But slowly I pick myself up again. Sometimes I get a little help from my friends. Sometimes I just do it myself. All in all, I'm still doing fine more or less.

My inconfidence is really giving me trouble sometimes. Dunno why I need so much emotional support. A big thanks a lot to all the people out there who have looked out for me. How does one build self-confidence. Haha... Start by accepting my pros and cons. Ya, I saw that somewhere before. Hopefully I start building confidence as I grow older. We all gotta be independent, especially for a guy.

I want to be different. I want to be free. I want to be better than who I am now. So that one day people will see me differently. I have fallen countless times, I'm getting back up again =)

_______________________________________________

Mind and Heart

The mind and the heart. One to think and one to feel. Sometimes I depend on thinking too much, and other times I stick to my feelings too much. I guess we gotta balance it out. Thinking too much and being practical can be a bad thing, so is always going with the way you feel, not considering and analysing situations.

Yea this is just something I thought about just now. I feel somewhat better now. Was talking to one of my section mates just now, from the bus to the ferry to that dreaded island. Being older(experienced) and all, I guess he's more sensible? Or maybe I'm just dumb and hard-headed. Haha, I think I really have too little guy friends, thanks to my dancing days in Lasalle. Can't find many guys in this department. So maybe I got no one to relate to or look up to. Come to think of it, it's funny how sometimes I'm clueless about things that they usually do together, or talk about. Football almost is like universal topic.

Ok I heard it's quite a pack schedule this week, including grenade throwing! >_< BETTER NOT screw this up. Seriously. Yep lights out soon. New day of the week tomorrow, starting with AGR (Ability Group Run). In other words it means "run together don't fall behind". Ok, time check: 2202.

Good luck to me, Mohawk Mohawk chiong sua all the way! Good luck to RS Chinese Dance and the three brilliant dancers in Cadence! And... happy holidays to you =)

Shoved.

I don't know why I'm blogging again. Maybe I realized the truth. The truth about just how alone I really am. No one cares.

I have... issues. Things that I don't know how to fix. Things that I cannot fix.

These few weeks, 7weeks or so to be more exact, is like a snowball rolling down to a emotional breakdown. Now it's almost coming all the way down, and I can't take it anymore. I can't fight it anymore. Facing the truth is never easy.

I am not strong. I cannot be that dependable, independent person that I think I should be. I cannot be that confident, easy going smart person that I wanna be. There's just nothing outstanding about me. Just one of those guys fated to fall behind and be forgotten.

I should not have gone into dance. It's against my personality to stand out, to be outspoken. It's contradicting how I enjoy this but feel uncomfortable and uneasy. There's always the fear of not being able to do it. Challenges come, and I stumble and draw back. That's me. Total loser calibre. Not just in dance. Maybe just about everything in life, I try I fail I try I give up. Things just don't seem to go right. I do things and already have the mindset that I can't halfway through.

Saying all this is pointless. No matter how beaten up I am inside, hurt and broken, I still have to put up a strong front. Show that it's not affecting me, that I cannot be broken. It's only human to feel weak at times, but we still stand up when we fall. Maybe by putting up a strong front, you'll start believing and convince yourself that you really are. Fight on... fight on, I just gotta pick my broken self up and go on.

-Another thing, even though a lot and nothing has happened, we have something and nothing, I am thankful coz you make me do things that I would never have done. Feel things that I would never have felt. We have so much and nothing. What we had together before, I can never forget.

I just wasted time writing these out. Ok booking in today. Yes, thank you so much NS for making my life so wonderful.

Adjustment

Long time no update. My first book out! Botak!

Haha, time to recuperate for a bit. Will update soon! =)

24

It's a Monday. It's Youth Day. Am I still considered youth? Turning 20 this year, so with a digit 2 in front, is it adult already? How come there is no Adult Day? Maybe there is nothing much to celebrate as an adult =/ Or maybe they have too many special days reserved for them already, like Labour Day, Father's Day, Mother's Day. But no wait that's for parents. Ok too bad... Maybe someone needs to come up with an Adult Day.

These two weeks has been... colourful. I am having fun almost every single day =) Gotta enjoy it while it last. Even all those 'bad', 'weird', or even 'Samantha Who inspired' dreams won't darken the day... Haha, but I think if I catch a horror movie, 'creative' nightmares will start pouring in. Ok anyway, good food, good experience, good company, all's good!

