December... Christmas?

Decemeber's here! Yup, it is almost the end of the year, about 27 more days to go. Still not fully enjoying the holidays yet. I need to practise more for Coppelia. Been getting more and more lazy, someone motivate me! Haha, I dunno why, but I really find it difficult to get into the condition to practise male variations. Have you noticed that male variations are often full of jumps and turns ONLY? One minute and you'll be gasping for air or clinging to a wall. No stamina lah me =p Jogging maybe? Nah...

I went to visit some old places on Monday. Alone, "ZuYou's day out" -.- I spent the whole day by myself, walking around partially aimlessly, and went for rehearsals in the evening. And guess what, I found quite a few Swatch shops. The hook on the Swatch watch given to me on my 18th birthday is broken. I wanted to get it fixed but I didn't bring it out that day. Next time then...

I can't wait for the real real holidays to start, after dec 13. Then again, I need more time to get myself ready for the performance. I suck! I look really awful in ballet. No feet, no turn-out, no elevation, don even have the ballet look when I dance. Someone enlighten me! Kick that playful lazy thinking mind-set out of me! Not time to loosen up yet. On the other hand, I have no idea what to do after the production. No class? What else is there to do? PIZZA HUT!!! Eat til I grow fat.

Dreading christmas... No idea what to do. Yet.

So far...

Yes, I'm still alive. Made it this far, gotta keep going.

Exams over! Haha, could have done better for contemp, me and the Lv3s kinda screwed up the exam, all too nervous I guess. I scored better for ballet than contemporary -.-" The teacher must be too excited over my ballet exam attire, a white leotard and grey tights with suspenders. Hahaha...

Collab Grey Matter's over! Well I admit I did have a great time. It was our own production, with works by me and my classmates, plus Lulu's and Melissa's. I'm so grateful that Melissa danced the piece with me. And of course thank you An so much. What would I do without her, really like my mother already :p Thanks to all my mothers! Hahaha...

Genting's performance is over! I just reach Singapore on Monday. Although it was a short trip for me, but I really had a blast! Had a great time though I didn't play at Genting at all... except for the last morning when me and the guys were hanging out at the arcade for a while. Sunday was a full day of blocking, rehearsal, performance. The floor is sick! So rough and totally unsuitable for dance. My shoe died in rehearsal and I ended up with burned skin on my knees. Haha, but I'm glad coz I felt I did a good perf myself. I know I'm not good, but I enjoyed performing that night, I wasn't afraid of being judged and I was just doing what I like. Cried at the end of gay boy dance, coz I kinda felt touched halfway through the piece, when my 'mum' finally accepts me. It's been a long time since I dance like this with the Huay Kuan peeps. So long that I've forgotten what it's like to be a dance troupe, a Wu Tuan.
There is nothing like this elsewhere. Not at school. Not at Cheng.
Here we laugh together.
Here we play together.
Here we eat together.
Here we cry together.
Here we 'die' together.
Here we 'chiong' together.
Here we dance together. =)

Now I gotta focus on Coppelia. This is where technique is put to the test. Damn my not so capable body! I'm working on it! =p Need more muscles, strength and flexibility. "Don't dance like a piece of wood!", Franz jiayou! Hahaha...

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I'm just so mixed up lately. Some things are drifting further away from me. Some things are coming back into my life. Things change. Whether I want them to or not. Someday we all just gotta learn to live what we have. It's all about choices again isn't it. It is about what we choose. And things are just beyond our control, not choices for us to make.

I just wish.... ='/
___________________________________________________________

Still my all-time idol =p

Slow and Steady

Life isn't all that bad.

Just gotta keep going.

Jaded

I am so... tired.

There is so many things happening at the same time. I got Friday's performance, Ballet exam, Contemporary exam, Collaboration showing, Genting performance, Coppelia.

I know I complain a lot and things aren't so bad once it's over. But how am I going to pull through this. Right now it's just crazy. My mind and body is calling for a break! My mind can't focus and do my academic work. My mind can't remember all the examination combinations. My mind can't remember all the steps for Collab. Sorry yh and ll. And most sorry to myself, for being too busy and tired to give a damn about my own lousy piece.

And I really need to practise for those upcoming performances. No way I can perform in Genting with this level of lousy dancing. And seriously ballet is impossible for me. I can't even stand decently without arching my back. I cannot do pirouette or turns of any sort, coz I'm so stupidly retarded and stiff. I just can't turn out for crying out loud. I try and try, I stretch a lot, I do cool down. My body just isn't built for this kind of thing. You know how some people can come and just do everything.

There is a point where hardwork alone is just not enough. Now that I'm not even motivated to work hard, what else am I good for? I should just give up.

Sleep deprived -_- zzz

Better...

Performed Ba Lang just now. Not very well done but still not so bad :p I practised a lot at huay kuan in the afternoon. Was running it section by section, the fast beginning, the dancey middle, and the fast ending. It is a super tiring five minutes man, definitely not for the weak at heart. 5 minutes of ba langish dancing is as tiring as doing Flames of Paris or La Fille Mal Gardee. Really comparable.

Then I practised the whole item again and again. Thanks Shi Hui jie jie for helping me to turn the music on and off. Literally sweat through my shirt and pants. I should never dance with props. Especially when you have to throw them. You never know when things go wrong. The slightest mistake or error can spoil the trick. Oh my, to me throwing the drum is one of the hardest things to do other than the dancing itself. Every run I did, I accidentally dropped the drum somewhere at some point. So I did many improvised versions of the dance. Interesting... and some are just plain dumb and funny.

Because I rehearsed many times, I'm aching and guess what... I cramped during the show! My whole right inner thigh was cramping the moment I squat. So all my squatting movements have awkward cans and jerks. Haha, luckily it's ming jian wu... can fake a bit =p Then there was this place where I did a spilt vertically. I was literally using that moment to stretch my muscles out. I never anticipated all this to happen. I know my drum might slip off and all... but cramping and stretching on stage? That's something new.

Ok lah, the stage is small and I had spacing problems. And I couldn't execute the movements perfectly because of the cramp, sloppy and clumsy movements. But I'm happy that I was focused and quite into the dance. That's the least that's good about today. I'll practise more.

Feeling better compared to this morning. I was a total wreck. Sometimes I feel so weak and useless that I need someone to be there. Someone to encourage and tell me everything's gonna be alright. But no... I gotta be stronger than this. I gotta be better than this.

Be strong.

I'm gonna go do my work now.

It's a quiet night. I hope everything's fine and good for you too :)

Suffocating.

Even after dans fest, things are still as hectic as ever. Everything. It's still too much for me to handle. School, assignments, rehearsals, performances. I really can't multi-task.

It's okay if I have time to do each at a time. But right now everything is just coming right at me. And all I end up doing is screaming at myself. I'm missing classes in school in the morning. I need time to do my work. Need time to seriously sit down, think and write, not just splatter words and paragraphs for the sake of meeting datelines. It's pointless getting back papers with big fat D on it.

Choreography takes time too. And I've been rushing and not thinking about what I'm doing properly. Don't even wanna talk about my collaboration with Music Tech students. Somehow I gotta find a way to see the dance together with electronic music. I'm not saying the music is bad, just that what I've made is not going well with the music composition at all.

I miss everything.

I miss dancing because it's fun.

I miss dancing because I want to.

I'm gonna do my work now.

So f*cked.

Up Against the World

Am in the Esplanade green room now. I still rememebered myself sitting here back in 2007 during Dans Fest then. This year's performance is called Tuesday's Child. Lasalle dancers are gonna rock this turtle shell down! Haha...

I just finished the second show. I felt I did good (finally!) for yesterday's rehearsal (yes, just the rehearsal =/ ). I'm giving it my all in Omar's piece, Up Against the Wall. I'm doing two emotional pieces this year. Felt like I was really immersed in the piece, but how I look visually in the performance is another question. At least I got to feel how it's like to be in performance and engaging in a simulation. Haha, performance theory is really getting into my head :p. Sadly, this only happened in the rehearsal.

The show yesterday night went okay for me too. But I was really concious and worried that I couldn't do everything properly. But overall, we did okay =)

The matinee show just now was okay too. Maybe we lack energy, but still rock it I hope. Gonna go prepare for the next show now. My last show with the school at the Esplanade. Gotta stay in the zone! I need to warm-up and up and up. Shyness be gone =p

Yup. All's good. =D

Perharps...