I've got to stop hoping for something that isn't going to happen. Sooner or later I have to accept that I will be doing National Service for 1year 10months. It's not that long, but I feel that it's long!!! If I could study further, I would have wanted to, continue on a dance degree like many of my classmates/friends. That would have been great...

Okay enough of the daydreaming... O_o" What's important is to think ahead to the future, after that 1year 10months, where things can be changed, starting from the present. I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO. Whatever it is, I want to do something that I would enjoy. THe idea of working in RuiQi dance academy or company sounds really cool, one can always dream right? Not gonna let 'the man' get me down. 'Dance Admin' can take a back seat for now... I'll rather be cooking or something, though I cannot cook.

Mr and Mrs Chong's wedding! The couple of the year.

Off to find breakfast... =)

Home sweet home

Mixed and confused feelings within me. Sleep is the best comfort. Hope those bad dreams do not come tonight...

=)

Bored...

Just being bored... I'm in Hong Kong now, in the computer room in HKAPA. Sitting in front of the comp, it makes me think of the times when I was sitting alone in front of the comp at Lasalle. The internet here is so much faster. Took me ages to load any webpage back in Lasalle... zzZZZ And I like the library here, mostly because of the range of dance DVDs, especially Chinese dance. Esplanade library is so outdated in the dance DVDs section. And there's a viewing room where we can view the videos. I think I could just spend the whole afternoon there without getting bored...

"ELIBIRD where are you, I feel like I'm like a kid at the childcare centre now. Come pick me up!"

Haha, the two sg APA girls are rehearsing for their graduation ceremony now. Yes! We all graduated! The Lasalle students and the APA students. But the Lasalle convocation is held sometime in September, by then somebody's hair is gone -_-" Sad...

Starting to feel that I am finally on holiday =) Can't wait to get back to Singapore too. But not so looking forward to Pulau Tekong... well still got a month to fully utilize. Peace!

匿名的好友

杜松混合茉莉的风
回忆里被爱那股激动
天色好红温柔好浓
在胸口浮现你的面容

一起活在这城市迷宫
提起你名字心还跳动
却没重逢只留下碰却又不敢碰的那种激动

也许我们当时年纪真的太小
从那懵懵懂懂 走进各自天空该怎麼说让彼此选择
但思念还转动

不能握的手 从此匿名的朋友
其实我的执著依然执著与你无关泪自行吸收
不能握的手 却比亲人更亲厚
当所有如果都没有如果
只有失去的温柔 最温柔

当又一次美梦落空
回忆裏被爱那股激动
天色好红温柔好浓
在胸口浮现你的面容
也许我们当时年纪真的太小
从那懵懵懂懂走进各自天空那是甚麼
让彼此选择 又不仅是尊重

不能握的手 从此匿名的朋友
其实我的执著依然执著与你无关泪自行吸收
不能握的手 却比亲人更亲厚
当所有如果都没有如果
只有失去的温柔 最温柔
不能握的手 从此匿名的朋友
其实我的执著 依然执著却决心和你不再联络
不能握的手却比爱人更长久
当所有如果都没有如果
只有失去的拥有 最永久

______________________________________________

Nice song... =)

Gender Bending in Peformance

Yes my friends, another video! Haha, just thought this is kind of interesting so I'll share it here. It's a performance by 李玉刚, a chinese opera performing artist. Like Mei Lan Fang(an older male artist), He is known for his portrayal of female roles. Yep, the singer and the voice in the video is all him. I don't know much about chinese opera and its aesthetics, but in 白毛女, he actually did the dance movements which is en pointe. Stunning, although all he did is bourees... Haha, an alternative career for him could be to join the Trocks. Ok here's the video... =)

Just for the fun of it, thought this might interest you too. Real chinese ballet! Haha...

Facing my Fears

I guess I sort of walked into a hole. And now I am picking myself back up slowly...

Well at least this is not the first time. I gotta deal with this more maturely. This is just something I have to learn to handle, to control. And not get lost in my self delusional hopelessness and helplessness.

Took Ryan's Lyrical Jazz class today. Awesome, maybe he will post the video of the routine on facebook soon :p The song is called Speaking a Dead Language by Joy Williams, a song for the disheartened. Haha...