I've been thinking lately, and seeing different things lately. Things don't always go the way I want it to. Or rather I may not be able to do things I want to, no matter how much I want. Sometimes it just isn't meant to be. All I do is hope. Perharps I should be more open to changes?

What do you think?

Performance Theory kills

I've got to manage my time better. Just missed two technique classes today -_-" I hope Mr Cheng doesn't hammer me with his words again. Dang, If I had more interest in my work, I could have got things done faster and easier...

Melissa is right, I've got to talk and settle things properly soon, or it will affect my academics and I'll end up with lousy writings. But I don't know how and what to cut down. There's so many things to prepare for. Got p.o.p, genting, lee foundation.

I need a break. I felt like I've finally caught my breath today now that I have some "free time" for myself. I shouldn't be skipping classes for written assignments. Okay, and I shouldn't be here now too. Off to IF rehearsal now O.o" This is the most stressful dance ever man... You can tell from the dancers' faces.

I look like Thai meh? O_o?

Untitled

It is at times like this, in the middle of the night that I begin to think...

I am on the verge of breaking down.

What the hell am I doing here? Why am I doing all the things that I'm doing now? What is it that I want to do? I am so busy with everything, with commitments to Huay Kuan. To Cheng. To school. Three different places, three different dances.

Contemporary dance is still something unfamiliar to me. I feel uncomfortable with it I don't know why. Maybe it's because of its freedom of expression. I for one am quite introverted. I am afraid to show myself, to show what I am, or who I am. I can't dance to express which is really a failure as a dancer. I do not know how to dance contemporary in comtemporary's sense of beautiful raw expressiveness. I can't do contemporary dance.

Ballet is impossible. What with all its high standards of body capabilities and facilities. Just look at me. I don't have the ideal feet, the hips, the body, everything. My height is way below average. I am short. I can't even turn naturally for crying out loud. Ballet is for freaks. I can only dream of dancing ballet on a professional stage. I can't do Ballet.

Chinese dance is what I've been doing the longest and what I hold closest to. But that doesn't mean I'm any better at it. To be honest, I don't really know what Chinese dance truly looks like. I just learn what I learn from SHHK and I see videos of Chinese dances on the net. I am very limited in my knowledge and understanding of Chinese dance, be it classical or folk. I've always wanted to do Chinese Dance and do it as my primary form of dance. But I guess it is not meant to be. I don't have the teachers to teach me what I want to learn. I am limited in what I can do and I don't have the talent and the edge to do it. Some people just have it in them. I don't learn or practise Chinese Dance in Lasalle. Even if I want to learn it properly elsewhere after, I'll still have to go through two years of NS first. By then, even if I were to study Chinese Dance, I'm way too old to dance it. Youth is an asset that would have long disappeared. I've always dreamed of performing on a big stage, I guess it's not be... I can't do Chinese Dance.

What the hell am I doing? Please...

Tell me what I'm doing is worth it.
Tell me what I'm doing is not a waste of time.
Tell me what I'm doing is within my reach.
Tell me what I'm doing is okay.
Tell me what I'm doing is useful and appropriate.
Tell me what I'm doing is not just a day dream.
Tell me what I'm doing is not childish.
Tell me what I'm doing is being appreciated.
Tell me what I'm doing is not foolish.
Tell me what I'm doing is within my reach.
Tell me you believe in me.

I found comfort in reading the birthday cards and letters my friends gave me. Words of encouragement and wishes. It always cheered me up a bit. I really appreciate all these and I keep them.

I've grown... distant. From the people I hold dearly to.

I should never have posted this.

Pissed

My life's in a mess. Too many commitments. I am so f*cked -_-"

I shouldn't swear. Shall edit this post soon.

I don't know if I can make it...

=(

Post Procrastination

Doing my work now. Finally! =P

Go check out Lizz Aggiss and Xavier Le Roy. Interesting urm.... dance practioners/ performers/ artists? Haha, they're unique beyond catergorisation :p

Back to work!

1.25

Yes it's late I know. I just showered and I'm sitting in front of the com now for no particularly good reason. I'm still gonna be going to school tomorrow. Gonna drag my lazy butt down... Hahaha.

Assignments are coming back to haunt me again. It's piling up very soon. Ok, gonna be quite a packed weekend for me. Thanks ar, dance culture essays, perf lab and collab journals. I'll be killing quite some brain cells doing these.

I went to watch a dance theatre piece with my lasalle classmates, a piece made by Xavier Le Roy. Amazing lah... basically what he did was pretend we the audience are the musicians in the orchestra pit and he is the conductor conducting us. I dozed off several times I admit but I was still pretty much awake for most of it. It isn't all that bad depending on what your perspective of a good dance is. He has a concept and something he wants to present. Call me old fashion, but I still can't appreciate works like this fully. But oh well, we all have to learn to be receptive. Don't ask me why I go to watch, we were all told to go watch.

I'm looking forward to watch Paloma Herrera and Shen Wei =)

Went to eat Thai Express with some of the remaining night owls who didn't mind staying out late after the show. Oh man, I really suck at handling spicy food. Even the green curry almost killed me. I lost count of how many cups of water I drank while eating. Don't get me wrong, the food is good. Reminds me of eating at Uncle Phoebe's cafe. Hahaha, "Uncle Phoebe"... -_-"

Yea, I got no idea why I'm blogging randomly at this hour. Thought it'll be nice to write what I did instead of the usual emo-self-bashing posts...

Alamak, I still can't figure out how to turn properly. Okay, this is important... I must not dance like a piece of wood. Too stiff! Relax the upper body and neck, which gives allowance for spotting. Don't think too much about alignment, leave that to muscle memory... just spin. I was like randomly whacking triples in the afternoon but now I gotta figure out how to land decently.

Ok next time I'm gonna take it easy in classes. No messing around, especially with a knee that needs a lot of sayang sayang =p

Zu You procrastinates too much. O_o"

And so it continues...

Alright, enough self bashing. I'm more or less feeling better now... mentally. Screw everything. So what if I feel that my life sucks. Many others are probably having it worse. I'm alright. I'm good I'm good...

I went to Hui Kuan thinking there was class today. So forgetful! They were performing at the temple opposite SHHK today. A dance to pay respects to Kong Zhi or something like that. I only realized that class was cancelled after I changed and it was like almost 1.30 but no one was around. Gahhhh.... Stupid stupid. Well anyway, I went down to the temple to watch them. I took pics! Oh yea, I'll post them on the web as soon as I figure out how. I know nuts about computer stuff -.-"

I bought dove shampoo! Haha, finally... =P

I shall work harder in my dancing now. Yea my knee isn't getting any better but that shouldn't be an excuse. I'll try to do more, as much as I can, but not anything foolish that would do harm. I hope I can jump properly soon! Woah, I never knew how much it sucks to be not able to jump. Trust me, you would go crazy without jumping for weeks. Haha... Feel so... grounded. Haha. No more 50% marking! Turn it up to 65! Or a 80! Yup... Nothing can get me down as long as I stay positive. Wish me luck!

One word. CHIONG.

Peace.

Still Injured

Oh man, I sat in front of the computer for almost half a day. Good thing is, I finished my work... =)

I watched the Moonfest performance on Friday. Good job everyone! Xing Peng Xing looks great, Ba Lang looks awesome, Bai Shou looks nice. I hope I get to perform with the Huay Kuan dancers the next time.

I feel so unwelcomed everywhere. It looks to me that everyone's got their own loved ones. My Family. Huay Kuan. Cheng. Why is it that I feel like an outsider that just happen to be around sometimes. Why is it I always feel so left out? Am I really just meant to be like this and nothing more? I hope it's just me thinking too much...

Stop treating me like this. I hate it. I hate myself for being me. But I can't change who I am.

I just have to try.

Nothing comes close to feeling like this...

Down in

I'm miserable. And I have the tendency to bring misery to those around me, especially those close to me. I'm sorry I suck the joy out of everybody.

Wake me up when september ends.

Thought I saw you walking down the street
It was a mistake
It was all in my head
Thought I could make things better this time
It was not to be
It was my fault
Thought I was doing fine
It was an illusion
It was a fragile one

I'm sad. What's new.