And somewhere in all the talking
The meaning faded out
Oh, I wonder
When did it all stop making sense?
I don't understand
I remember we were so sure, so innocent
Oh, but that was then
Can we ever go back again?
Can we ever go back?

I felt another sensation of dancing, different from the over-dramatic Chinese dance, different from the technique-focused Ballet. It's just the feeling of immersing self with the music emotionally. It's one of those feeling where you are dancing for yourself because it feels great, and not dancing to impress. Ok gotta rememeber this liberated feeling and put it into my Chinese and Ballet dancing... Well sooner or later I gotta find some way to present a more matured way of dancing.

At this point, I realize that miserable me is blogging again. Just like old times huh... -_-" Feel like this is just the beginning. Wait til NS enlistment draws nearer. That will be the downest of the downs I reckon. PES C please give me PES C.

Confidence, Trust and Courage. Virtues that I don't possess... ...yet.

What ifs

Never thought I would feel like this again. It makes me feel alive, happy; at the same time I know that I am going to die sooner or later. Things change, and nothing is always the same, you, me, them, everyone. But some things are very hard to change, whether I want to or not. It's just of those days where it's those "it's just me" problems.

Ever felt helpless and depressed, that's kind of how I am feeling now. Please let this be just another phase, and I wish it would be gone soon if it isn't going to do me any good.

One thing I learn is to treasure what was and not mourn over what was not. Look forward and don't look back... Fearful of life, fearful of the future. I don't want to risk losing what I hold dear. I want to be normal again, before I do something stupid.

Okay looking forward to tomorrow, hopefully a day of pizza for lunch and a jazz class at night. Peace out.

Another vid...

Okay, I realized most of my posts recently are video uploads... Anyway, here's another one. Haha... I just couldn't resist sharing this =)

Yes, you have just witnessed it, Mr Balang does his thing again. Haha... Xinjiang ren doing Xinjiang dance. I find his showmanship really amazing. Very charming, the ladies out there will be drooling over him. But I think the plate as a prop is quite similar to the Balang drum. Although it is two different types of Uyghur dance, I think there's bound to be comparisons made. Anyway, his dancing is really nice to watch; while some "technicians" excel in wowing the audience with their stunts and tricks, Yu Mi Ti does it with a grin/smirk/smile. So unfair... =p

Hahaha... Enjoy =)

Haha, Rain is a really good dancer...

Omg, check out the costumes. Boxing gloves with black sleeves and leggings? This is either a nice stage costume or a walking disaster (or a dancing one :p) Haha, notice how all the dancers had shades. Usually only the superstars wear shades, backup dancers just dress badly so that they don't stand out.
________________________________________________



One of my all-time favourite Rain performance. The pole dance intro is nice too, exotic but not to the point of overdoing it and making it R21. Haha, I guess Rain is charismatic enough to pull it off. The random pelvic thrusts are hot, kind of have a "hard gay" moment there. Fuuuu!!!!! Hahaha...

Enjoy!

What Next?

Yes people! I have graduated... I repeat, I have graduated. Actually I'm just happy that I don't have anymore academic writings to worry about for now...

Other than that, it's rather... gloomy. I feel that my options are limited. No damn it, it's not even limited, I have none. Next stop: getting a shave and get shoved to some kind of training on some island.

Even if I am not ready, I wanna try things out, to audition, to continue to learn, to improve. I want to try and experience how it is like to work in this field, especially when I am young and can afford to fall and pick myself up.

But I am Singaporean. All I can hope for is to at least remain stagnant for two years and not deprove. NS screwed by life, screwed my plans, screwed my chances. Screwed.

Hillarious. This video has nothing to do with what I posted, except that punchline. Can't believe I'm laughing my a*s off over this British humour. A Woodlands thing maybe? Maybe Serangoon people find it funny too. Haha...

For one thing, humour, like dance is universal, but subjective.

Stepping Up...

Production week is crazy. Well not as crazy, but it's been many long day. We start later than usual, around the afternoon but we finish at night. Time really flies in the theatre; spacing/cue to cue/rehearsal, a quick dinner, and back to work. The next thing I know, it's already 10plus at night. Going for a quick supper can be troublesome, means more money spent on cab fare, and also not forgetting midnight charge! Haha, but okay lah, I do make it a point to catch last trains, and not end up at Jurong East.

I'm nervous. I'm scared. Somehow I convince myself that being prepared calms me down. Knowing what you're doing is a good way to enjoy the whole performance process. I practise a lot... Well mostly practise the chair solo. I hope I do justice to the original dancer and choreographer, adding a touch of ZuYou-ness, and also Tamminising it =p

I know what I am most afraid of is being judged. Judged by my friends, my teachers. I am always criticised, for this and that; the not pointing of the feet, the arch back, lack of portrayal, lack of personality, lack of expression... and the list goes on. I try not to think too much about it. What matters is the show, the performance, oh yea, be in the state of liminality. Haha, here's where performance theory comes back to haunt me =p

Alright wish me luck! I know it's too late but if you happen to read this and am interested to watch the performance, it's the graduation show by the LASALLE school of dance, a night of wonderful contemporary dance works. It's on April 30 and 1 May, 8pm at the LASALLE SIA Theatre. Oh, the school is just beside Sim Lim Square. Tickets at $10, and you can easily get it from me! =)

It's always summer here, always hot, but the theatre is just so cold... and empty.

This.... is old.

IT's LOUD. You've been warned...

Mary belongs to the words of a song.
I try to be strong for her, try not to be wrong for her.
But she will not wait for me anymore, anymore.
Why did I say all those things before I was sure?

(She is the one), but I have a purpose,
(She is the one), and I have to fight this,
(she is the one), the villain I can't knock down.

I see your face with every punch I take,
and every bone I break, it's all for you.
And my worst pains are words I cannot say,
still I will always fight on for you.

Mary's alive in the bright New York sky,
the city lights shine for her, above them I cry for her.
Everything's small on the ground below, down below.
What if I fall, then where would I go, would she know?

(She is the one), all that I wanted,
(she is the one), and I will be haunted,
(she is the one), this gift is my curse for now.


I see your face with every punch I take,
and every bone I break, it's all for you.
And my worst pains are words I cannot say.
Still I will always fight on for you.

(Instrumental)

I see your face with every punch I take,
and every bone I break, it's all for you.
And my worst pains are words I cannot say.
Still I will always fight on for you.
Fight on for you...
Fight on for you...


Found this song "hiding' inside my PSP. It's a song from the soundtrack of Spider-Man 2. I know, it's so old already. I still remember Vindicated used to be the song on my blog :p Oh, I'm a big fan of the Web Slinger. Okay, maybe last time. Now I got no time for these childish indulgences -.-" Anyway, this song(especially the chorus) sounds like how I felt about some experiences I went through last time, which I hate to recall. Well not literally but... metaphorically :p Okay I guess nobody understands what I'm saying here.

___________________________________________________________
Now that I have no life, I can concentrate more on getting work done, to do what needs to be done, to dance what needs to be danced. I hate this life. Is this what I want? But I do like to busy myself with dance. That's all I know how to do. Other people got places here and there to go, to meet someone, have some appointment, got a gathering etc. All I go are studios. Haha... Nah, I'm quite sure I go out elsewhere sometimes too, just that I don't remember them. So far the only relaxing things I do are the occasional afternoons when I have time to hangout in the school library and the late nights when I am not working on some head-bangin 'ass'ignment.

Not Finished yet...

Came across this on the column of advice for dancers by Linda Hamilton...
Well I changed it a bit here but this are some of the things...

For better or worse, gifted people are often born with a rage to learn and perfect their work. In your case, this innate drive most likely helped you progress in dance. The downside is that it may also have taken over your life. Everyone, including a gifted dancer, requires friends, hobbies, and time off. Without these resources, you can develop a full-blown out case of burnout, which can take three months to recover from after you stop performing. Symptons include a temporary loss of technique, upper-respiratory infections, and an absence of joy, making you question why you even want to dance. Before you make a precipitous decision, please see a psychologist who can help. Many talented people burn out. The challenge is to find a balance between work and quality of life.

Is this happening to me? No I'm not gifted or talented -_-" . But maybe the above explains my so called self proclaimed "mild depression"; and why I hate and dread to go to some *ahem places. A case of mild burnout? But I am scared to stop sometimes, because I know I am not good and have a lot of things to work on. And I am afraid if I stop, I will never start again. I don't know.... Why can't work and quality of life be the same thing? Haha... That would be THE life lah, and ideally that would be what we all want. Happy 24/7...

What about you? I know everyone is stressed and have problems one way or the other. Hang it there! =)

Limited.