Nuff Said.

What am I still doing here? Haha... =p

My Place

I guess everyone's having a hard time at something. I dunno, maybe I'm just not strong enough...

Haven't been myself lately. Too much down-ness. And what? Just because of a minor knee injury? That is so unbecoming. I got so screwed just because I had to hesitate about how I can or cannot move all the time. I can't really tell what's bad and what's alright for my knee. Technically sometimes even the slightest pressure on it causes pain. But that should be normal for one who constantly jumps here and there like a monkey and tries crazy stunts right? Okay, yes I know, take good care and rest, that's the best way for it to get better faster.

I don't know what to say or feel about all this that's happening. I dropped out of so many pieces. Yes I regret it but I know I'll regret more if I didn't and worsen the ligament strain, further creating all sorts of bad consequences. I wished I was able to do those pieces... for moonfest, for dans fest. But well, that's just wishful thinking. No point thinking about it now =)

Gotta get my life back together. Be responsible. Be matured. Be sensible. Be respectful. Be receptive. Be open-minded. Be prepared. Be patient. Be strong.

Arg... I won't talk about all that's happened. It won't change a thing. At the end of the day, it still beats the crap out of me.

If I must fall, I shall fall with grace. (grace has more then one meaning :p)

Emo Night

Don't talk to me. I'm fine. Just depressed over my knee. That's all.

Thanks.

Untitled

I screwed up.

I keep losing my temper.

I keep disappointing the people around me.

I'm sorry I'm weak and can't take the challenges life throws towards me.

I'm sorry I lost it again and again.

My knee got screwed up just after a few years of training. I'm not getting anywhere with my standard of dancing. I really should just give up now. The sooner the better. It's clearly true that I can never make it in this industry. Even those with the talent, the leverage, the money could hardly make it big. Who am I to think that what I'm doing is worth it? Just burning money and wasting time away... Their money, their time. No way I can repay them back.

I hope one day someone will scold and scream at me. Wake me up from all these childishness, and all these foolish dreaming. I'll stop my ingnorance now.

No matter how hard I try, I keep failing to outrun myself.

The Life!

ARG!!!! Work work work and more work. It just keeps coming and coming.

And my knee's gone worse. It hurts now on its own free will. I don't have to jump and land to feel it anymore. It hurts randomly. -.-" Better go see a doctor soon.

More HOMEWORK to be done! ARG!!!

I wish... nevermind.

Why do we fall?

Oh man, I hate myself for dreading homework. Just managed to complete two of my journals, and it's like 3 in the morning already. Gonna be walking zombie tomorrow morning. Things would be a whole lot easier if I was more passionate about my work. Gotta get used to the kind of work required. I really need to use my head more. Think farther! Think critically!

School today was bad for me. I don't know whether I'm sick or not. Part of me says I am and part of me feels I'm not. I can't differentiate between unwell and lazy. Or maybe I had a combination of both? But today I felt weak and tired from doing simple leaps and learning some choreography that wasn't physically demanding. I wonder how I'll do tomorrow in ballet class...

Should I even take the class? I don't want Mr Cheng to look down on me again. Then again, am I well enough? Hopefully I don't faint at the barre. Really wished I hadn't fallen sick. Everytime things like this happen, it's hard for me to get myself back up. And it keeps getting harder and harder...

But deep down I know, no matter how much I whine, no matter how much I complain, no matter how often I lose it... I'm still gonna try. I'll try again and again and again. As long as there is a reason to do so, I will keep trying. I can't back down now and proof 'them' right. I'm sorry if I always complain a lot to you, maybe it's coz I need that extra push from behind. Things will get better in time.

It just takes more time than I have and expected to get up. But I will try. Take things slowly one at a time. THINK POSITIVE!

Why do we fall? So that we can learn to pick ourselves up.

Yes it is a hard lesson but I'm learning... Gotta give each new day a smile and get on with it. Two and a half hours of sleep left. OMG... Gotta make it worth! Haha...

And...

I went to see doctor around noon just now. Apparently I should not dance for the next 5 days. That's like a week! I'll probably start moving again by wednesday if I am better. Arg.... See how lah.

Porridge has never tasted so good. It's just been a few days. But I'm starting to miss all that oily fried food =p Haha... Seaweed shaker fries! I wonder if they're still available...

I was reading through my performance theory readings, it's so hard to digest the info. It's some complicated stuff. But well, it's useful not just for dance, but to analyse things. "every action is a performance." Hmmm.... Yes yes, I'm the performer now by typing this senseless post, and you the reader are my audience :P This is viewed "as" a performance and is not "is" performance. What else... oh this is a transient performance coz it'll always be here, unless I delete this post or blogger closes down.

Why am I even blogging now? Ok I should go do other stuff rather than typing nonsense. Hahaha... SPEEDY RECOVERY! ---->

I Try

It's pointless to say I'm alright when I'm not. For some reason, I fell sick last thursday night, stomach flu I think. And it's been dragging on til now. My parents are gonna bring me to see doctor later. I'm glad...

I'm sick and depressed. Depressed? Yea, I can't figure out why... Is it because of this illness? Is it because of all the homework? Is it because of my not so busy, busy life? Or is it because I've lost some of the interest?

I need some time for myself, to recover, and to cool things off. I don't wanna be like this forever. If only I was a better person...

Before others can accept me, I must first accept myself for who I am. I must accept what I have, what I don't have; what I can do; what I cannot do.

Please don't give up on me yet.

Rhythms of the Night

Okay this is just totally random. I'm sitting alone outside in the living room in front of the com. And this is what I hear...

- The tumbler is making a low humming sound and there is also a tumbling sound with my dance shoes inside spinning round and round...
- I'm sitting near the window, and I can hear cars randomly driving past. With occasion loud piercing or draggy sounds of motorbikes.
- Sometimes I hear the sounds of lorries and diesel engines too.
- My sister just switched off the lights in her room. Click!
- The sound of me typing on the keyboard now.
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Haha... I got lots of school work to do. I better not break down now. Sure I'm starting to slack. But it's okay, everyone needs a rest every now and then. It's not good to busy oneself with many things and tire oneself out at the end of the day. And nothing's done properly. Alright, I ain't giving up just yet! Haha, when I finish all my academic assignments, I'm gonna keep on working those jumps and turns!

Oh, I practiced my aerial cartwheels today. Wasn't so successful, but I managed to do a few good ones :p But still, it could have been better.

There is a picture of me on Lian He Zao Pao! (01/09/09) Oh my! So cool! I bet nobody even knows who I am. Haha... I better do a good job for Moon Festival. Wish I had proper chinese folk dance training... Balang Balang Balang eh!

JIAYOU ELIBIRD!!! Can one lah! =p

Haha... I wonder how Hong Kong sounds like at night...

Rabbits don't dance.

Stillness inside me

Well I have nothing interesting to blog about. I feel my life's too tight. Been pretty occupied. With School and other stuff. I find that I don't have much time for myself.

But even if I do, I don't know what I wanna do.

Oh man, it's the "drifting aimlessly on the sea" feeling again. I don't know why I'm doing the things I'm doing. Just a hopeless feeling.

Haha, actually I still got work to do. I'm doing an essay on Filipino dance. About how a certain dance form should or should not evolve to remain relevent to its present culture. Alright, I'll do it tonight, when I get back from Huay Kuan.

Sigh... I wish I could spend more time at HuayKuan. Currently, my weekends keep getting interrupted by other commitments. I feel so bad not being able to make it for HuayKuan classes. Then again, things there have changed much...

On the other hand, I need some space to breathe. I wanna escape from all this. This life. I wish I am somewhere else. Maybe at the countryside, lying on the grassland, looking at clouds or something.

But I guess all these dreaming isn't gonna help much. Back to reality then... Go hard!
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I wish I could move and dance from inside. I just don't think I can open myself up to that kind of space. Sometimes I feel that I shouldn't do all this. Alright... enough self-beating.

One Year Older.

NO!!! I'm 19 already... In one more year I'll be 20, and then 21 in another. That's too fast! I want to enjoy my youth :P

I just turned 19 last thursday, 6th August. Haha, had a lovely surprise from my friends.

Thank you Rui Ling!
Thank you Elibird!
Thank you Rui Min!
Thank you Eng Kiat!
Thank you Menghooi!
Thank you EVERYONE!!!