Please give me the strength to pull through this.

This period has proven how easily I break and shows the worse sides of me.

Let it all end and let me get back to how it is before. Or better.

I know times lost can never come back. And things in future will always be different, no matter how I try to keep the same, or assume it will the same.

I just want my life to get better. Not saying what I do is tough, lots of other people go through tough shit.

I just want to be better. Then maybe... I can go back and discover what it means to be happy and joyful.

I HATE IT NOW. But yea I understand, shit happens.

Almost there! =)

Almost...

I'm just saying this to boost self-morale... <(O_O)>

Graduating soon!
June 21 is coming!

Before that I got ASSIGNMENTS, Collaboration show and Fly With Me.
CAN ONE LAH!

Haha this is turning out to be pointless. It is getting late anyway.
See y'all...

Zzz...

Yep, am in the library again. The other LASALLE dancers left in Singapore are rehearsing their marathon run piece, which I am not involved. =p Haha... I think some of the foundation dancers should be joining them too.

Good luck to them, we were totally slaughtered this morning in Albert's class, but it's cool that he's in a good mood, so we just did multiple repetitions of all the routines. Is he joking with me, because the class started with him saying, "Lai, three groups, level 1, level 2, level 3." Haha... but it raised a whole new sense of awareness in me when I threw my body around the big studio, so barren and deserted.

Okay, I suppose this afternoon is homework time for me... >_<"

And in the evening, I become Cinderella Man, saving Cheng from dust and dirt.

"I like dancing towards an unreachable goal because it means that even when the curtain comes down, my journey isn't over." -Rashaun Mitchell, urm, a Cunningham dancer

Really?! He feels that way? Just something to think about... But I think it's bull :p There'll be many unnecessary stress and emotional complications with that line of thought. Okay different people can take different levels of stress. And also different people have different perspectives on reaching unreachable goals. Conclusion: It's subjective. Do what's best for yourself.

But I don't know what's best for me... yet.
See how lah... =p

Not Just Another Tuesday

Wish there were more days and nights like this. =)

Just another one of those

I thought my next post was gonna be about something nice or pleasant but.... well, next time maybe...

Am not doing so good. It's been like a month. There's just this feeling that I cannot explain. Nope it's not an emotional feeling. Just a feeling of being mixed up, or messed up, confused; well you get the idea.

Haha, at least I got quite a load of assignments done. Could have done better though.

Is homework messing with my head?

No that's not it. That's just an excuse I give myself...

I don't know what I want to do and I end up doing nothing. I'm not getting along with anything. I feel that my life's been put on hold. I'm not living a life fully. For some reason I just tell myself, what it is now is just temporary, it'll pass. But why am I thinking like this?! There is nothing temporary, this is my life, and this is the way it is. It's like I'm waiting for something to happen or something to pass. Am I not commiting to my life? Like how Melissa says I don't look like I am commiting myself to my movements?

Yes, my problem is I don't commit myself fully to my movements. But not commiting to my life, now that's a big problem. A problem of disastrous proportions... end of my world >_<

Haha, I can't believe I writing all these here. I thought I've learnt to keep things to myself for the better. If it doesn't do anything to say it, or it's pointless, then don't say, because the output will come in the form of complains. But I am blogging about what's eating at me now am I... I suppose subconciously, this is me calling for help. Reaching a point where it's gonna break me. An SOS... is anybody listening?

Oh, by now I thought I would have got used to their insensitive form of words. A bunch of insensitive talking older people that makes me hate them everytime although they are the ones close to me. I really think they should stop talking and thinking like this, it pisses people off. Or maybe it is just sensitive me.

Maybe my mum is right. I always say I feel that I don't belong and don't get along anywhere. But maybe it's because I never try to...
I am human, I am not perfect, but I try.
I am not happy with who I am, but I try.
Clearly I am misunderstood alot, but I try.
Things aren't always what it seems... I feel pain too, even sometimes when it seems alright.
I want to dig a hole and hide.
I don't wanna be judged.

All this will pass... in time. You see? That's my problem.

Sweet Charity at SIA

Went to watch Sweet Charity yesterday night... Alone. It was performed by the school's Musical Theatre Students and I could spot some Alumnis. I enjoyed the show, wonderful sets, nice music, great performance. It all looked so professional, and I could see that it was a big budget show. Luckily I bumped into Brian, thanks for giving me a ticket! Haha...


___________________________________________________

This one of my favourite scenes. It's a dance. =p

"The best and safest thing is to keep a balance in your life, acknowledge the great powers around us and in us. If you can do that, and live that way, you are really a wise man." - Euripides

"Only those who dare to fail greatly, can ever achieve greatly." - Robert F. Kennedy

___________________________________________________________

Gotta be strong... =)

Disappointment

Simple Plan- Perfect

Hey dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan
And do you think I'm wasting my time doing things I wanna do
But it hurts when you disapprove all along

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend that
I'm alright
And you can't change me

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care anymore

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard
Just to talk to you
But you don't understand

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
__________________________________________________________

Some things never change.

I'm sorry I can't be perfect.

Why the sad face?

Haha, back again in the library, really shouldn't be hanging around here too much. Gigi and An's in the library too, somewhere across me :p I should be in the studio doing more productive work. Today was just like any other day, depressing... But nah, nothing major or tragic happened. All's good.

I don't know... I'm just jaded. No I'm not good, I need to work harder. But I'm not seeing much results, they are not seeing much results too. Because I say that I try, but actually I should do more! Think people think! I got a feeling academic work is really really piling up. I haven't been touching them in a while. I feel the long late nights coming soon (please no procrastination! :p) .... Dance cultures in Asia fusion dance, Collaboration!

I got this big question right now... What's an introvert like me doing in dance? It's contradicting and it's... annoying.

Am I better off stuck in some office cubicle? Haha, no I don't have the brains for it.

All these random stuffs running round and round. That's what you call thinking too much about pointless things when there's so much work to be done. T_T

I'm tired... Tired of my not so tiring but tired schedule, tired of me being such a loser at home when usually I am a good person, tired of me having these two different sides, tired of the depressed me, tired of trying to act like someone I am not.

I am tired.

I need a rest. I want to be happier.

The Week so far...

The schedule of project week is crazy! (Well sometimes I feel) Even though there's no ballet and contemporary technique class in the morning, it still felt like a long day. We start at 10, which is not that early. The day is packed full with rehearsals one after another, of if we're lucky, there's short breaks in between. My brain's gonna explode from trying to remember so many movements. Ok ok, patience is the key. No point getting frustrated and lose it =) I hope I can get through to graduation fast. Just thinking about all the incomplete Collaboration, Dance Culture, FWM makes me stress.

Why am I so reluctant to go work on all these? That's my failing. But I can be "hardworking" at other things. Weird... -_-" It's all in the head. And my head is blank. Or it's on standby mode. One word. Lazy. zzz zzz zzz...

I've been having a hard time convincing myself to go school. I don't know why I'm doing this. But lately it's getting better. Maybe I don't like some of the stuff we do. But I think, maybe, knowing how to appreciate and enjoy some of the nicer little things is enough. Enough to help get me through the day. Haha, oh and now I realize how having something to look forward to helps :p YES, I AM GOING HOLIDAY!!! WAHAHAHA =p

Right now, I still feel like I am standing at the edge of the cliff, with chances of falling off. Somebody pull me back please... I need to find my place soon. Confused...

Back to rehearsal now. See ya!

Here There and Nowhere

Lasalle internet connection is slow! But it's better than nothing still. And we need to log in using our lasalle account now.

I ask myself why I'm doing all this. I don't know why. Is it because I like it? Maybe, but sometimes I cannot totally agree too. Just hoping I push through everything and graduate. Collaborations, research papers/ dances, FWM. What comes next I'll find out and and work out something along the way -_-" ... What a plan.

You know my what my problem is? I do think about things. I do plan things. I just don't do it. I don't make it happen.

How I wish life was different, and maybe I wouldn't be here right now.

There isn't much I can do sitting in this library is there? Haha... Off I go then.

I think there is still lao po bing rotting in my house =P

"Solution"

Solutions and Mixtures... AHAHAHAA.

Wow, this few days are exhausting. I barely slept 3 or 4hours these nights, consecutively. This is not an ideal lifestyle man I'm telling you.

Life's tiring. But it's good. All's good =)

Don't Lose Hope.

Follow Your Destiny Wherever It Leads You

There comes a time in your life where you realise
that if you stand still, life will pass you by.
There is a path before you now.
Walk it one step at a time.
Keep your head up, and cast your dreams to the stars.
You will find your new journey magnificent
and beyond your wildest imaginings.