Life isn't that bad.
It never is. With you guys around...

I am not a child now.
I can take care of myself
I mustn't let them down now
Mustn't let them see me cry
I'm fine
I'm fine
I'm to tired to listen
I'm too old to believe
All these childish stories
There is no such thing as faith
And trust
And pixie dust
I try
But its to hard to believe
I try
But I can't see what you see
I try
I try
I try
My whole world is changing
I don't know where to turn
I can't leave you baby
But I cant stay and watch the city burn
Watch it burn
'Cause I try
But its so hard to believe
I try
But I can't see where you see
I try
I try
I try and try
To understand
The distance in between
The love I feel
The things i fear
In every single dream
I can finally see it
Now I have to believe
All those precious stories
All the world is made of faith
And trust
And pixie dust
So I'll try
'Cause I finally believe
I'll try
'Cause I see where you see
I'll try
I'll try
I'll try
I'll try
To fly

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I may never be able to really fly up into the sky.
But dance is my pixie dust.
And the stage is my Neverland.
The day I stop dancing is the day I finally grow up.

Okay that just doesn't sound like me at all -.-zzz

The Last Holiday

Oh no, LASALLE term is starting next week. Three months of holiday went by just like this...

Am I ready for school?

Today's the last day I can spend mornings and afternoons at home. Things are gonna be pretty tight when school starts. Busy busy busy. Go hard or go home.

Wish me luck!

See I did spend some time having fun during the holidays :P
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I wanna watch G.I Joe and Up. =p

Do it right this time

I'm so messed up right now. Confused...

There are some things that I need to deal with myself. I dunno what I'm doing is right or wrong. But then again, there isn't a right or wrong. These things just come and they go and then they come again, from here and there.

It's just a feeling...

I may not be perfect, but I am still someone =(

Keep on Movin Ahead...

Just reached home not long ago. Went to watch Harry Potter 6 with Laoshi and some of the huay kuan girls. I didn't find the movie really interesting; maybe coz I read the book. Movie adaptions often disappoint the readers I find. Haha... but it's still a recommended movie I guess. Must be a high budget film, with all the elaborate sets and effects. Not to mention how many extras they cast as Hogwarts students :p Money money money... so much money :p

I've been thinking about what I want to do in the future, and I've been asked by many people too. Truth is, I don't have an answer... for them and for myself. What I want and what I'm able to do is two very different matters. Well, I can't guarantee I can reach where I wanna be with this path that I'm going down (no choice lah!)... But I suppose like always, we all have to make the best of what we have.

Chinese dance, Contemporary dance, Ballet, Jazz, Hip Hop... It's all dance. It doesn't matter what I end up doing most, as long as I like it and have no regrets. But reality's reality. There are limitations. And yea, I still got NS to complete. Thanks S'pore for taking that two years out of my life. Well a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do... Hahaha.

Ok, bottom line is, I'm just a sailor on a wooden boat with sails and two oars. I'm just gonna go where the wind takes me. And hope I can use the oars to keep me on track as much as possible. Okay, I realized I used this expression in one of the older posts before. I'm running out of ideas... Suggestions anyone? :p

Watching Ballet Under The Stars tomorrow. My first time! Haha, better not rain.

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I woke up today with this feeling
That better things are coming my way (way)
And if the sunshine has a meaning
Telling me not to let things get in my way

When the rainy days are dying
Gotta keep on, keep on trying
All the bees and birds are flying (ahh ahh ahh)
Never let go, gotta hold on in
Non-stop til the break of dawnin
Keep on movin dont stop rockin (ahh ahh ahh)

Get on up when youre down
Baby, take a good look around
I know its not much, but its okay
Keep on moving anyway

Feels like I should be screaming
Trying to get it through to my friends
Sometimes it feels that life has no meaning
But I know things will be alright in the end

When the rainy days are dying
Gotta keep on, keep on trying
All the bees and birds are flying (ahh ahh ahh)
Never let go, gotta hold on in
Non-stop til the break of dawnin
Keep on movin dont stop rockin (ahh ahh ahh)

Get on up when youre down
Baby, take a good look around
I know its not much, but its okay
Keep on moving anyway

When the rainy days are dying
Gotta keep on, keep on trying
All the bees and birds are flying (ahh ahh ahh)
Never let go, gotta hold on in
Non-stop til the break of dawnin
Keep on movin dont stop rockin (ahh ahh ahh)

Get on up when youre down
Baby, take a good look around
I know its not much, but its okay
Keep on moving anyway

Get on up when youre down
Baby, take a good look around
I know its not much, but its okay
Keep on moving anyway

When the rainy days are dying
Gotta keep on, keep on trying
All the bees and birds are flying (ahh ahh ahh)
Never let go, gotta hold on in
Non-stop til the break of dawnin
Keep on movin dont stop rockin (ahh ahh ahh)

Get on up when youre down
Baby, take a good look around
I know its not much, but its okay
Keep on moving anyway

Get on up when youre down
Baby, take a good look around
I know its not much, but its okay
Keep on moving anyway...

Half way through...

I know what's wrong with me...

Ever since I went through all that "emotional breakdowns", I think I sort of closed myself up. I dug my own hole and hid what's left of me inside. I told myself to do what I have to do... and I'm gonna do it... alone.

No regrets. No troubles. No distractions.

I guess in a way, the way I chose to try opening up did me no good. I realize, I still do care about everyone; my friends. I get distracted, I get troubled, I get irritated, I get confused, I get stressed, I get scared. I thought I could do everything myself, on my own. But now I feel like I need them more than they need me. I should be the one there for them, not the other way round.

I'm getting a mental barrier inside my head. I can't dance properly. I can't improve. I've lost my confidence and self-respect.

Dang, I really need to get a hold of myself soon. Sometimes enough is enough. I'm never ever gonna bring myself on that emotional roller coaster again.

This is turning out to be just a meaningless post about a boy complainging about his pathetic self =( This will be the end of it. Tomorrow will be a better day.

I am so dispensable.

___________________________________________________

Is anybody listening?
Can they hear me when I call?
I`m shooting signals in the air
`Cause I need somebody`s help
I can`t make it on my own
So I`m giving up myself
Is anybody listening...listening?

I`ve been stranded here and I`m miles away
Making signals hoping they`d save me
I lock myself inside these walls
`Cause out there I`m always wrong
I don`t think I`m gonna make it
So while I`m sitting here on the eve of my defeat
I write this letter and hope it saves me

Is anybody listening?
Can they hear me when I call?
I`m shooting signals in the air
`Cause I need somebody`s help
I can`t make it on my own
So I`m giving up myself
Is anybody listening...listening?

I`m stuck in my own head and I`m oceans away
Would anybody notice if I chose to stay?
I`ll send an S.O.S. tonight
And wonder if I will survive
How in the hell did I get so far away this time?
So now I`m sitting here
And the time of my departure`s near
I say a prayer please, someone save me

Is anybody listening?
Can they hear me when I call?
I`m shooting signals in the air
`Cause I need somebody`s help
I can`t make it on my own
So I`m giving up myself
Is anybody listening...listening?


I`m lost here
I can`t make it on my own
I don`t wanna die alone
I`m so scared
Drowning now
Reaching out
Holding onto everything I love
Dying now
Crying out
Need some help

Is anybody listening?
Can they hear me when I call?
Shooting signals in the air
I need somebody`s help
I can`t make it on my own
I`m giving up myself
Is anybody listening?

This is the accoustic version of the song. Gives a more melancholic tone to it compared to the original rock version.
_____________________________________________________

I need help. At the same time I don't want help. Contradicting.

Empty.

I don't know...

I used to have this feeling before. Just feeling empty.

Just wish all this would come to pass soon. I hate feeling this way. Tomorrow will be a better day. Will be quite a tiring day I suppose.