-Vicki Silvers
_______________________________________________________

Just happen to come acorss this while packing my stuff.

Nothing

Change. I cannot adapt to change quickly and comfortably. Sometimes things change and I am still stuck in my own old world. Still thinking about what there was, not what it is. I cannot embrace the present fully and live happy with it.

Moving house soon! Still be living in Woodlands area, but more towards Marsiling ba. It'll be a different environment ba, kinda... it's still a quite neighbourhood, but even quieter without the random lorries and motocycles zooming past. The new house will be in the middle of a few blocks of houses, not right beside the road of Woodlands Drive 14.

I need time to think things out. Maybe... Coz right now I am in a "not so okay" kinda feeling. Hmmm... I have no idea how to put all these into words, will probably complicate confuse people if I try. I am just feeling very out of place. People around me, everywherer I am, I feel like a stranger. I think it's just me being sort of anti-social. But why? I am human too, a socialble creature. Arg...

Sometimes I think people don't take me seriously. I don't take things seriously enough myself maybe, and always think of giving up before I even fully commit to it. I hate myself for being such a loser sometimes. It's not just about dance, but me as a person and how I do things. =(

Gotta love what I am doing.
Gotta learn to take care of myself.
Gotta know what's important.
Gotta make the right choices.
Gotta catch 'em all. (-_-" this is not funny at all.)
Gotta make sure I don't repeat past mistakes.
Gotta know what's good and what's not.
Gotta forget and let go.
Gotta grow up.

I so look forward to the day things change. For the better.

Finding peace within

I have so many questions that I don't have the answers for.
You have so many questions that I don't have the answers for.

Is it because I never think about it? Is it that I really don't know? Or I don't wish to find out?

Took a journey down memory lane and all I am reminded of are mostly the bad things. But I know there were happy moments too. I wish some things didn't turn out the way it did.

Tonight's awfully quiet. I don't wanna think about all this. Not today.

I still remember that calmness I felt then. That everything's good, that things are gonna be okay...

新不了情

Hopelessly Devoted to You


_________________________________________________________

So old school, not my generation. But some things never change.

Old!

轨迹- 周杰伦

怎么隐藏我的悲伤
失去你的地方
你的发香散得匆忙
我已经跟不上
闭上眼睛还能看见
你离去的痕迹
在月光下一直找寻
那想念的身影
如果说分手是苦痛的起点
那在终点之前我愿意再爱一遍
想要对你说的不敢说的爱
会不会有人可以明白
我会发着呆然后忘记你
接着紧紧闭上眼
想着那一天会有人代替
让我不再想念你
我会发着呆然后微微笑
接着紧紧闭上眼
又想那一年你温柔的脸
在我忘记之前
________________________________________________
I know this song is old. I happen to come across it again when I was digging through my old burnt cds. And I was like... Hmmm... why so sad one =p Hahaha... Enjoy!

Late post

I should be sleeping now, but I thought I'll just update a bit. *Cough!

Having a very bad case of non-stop coughing. I feel like I am coughing my lungs out. Feel so out of breath and to make things worse, I sweat a lot from working the muscles to cough. Haha... This is a good way to train abs =p

The funny thing is I am fine the whole day, with just occasional burst of cough. But as night approaches, that's where the nightmare comes. I turn into this coughing monster, breathing in huge amount of air, and sometimes gets a choking sensation and releases multiple coughs. Okay, that's not funny, but seriously I think it's killing my lungs and throat. Even now I am coughing and sweating. It's best when I sleep, don't think I cough when I sleep. First thing I do when I wake up in the morning is breathe in the fresh air and go *cough! -_-" Man... I wish it gets better soon.

Is my body falling apart? *cough! And another thing is... my knee hurts today. More than usual. I have no idea why, I didn't do anything to aggravate it. I hope it gets better, or at least get to the normal injured state that it has always been in.

I am going to miss opera. I am going to miss all the rehearsals where we would meet up like almost every night. Okay that is just random. Maybe I'll write more on this soon, if there's time.

Haha... Had a wonderful lunch last Saturday. Pizza Hut and Starbucks. Best lah, and my wallet got a lot lighter after that.

PLEASE RECOVER SOON.

If the future depends on a choice between past and present, which one will I choose?

A Weekend

Was involved in the Lasalle Open House last friday and saturday. Strange that's it called open house now, coz usually we refer to it as C-Day. Maybe that didn't make sense to most people so they change to the more literal "Open House". Anyway, if you guys have been to Lasalle before you would have realized that the walls inside the school are painted by the students. Before the open house, the walls are all painted white again -_-" Gonna miss some of the paintings. So these few days, the arts students are painting new works on the walls. Saw quite a few jap-themed paintings. No more Joker Face painting. Haha...

Our dance faculty presnted three pieces, Loretta Livingstons's piece, Tammy's Bach solo, and Grace's hip-hop piece. I know the hip-hop piece is a high energy piece that drive the crowd, but I hope it doesn't give them the wrong assumption that hip-hop dance is one of our modules. Hmmm, I wonder how it'll be like if it is... Haha, can't imagine me popping and locking and doing contemp at the same time every morning.

I went to see the Fashion department's booth. They showed some designs by the students and there was also a projection on the wall that was playing one of their runway shows! I thought that was so cool! The F flexible space was transformed into a runway where the models enter from the door and did the catwalk. They had mostly angmoh models and some locals. I wonder where they got the models from. Sian, short person like me will never get to catwork down a high fashion runway show =/ Not that I care... =p Oh... and I saw this quote at the gallery:

"Perfection is regressive. It makes teenage girls aneroxic, academics neurotic, and artists act like a*sholes."

Watched Albert's "The Passing" on Saturday night. BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I DIDN'T FALL ASLEEP. I watched the whole piece. Kind of offends me how surprised the lasalle peeps were that I didn't doze off -.-" Hahaha... Well the piece is about death and how people perceive it to be. What can I say, the whole piece is.... deep. To be honest, I don't really understand what the whole thing is trying to say. Maybe that's why I was awake, trying very hard to understand and enlighten myself. The Frontier dancers are very good as always. Made used of speech too, in Mandarin of course.

The following weeks are gonna be busy. Oh! I may get a chance to do the Omar chair solo for FWM =) I hope I won't disappoint anyone. Okay, jiayou dance cultures. Jiayou performance theory. Jiayou FWM. Jiayou Coppelia maybe :p Franz better come back soon and improve on his horrible technique.

I don't know what mattters to me. What is important, what is not?

Haha... a random thought, PIZZA HUT!

Needs to sleep more

Realized I haven't been posting things here recently. Been quite tied up with stuff. Having the same problem again, too many commitments. Is two considered too many? Haha, I guess in a way it is coz there is only one of me! I can't be at two places at one time.

Even though I'm not doing any super heavy physical stuff, I feel so worn out. Lack of sleep, and lack of some free time for myself. Is it selfish of me to ask for some time to do things I wanna do? Haha...

Going back to school felt both relieving and depressing. Well at least I am doing something... But I feel so out of place, not just in school but in those two other places too.

Now I'm just kinda motivated and not motivated at the same time. Looking at my pathetic body, I wanna work hard to be better, I also wanna just give up. What's not to be is not to be. Unless advances in technology allow me to tweak parts of my body. I don't ask for much, just give me a more danceable body and mind =p

Life's just not the same anymore. It changed.

Will update again next time with something that more worth talking about... -_-"

First Post 2010!

Oh yea, this is my first post of 2010! And I am like 4 days late.

School hasn't started for me yet. Just gonna go back for rehearsal and a performance this week. The real school term starts next week, complete with all its brain-wrecking assignments and torturous classes. Let's hope I get to do something I like for Dance Cultures. I wanna write a paper on a Chinese Folk Dance, if I am allowed to. As for performance theory, let's just say I got a long way to go. Gotta read more and be more knowledgeble about ideals, theories and performative studies. All the why this and why thats. As for my dancing, well just gotta "Go Hard or Go Home". Haha...

End of my life as I know it. Well end of my holiday life to be exact. My mind is still not ready. The taste of freedom seems so far... Hahaha. It's not that I don't like to go there. I just wish I had time for myself; to think or to do what I want. But if I do, I may end up being a slacker. Oh well, can't have the best of both worlds.

Gonna do Ba Lang again this weekend. I need to have a practise before the rehearsal and the actual performance.

How long can I keep this up? Chasing these... dreams? Where's my plan B, I don't have one.