Sigh... I'm troubled by nothing and yet I'm still troubled.
___________________________________________________________

Oh I'm so short -_-"

Before after

I'm a very inactive blogger.. =p

Recently we just finished the opera performance. Wow, it's been a long time since I've been involved. Being a calefare is really tough in a way. It's really uncomfortable to stand still holding a spear for like what, 15 to 20 minutes? I don't get how the leads can concentrate on their singing and acting with the tight head accesories binded to their heads. I can't even stand patiently with it tied to my head. Anyway, I really need to pick up a dialect, hokkien or teochew, if not I'll never ever be able to appreciate the chinese operas we're doing. The last day was a pretty long day. We moved all the sets, props and costumes back to LYS. No lorry ride this time though, it was packed to the top. At LYS, we kept almost everything back in its place. That's quite an achievement :p Haha, but we finished everything at 1am plus -.-zzz

Opera performance is over. Cheng's term break is over and the Chengs are back from quaratine. My life's back to normal again. I don't think I'm mentally and physically prepared for it yet. And school's starting soon too. I gotta get my engine running again man. Ain't taking a day off. Hahaha, but maybe I'll take half a day off for now. I need some quality time to socialise with the new PS3 at home :p My brother's buddies with it already.

Okay, that piece of machine is bad for me. Should stop playing it before I get hooked.

Looking back, I see that my life has changed a lot. The things I do everyday, the way I spend the day, the people I spend it with. Everything. Everything that once was, it all seems so long ago. I'm not saying I don't like this new change. It's just well, I feel that I am caught somewhere in between. Different environment, different lifestyle, different things, different people, different friends.

The people I meet from different places, there's a different side of Zu You they see. They all see me differently. But I'm still... me. Self image is really important. I really should be mindful of the way I bring myself. Haha... if not I'll always end up being that xiao Zu You. And you all condemn me.

Everyday I try to get myself back up, and climb out of this hole. Maybe, and probably, a few years down the road, things are gonna be drastically different.

I hope to see what I hope to see. The man in the mirror.

For now, I just gotta keep at it man! My unglamorous body is just so uncooperative. Gotta get that leg up. Gotta bend that back. Gotta jump higher. Gotta turn straight. Gotta soften. GOTTA RECOVER! =)

It's been a long time, or has it only been a while? Silly boy, it depends on how you measure long.

2 in the morning

Just being nonsensically random...

There are many things in dance that I do not understand. And much much more that I do not understand about the world. But what I understand is... I'm not working hard enough!

Haha, tiredness can really change how one thinks. Whatever...

Going to watch Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen tomorrow! =D

Time for some treats

Ok, I know this is random...

So many movies I wanna watch!
- Terminator Salvation
- Transformers Revenge of the Fallen
- Night at the Museum 2
- Monsters vs Aliens
- Dance Subaru
- Up

So many food I wanna eat
- Pizza Hut
- Pastamania
- NYDC
- Scissors curry rice
- KFC
- Cai peng
- Koi bubble tea

Get well soon Elibird! Then you can treat me all these =p Ahahaha...

Oh, went to take Ryan's Lyrical Jazz class at Oschool yesterday. Haha, it was so packed, as usaul. Had fun... Haven't taken jazz classes in a long time. Hiphop also. I hope my knee isn't wearing out any time soon. Feel so tired zzz... But I'll keep at it anyway, gotta work on my lousy technique. JIAYOU LAH!

Peace.

Back from the Trip

Yes, I'm back from the trip. Haha, it was a fun trip overall =p Was taking class most of the time in Beijing.

30/05/09

But still, we did managed to visit Forbidden City (Gu Gong). Woohoo! It was interesting but the the walking was a real killer. Haha, the place is so huge that fatigue makes the trip a dull one. But it was a nice place to visit nonetheless. Haha, I was like a tourist, with my camera in hand and snapping many shots of the architecture and whatever that was in sight. Just thinking about how they managed to build structures like these during that dynasty really amazes me.

06/06/09

I went to HongKong Disneyland! Elibird joined us too. Haha... It was a great day, haven't felt so happy and relaxed in a long time. I guess that's because I managed to put dancing out of my head that day. But we saw quite a number of dances in disneyland. Haha, we catched the High School Musical parade there. Elibird and I were standing under the hot sun (O.o)" They sang songs from HSM1 and HSM2 I think. So funny, it was an Asian Troy! "Lei Ho Ma?!" No Zac Efron, the spastic guy, as described by Laoma =p Hahaha...

We watched a 3D musical show too. We were all looking kinda silly with those 3D glasses on. The show really evoked all five of my senses. There was this part where Donald smashed a pumpkin and there was really a nice scent in the air, like blueberry. And when those enchanted broom servants splashed water, we really got wet. I wonder where the water came from. The lighting and 3D illusions was good. Haha, an unforgetable experience.

The water parade was.... like what Elibird described, literally cool. I'm glad my camera survived the water onslaught. Haha, I got shot directly in the face by a spray gun from one of the big floats. It was erm... refreshing -.-"

We caught a short musical "Golden Mickeys" too. It was great, though I think it could still be better. Haha, Mickey Minnie speaking cantonese! Now that's something new for me. Some of the other disney characters spoke cantonese too, but they switched back to English when they break down into their songs, haha. I found the rope acrobatics section by Tarzan and two other monkey-dressed performers most stunning. Tarzan's muscles were insanely toned and detailed. They were spinning really fast on the rope. AMAZING. Talk about abdominal control... Oh and I guess they could hold their lunch very well too. They didn't puke in front of the audience. Hahaha...

We watched fireworks at the end of the day at 8pm. Reminds me of NDP and New Year. What was nice was it was accompanied by disney music. Nice fireworks choreography. The fireworks operator has great musicality =p

It was a pretty long day. A memorable one for me =) I'll try to upload the pictures I took next time.

________________________________________________________

Oh, and I hope Elibird gets into APA. It has quite a good environment I think.

It's not where you are that matters. It's who you are and what you do that defines you.

Summer Recital

Reverence 2009

I know it's kinda late to post this now. But better late than never. Haha, anyone who's interested to watch, just call 90921103 to reserve a ticket. Or just call me =p

The performance is a showcase of the students' classwork, and some ballet variations will be performed. Oh, in the second half of the show, a short excerpt of Paquita will be performed too.

Do come support!

Beijing!

I'm at Changi airport now. Going to China. Haha, but we'll be making stops at HongKong in between.

I don't think my phone works there, would have to buy a pre-paid card. Will be back on the 7th.

Hope it'll be a great trip. *No stress no stress. Wish me luck!

Peace y'all.

A step at a time

Every journey begins with a single step.

Yes I started mine a long time ago. I took it easy, walked with a stroll. It was fun and relaxing, I took in all the beautiful sights as I went. Once in a while, I took a break and stop, taking in a breath of fresh air or two. Yes, it was a good 4 years of secondary school life, although not all that perfect.

When the going gets tough, the tough gets going. After that, the steps in my journey got bigger, more effort put in in every pace. I was starting to see reality; the reality that time waits for no man. Slowly, my stroll becomes a fast walk down the road. Slowly, my fast walk becomes a jog.

But this jog of mine is quite different from most people. Because you see, each step I take, I'm trying to turn my foot out. I need to turn my foot out. I have to turn my foot out, no matter how seemingly impossible it seems. These are the steps I learn to take, the steps of a dancer.

I know and see people along this same journey; some familiar faces and most of them, complete strangers. The thing is, all I see are their backs, way further in the distance ahead of me. "What the? This is a race?" I thought.

What started out as a simple stroll down a park has become a race to me. Every now and then I question myself. What are the things that matter to me? Taking time to enjoy the beautiful sights, living life to the fullest? Or is winning all that really matters, being first to reach the finish line? Should I make a sprint for it? Well I'm not even sure I can finish this race.

I'm not a competitor. I never asked to be in this race. I just happen to walk my journey on the tracks.

__________________________________________________________

I found an inch of happiness at where it shouldn't be.

Why

I see how many people show the ugly side of them when they vent out their frustration in blogs, saying unpleasant things. I'm guilty of doing that a couple of times too, but I'll try to avoid doing that from now on...
__________________________________________________________

I feel so misunderstood. I can't believe Huikuan is always questioning me where my priority is. I thought that was something so obvious. What ever happened to trust? I'm so disappointed that they don't trust me, even though I've been there for almost seven years already.

You can criticize my dead face, emotion-less, no expression dancing. You can criticize my stiff dancing. You can criticize my lousy ballet technique. But please don't criticize my sense of priority of what or where is more important.

They really don't see the matured sensible responsible side of me. Even "emo" teenagers grow up a little too someday after thinking too much.

I'm heart broken. See what I mean about I feel like I belong no where?

I feel like I don't belong in my family. Now the place that feels like my second family don't see me as one.

Why?

You don't read me

Just posting random stuffs...

I finished my technique exams! Feel so relieved, but can't take a break now. The journey doesn't end here. I think I did quite okay, but could have been better. For ballet, I panicked as usual but got more comfortable after a few of the barre exercises. What I worried most was the La Fille Mal Gardee variation that I had to do at the end. Not my best performance, but I would put it in my top 5. Haha, "walk out... gold medal". =p I think only my classmates would know what that means. I didn't do as good for comtemporary exam, but overall still acceptable. Didn't screw up.... much. Was nervous and had shaky ankles, which didn't help one bit in turns. I can only hope to score more for my performance and progress in class throughout the semester.

Okay, so that's that. A little reflection about my technique exam.

Hmmm.... SYF. Yea, Riverside's modern dance GWH. Good job! Debbie's probably still bursting with joy now. Haha... Riverside chinese dance Gold. Well I guess most of them are disappointed, but a Gold's still a good result. It doesn't end here guys, still gotta keep at what you're doing. Anyway, actually 'O' Level's a lot more important. Haha. Glad First Toa Payoh got Gold too =) Dang, I didn't get to watch any of the dances this time round. Will try to grab hold of a DVD when it's out.

I know dance is a performing art. But one thing I realize about myself is that I hate to be judged.

Mild depression... In the midst of all that there is, in the midst of all that I care about, I've lost myself. I'm here, but I'm not anywhere. I'm alive yet I do not live to exist. What I'm trying to say is, I feel that I do not belong anywhere anymore. I look at the man in the mirror, and I do not know where he is standing.

The others have a life. Where is mine? If I look hard enough, I do have a life, however subtle it is. But no one cares about it. Who needs to anyway, I'm just... me. If only I spoke, if only you listened...

Not making anymore sense. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm me.

Going hard.

Ain't taking a day off. Oh yea!

Haha... a bit random. But once in a while, it's good to have something different from all the emo posts I usually have. =p

Lost in thoughts, lost in time

张韶涵- 真的

我努力的仰着脸孔
试着眼泪不往下流
别往下流

不安的感觉到什么
在我生活中不再相同
很不相同

想要说
却还沉默
伸出手
无法触碰

天空突然一片辽阔
原来你是真的已经离开我
在我不熟悉的世界过新的生活
闭上眼让泪水滑落
此刻你已真的永远离开我
在另外一个没有我的世界
自由的走

__________________________________

男子汉流汗不流泪.
I know, but once in a while I just can't take it.
Give me some time, I'll be fine again in a bit.

Piled up

Got exams, essays and presentation next week. Wish me luck!

________________________

I feel... sad.

In agony

I'm so useless.I wish there was some way I could help her.

Sick? or Sick of?

OMG, I'm down with stomach flu. Got no idea how I got it, but the doc says it didn't came from food poison. Been absent from school since mid-tuesday. Haha, I was already feeling unwell on the way to school tuesday morning, with cold sweat running through in the MRT.

Being rock headed, I even took Albert and Hsienfa laoshi's classes. But I backed out during the last few exercises of Albert's class, was on the verge of puking. Then for ballet, I was trying my best to look glamorous although my stomach was killing me. Haha, but I couldn't pull it through and kept messing up the exercises. Laoshi could tell I was not very focused. I felt bad and pissed at myself, I wanted to proof that I was "jian bang yin de", but I couldn't. I managed to finish the class, ending with that killer tiring male technique combination. Was panting and gasping for air by the end of it.

Ok, so I've been sleeping and resting at home for the past few days. Went to school on Thursday, we were going to perform at Meridian JC. I was doing fine that day, even went to school extra early to sweat it out, to test whether I could take it. But towards the late afternoon... dang, I was weak and half dead again. Even had to stand in the train all the way to woodlands. Went home and slept straight. zzz zzz

Woke up today friday morning and didn't go to school again. I really dunno what's wrong with my body. The sores are all gone but I still feel weak. Is it all in the head? Or am I really physically exhausted from the flu? Awwww... my stomach's acting weird now.

I'm afraid to go back to dance. I don't think I can perform my best in the condition I am now. I'm afraid to disappoint myself. I want to push myself, but I don't have the strength, don't have the courage, don't have the drive, don't have the heart.

I need to get myself back together as soon as possible. The rest of the world is not taking a day off, so why should I?

______________________________________________

小小的手掌厚厚的温暖
你总能平复我不安的夜晚

- TANK, 专属天使

Missing

Haven't blogged much recently. Hmmm.... Just gonna post some chinese phrases =p

没有承诺 却被你抓得更紧

This is a line from an old song.

___________________________________________________________

Hmmm....

付出真心　才会得到真心
却也可能伤得彻底　　
保持距离　就能保护自己　　
却也注定永远寂寞
　　
冷漠　有时候并不是无情　　
只是一种避免被伤害的工具

I read this from an e-mail I received. Maybe this is what is unknowingly happening to me.
___________________________________________________________

Dancing without a heart...
No movements can fill that empty space but you.

S.O.S

Wow, this is my first post for 2009. Been busy lately so I haven't really been able to find time to update. And I don't really know what to write about also. Okay I think this is gonna be an EMO post, just wanna scream some things out here. I don't see the point but it might make me feel better. Or not. Or maybe by tomorrow I'll be all better already.

Been caught up in a hectic life recently. Mostly dance actually. There's just so many things to do everyday and every hour. That's why I could pull myself together so well after being depressed for so long. There is a goal for me to reach and something to be done. But lately I find it's getting really difficult and I'm starting to be convinced by what one of my teachers have been telling me. The message was simple, "Your dream in dance is impossible."

Maybe I'm just been pessimistic and all. I'm glad you and many of my friends keep telling me that I can do it, giving encouragement like "Jiayou!", "Will get there de," , "Work hard and you'll do it". But at the end of the day, reality is harsh. I just hope I'm not too caught up in all these dreams that are almost impossible to achieve.

I went to Huikuan for class today. It's been a long time since I've been there. Was busy doing the Sun Drum Dance in Johor for Chinese New Year. It was a great experience though getting through the customs was a real waste of time. It's so funny how we had all these accidents during the show coz the stage is either unsuitable or just plain too small to be used to perform a dance. Especially when you're waving two long sticks and carrying a big drum on your back. Haha...

So anyway, class today was so hard for me. Kinda lost touch with everything. I hate to say it, and I hate to feel this way. But I have to admit, I realize that I'm really very unhappy at huaykuan. Being angry at myself is most of the reason why I hate being there I think. I'm sorry to say, but I really don't feel like going back there anymore. For now maybe... I know it's irresponsible to do that. But I just can't take it anymore, don't wanna go there every weekend and feel so bad. This isn't normal. This isn't good.

I felt so much misery at huaykuan over the years. So much that I can't really remember anything happy. I feel so in pain sometimes. All the shit I went through there. I don't think I can go there and just take a proper good class anymore. I get distracted. I can't pay attention. I can't focus. I can't just keep my heart and mind on dance.

At this moment, I just don't want to go back anymore.

Maybe I just need a break.

A break from Huikuan.

A break from the past that's still haunting me and a break from the future that's scaring me.

The question now is the present. What do I wanna do?

Merry Christmas

I guess it's time I grow up.

1)Just another of those days 2)Digging up the Past?

Finally, another update. I'm eating bread with nutella now. Yummy...

Today (Well yesterday actually..) was like any other of my easier more relaxed days I suppose. Went to Anderson sec in the morning to help out with their Chinese New Year item. It's not perfect yet, but at least there's improvement and it looks better than before. They'll be dancing with a chou-san sort of thing. It's kind of like a fan with long cloth like that of a chou.

Yea, so after that I just wanted to chill. Actually wanted to eh.... meet up or something. Arg, well nvm, Ya so from AMK I met up with some friends and ate LJS and Swensens. Haha, Lao Ma had a coupon at Swensens that we could use to get two sundaes for the price of one :p

Ya so we hanged out and chilled. Haha, opps sorry if sometimes I get all moody and isolated. Watch a 9plus show at Causeway Point, Twilight. It's an okay show I guess. Maybe if I have the time, I'll try to get and read the book. But I think it's like almost sold out everywhere. well, maybe next time then, still got tons of books I want to but haven't got a chance to read yet.

Whoa, this might just turn out to be a longer post than I thought. Okay, 5min break. Gotta go fix myself another slice of bread and nutella... I just realize I haven't eat dinner today >_<"

Okay I'm back. Took more than five minutes though. So anyway, I reached home late just now. Nothing surprising there :p And who would have thought of it, I actually took time to clean and tidy up my room! Haha, my room's been in a dreadful mess for quite a while already. It's really like a pig sty, with stacks of paper lying everywhere, and things thrown around.

When I was trying to organise the papers lying on the table, I came across the cards that I received recently. Most of them are the cards I received on my 18th birthday. For a moment i felt happy reading them. But just a moment. What they did for me was nice =) Really appreciate that.

And there was also the fans. I found the fans that I used to use in secondary school. We performed Zhang He a lot. Haha, there was the green fan which I use for practices. Now it's broken beyond repair. I'll just leave in my room then :p And there was the other fan. This one's similar to the red Kungfu fan that the guys are using to practise now. I didn't know I had this fan with me, it's used during our performances in those days. Haha, I actually Kapok-ed the fan home. The school doesn't use it anymore anyway. This fan really brings back a lot of memories for me, both in and out of dance. It's really cool, the fan even has my name written nicely on it. A very cool fan indeed... =p

I digged up a few photos as well. I printed them recently only, just this year. It's pics of some of us RS HK peeps eating together. It's really sad that we'll never be able to do that again, after all that's happened with them. Screw them man =/ Haha...

And dang, I also dug up a piece of letter that I wrote long ago. Well, it's just last year only but still, I had almost forgot about it. I never gave the letter. It's actually more like a draft, scribbled on foolscap, but I never came about to finishing it properly. Hmmm... I don't want to be that emo kid writing that letter anymore. I'm different now, hopefully, even if it's just different by an inch or two. Maybe I should give that letter, hmmm....

I wish when the time comes, I'll have the courage to pull this one through. I'll think about it. Or I'll sleep over it coz I'm tired now. zzz zzz Haha.

Peace.

Don't give up on me.

Crossroads

It's monday morning now. Well it's actually almost afternoon already. Haha, I woke up late today like, 10 plus. Had 9 hours of good sleep, haven't slept so much in a long time :p

We did the Guan Mo Hui dance showcase yesterday, Good job everyone! Although I heard it was not very well done as there were plenty of mistakes. It happens in performances all the time, we just have to make sure we cover them up and the audience doesn't know it. Haha

Now that this performance is done, I'm not sure what to do anymore. Huay Kuan I mean... This might just be the last show I do with them. And everything's so different now. Everything's changed. I feel like I don't belong there anymore.

Arg, this is starting to be another depressing post again.

It's kind of frustrating that I have no sense of where I wanna go, and what I wanna do. Choices are so difficult to make. I can't make choices because I'm just too afraid of the things that would happen. I don't know what I'll do if I would fall again. I'll never be able to climb back up and continue.

Just so lost and confused right now. "Set goals in life, have dreams". But what is it that I want? Besides chocolates and ice lemon tea? :P Haha...

I'm trying very hard to make a choice....

And yup, I'm gonna try. I know if I don't I'm gonna regret it forever. Now all I need is the confidence and courage to do it. I don't want us to go on like this, things are gonna be different, trust me. Okay, I'm talking to myself again...

The courage to stand on my own. I choose to be the best of me.

1am

Okay, I've been MIA here for so long. Sorry guys =p Haha, but if you're at Lasalle, Hui Kuan, or Cheng Ballet, you'll see that ZuYou is still in action! Yup, been busy and hanging aroung these places most of the time these few weeks.

It's easy to manage these things if you just put your whole head into it and jump right in. But well, recently I just can't seem to do that anymore...

And history just seems to repeat itself again.
...


I Still...

Who are you now?
Are you still the same
Or did you change somehow?
What do you do
At this very moment when I think of you?
And when I'm looking back
How we were young and stupid
Do you remember that?
Baby

No matter how I fight it
Can't deny it
Just can't let you go

I still need you
I still care about you
Though everything's been said and done
I still feel you
Like I'm right beside you
There's still no word from you

Now look at me
Instead of moving on, I refuse to see
That I keep coming back
And I'm stuck in a moment
That wasn't meant to last (to last)

I try to fight it
Can't deny it
You don't even know

That I still need you
I still care about you
Though everything's been said and done
I still feel you
Like I'm right beside you
There's still no word from you

Ohhhh
Wish I could find you
Just like you found me
Ohhhhh (can't live without you)

Though everything's been said and done (yeah)
I still feel you (I still feel you)
Like I'm right beside you (like I'm right beside you)
But still no (still no word) word from you

----
I miss her. I just wish things didn't have to end up this way.

Haha

Hehe, just a random post. I'm in the school library now. Got a class starting soon.

Sorry I haven't been updating. Been quite busy. So much has happened since the last post; my birthday, the Huay Kuan dance production and many more. Haven't got the time to write about it.

It's a tough period for me now. Hope I can cope with everything. Dang, sometimes I just wanna sit down, rest and talk =( Okay, I'm just wasting time posting this now. Haha, gotta go...

Peace.

Put down into words.

There are many things running through my head right now. Too many things. I'm never good at putting things down into words, but I'll try. Man that sounds so familiar, I probably wrote that before in a letter. Haha...

Let's see... Oh yea, I watched Feng Zhong Shao Lin with Mum and Dad at Esplanade last week. One word, DOPE. Haha, won't fill you guys on the details. The word says it all. :p

Choreographers Napoleon and Tabitha are dope. They choreographed a few items for SYTYCD season4. Their style is mostly lyrical hip hop. But I felt that they brought it a step furter. Emo hip hop. Wahaha... watching their choreography, it narrates, hand in hand with the song. It's not just about the tricks and being on beat. But the dancers were on beat of course. And I can see that they incorporate other so called non-hip hop movements, these help to express the chemistry between the two dancers in their duet. They're good... ... wow =p

Okay here's the boring section of this post zzz zzz. Me and my conflicts within. Still doing not so bad. Previously, I was working on being independent. Got better at it =) Yea,*pat my own back... I'm functioning well almost 24/7. Sadly, I still have signs and moments of breaking up when, well... you guys know, I assume. I'm still trying to think of a way to figure this out. Anyway, I still got tons of other flaws. Can't think straight now so I don't know what I should work on next. Gimme a few more days to ponder about it.

Sorry, can't put any more thoughts into words already. That's why I'm not a writer.

Right now, I feel so lost. But staying strong! Haha, go hard!

Crap, I'm not a Leo. I don't feel like a Leo.

Haha, peace y'all.

Not worth Reading... Ha

Don't really have something in mind to blog. Well here are just random stuffs and things that I did today. Well, technically it's yesterday...

Okay, I don't how to explain what I wanna say so nevermind. Here's what I did today(or yesterday :P)...

Today was a not so tiring but tiring day. Today was a not so productive yet productive day. Haha, I'm contradicting what I say :p But that's the best way I can think of to sum it up. Didn't do much in the morning, woke up and play PSP =/ I'm on holiday so it should be alright to play a lil bit right?

Late afternoon I made my way to Studio Wu. It's a long MRT trip zzz zzz... But not to worry, they're moving to a new place somewhere near SMU soon. That would be convenient. So anyway, monday's the most 'aggressive' day for me. Choing 3 classes straight. Haha, super workout. My shirt was heavy and wet by the start of the second class. Won't elaborate about the classes. One word. Dope. Haha... It's fun. I enjoy taking classes there, though it's very tiring sometimes. I realize most of the people there are older than me. Well there are people my age. But the 'old birds' are mostly in their 20s or reaching 20. I don't know all the peeps very well but they are nice people. Well, it's very different being there compared to being at huay kuan. What's different I don't know. Me I guess... And the way people see me is different. Now that's something to remember.

Haha, I realize I'm talking and typing more to myself rather than to you the reader. That's my failing in being unable to express myself and my thoughts. Gotta work on this some time. Dang, this post is just not worth reading. Sorry :p

Well see y'all. Peace.

Cold

Okay I woke up to a really bad start today. I did nothing much yesterday but as soon as I got home, I fell asleep zzz zzz. And I just happen to wake up 6plus in the morning. I laid in bed half awake and slept again soon after. 7plus I woke up again. 8plus I woke up again. Finally 10plus my mum called me up. Haha... I showered and ate breakfast. Had Mian Xian... Yup, mum says it's my dad's chinese birthday today. Hahaha, which means tomorrow's my chinese birthday! =P Really, I'm not kidding... :p

Yea, so after eating I just laid on the sofa listening to SPESHOW. And dang, I slept again. I'm typing all this now just moments after I woke up. :P

Okay, so it was a bad start coz I slept through almost half the day. What really made me feel so bad is the dreams I had(sound so kiddish!). I slept and woke up so many times that I dunno at which point I had which dream. But anyway, some were nice and some were just crap. But the last one really hit me bad. For one thing it was quite real. And it ended up the same as the previous so called "nightmares" that I've been having. I think it was around the time after dance camp then when I kept having those dreams. So why today too? -.-"

Maybe it's beacause I kept thinking that it would happen. Maybe because I really don't want something like that to ever happen. That's why this kind of situations keep playing inside my head when I sleep. Oh man, I'm so depressed. Hahaha... I miss everything so so much

Guess I won't be doing much today. I have problems helping the RS modern dancers. I don't know what to do. I'm not confident, that's why =(

My dog's scratching my leg coz she wants her lunch. Shouldn't have wore shorts; there's scratch marks all over my leg now. Gotta go give her her food before she starts barking like a mad dog... See y'all.

Peace.

Not doing so Good.

Nothing much to say actually... coz nothing interesting happen. Haha...

I'm miserable most of the time I know. Lately I've expressing my misery too freely I suppose, in the form of sitting at one corner and insulting the people around me. Opps... Wrong move. (-_-)"

I once said that everyone has a choice and I choose to be the best of myself. I know myself better now and I really don't wanna be the person I see in the mirror now. It's not easy for me to do this on my own, but I'll try. My fears are drawing up upon me and I can't let them get me down.

Being confident isn't a good thing. Well being over confident isn't. Especially when it gets to your head. I see good people turn bad because of this. Like what people always say, too much of anything isn't good.

I guess anyone reading this boring post would be falling asleep soon. I don't have anything in particular that I wanna say actually. Yea, will update again when something worth writing pops up. Haha...

There's no use crying over spilled milk. But there wouldn't be anything to cry over if the milk was never there isn't it?

Take care...

*Sigh... It's been a while since the previous post. Can't say I've been better much. Well I think I got over most of that empty melancholic feeling, but I still ain't completely okay. Every now and then I still feel... sad. Well, it takes time to get better I guess. When dealing with all the conflicts within oneself, I learnt that everyone has a choice. I choose to be the best of myself =)

Alright, enough of this crazy depressed sh*t, here's some random stuffs... Haha

Been watching some videos on youtube. Dang, these dancers are dope! Rob Hoffman, Adam Servani, Travis Wall are crazy-a*s DOPE! Do look up on them on youtube if you guys have the time. Ummmmm, better not look up on them if you are easily offended, hahaha...

Somehow, I got the job of doing RS modern dance's open house item. Dang, I hope I can pull this off. It's not gonna be easy for me. Ain't cut out to do this kinda thing. I sucked big time when I did FTP's danceworks. Hope I'll do a better job on this. Gotta stay confident! (haha, all the useless self-encouragement :p)

The 3-person dance for August's performance is still in the making. Haha, hope it gets done asap, coz there's like what, just about 2 months left before showtime. I don't wanna screw this up too. Haha, my role in the item is a suffering victim, a D.I.D (damsel in distress), haha kidding. I'm a V.I.P (victim in pain).

Oh yea, watched Hancock today. It's a great movie. Humorous and action-packed at the same time. The storyline isn't pretty good though. A great movie to watch, especially when you're feeling =( with nothing better to do. The character John Hancock, proofed that you can change as long as you are willing to. You can change if you give yourself a chance. Yup, that sure helped a lot, if you know what I mean =p Haha... Peace y'all.

OMG, my dog just ate a lizard, which is so disgusting. She's never gonna lick my face again :P Now I know where all the pimples came from :p

Haha, that's all I could think of for now. Now that I think about it, I wonder who visits this page anyway. Maybe I should start writing more productive stuff instead of all these nonsense.... ... ... ... ... Nah. We'll see...

Hang in there. Please.

Half awake only

Oh I'm sick of torturing myself over all these problems which were never supposed to be there in the first place. It's just senseless. Crying over it is senseless. I'm just beating myself getting troubled over things like this. Now that I think about it, there was really nothing wrong.

The only thing wrong is the way I think things through, the way I see things, the way I perceive things. The only thing wrong right now is ME. Okay, now that we found where the problem lies, I can do something about it. Again. And again. And again.
All this while, all this time, I've been wanting to 改變自己 and once again, I proofed myself a failure. But it isn't all that bad, coz I honestly I feel that I'm becoming a better person. Yup, but just a little, not even an inch :p I understand myself a little better now. I just hope I didn't annoyed her too much this time.

Truth is, I've been expecting too much. That's why all these things that's happening or not happening are bothering me. There really was nothing much there in the first place. I wanted someone to care more about me, to care about what's happening to my life. I wanted to be someone that matter to someone. All this is too much to ask for. Even from friends and family. You can even say it's selfish to expect things like this. Okay, I know I'm a really dependent person (which is not a good thing) and I should try to be more self-reliable. So here's one of the points I can start to change; be more INDEPENDENT.

-"How could you expect yourself to take care of someone if you can't even take care of yourself?"

These words are coming back to haunt me again.

I just hope I haven't blew it completely this time. It just ain't the same without you here. I got rid of some of the emo-ness inside of me. I wanna be at peace with myself.

If I could go back, I wish I could have done things differently.

[ nothi_g to se_ h_re ]

It's funny that I'm always eating when I post something here. But this time it's not bread with peanut butter and strawberry jam. I'm eating milo and biscuits :P Haha, another wonderful combination...

I'm cutting out the 'birds' now. It's harder than it looks. Yea, I'm using a scissors used for cutting hair. Haha, which reminds me of a few lines from the movie You Don't Mess With The Zohan.
"I want to.... ... cut hair."
"Make your hair silky smooth..."
Actually I'm not sure wether I'm cutting them right, but I sure hope I am. Haha, I think there's gonna be a problem with the sewing part :p

I feel so lost right now. I don't know what I'm feeling. I think I'm supposed to be happy, but I'm not. And it's not sadness I'm feeling. Believe me, I know how being upset feels like. I'm just.... I don't know what best describes this... empty.
All these things that I've been doing, the decisions I've made, the choices I made; it's making me vulnerable.
Punch me, it'll hurt. Stab me, I'll bleed. I don't want to be shattered all over again. I don't think I can bring myself back up again if it ever does happens.

Dang, I'm thinking way too much already. Gotta play it cool... ;] Everything's gonna turn out just fine. "Oh yea, real comforting". Haha, the beauty of sarcasm.

Ok, I finished cutting out ten 'birds' already. Will leave out the rest for tomorrow since I'm still not very sure I'm doing it right.

I'm hoping for a great day tomorrow, seriously. Staying positive =) (trying desperately to.)

I wish... Oh nevermind.

Being Random.

Hungry. I'm eating bread with peanut butter and strawberry jam now. That's a delicious combination =p

I don't think I'm fully utilizing my holiday. It's almost two months already but I still don't feel the holiday mood. Maybe it's because there's the performance in August to worry about. Maybe.... Haha...

Been visiting the library quite a few times recently. It's funny seeing the secondary and junior college students studying inside there. Stress is written all over their faces. Even when it was reaching 9pm, many students were still busy mugging away. And there I was taking my own leisure time strolling down the aisle of books looking for something nice to read. I feel so relaxed compared to all those students. Sad... Wahaha...

Been having nightmares since the end of dance camp. Well, sort of... it's not really scary but it just makes me feel bad when I wake up. And there're all about the same thing, though they're all different scenes. Four times already. Dang, am I getting paranoid? Haha, maybe it would help to not think too much before going to sleep.

There's supposed to be a few more random stuffs I wanna write about. But I'm getting lazy. And it's getting late. Will end here for now. No wait, one more thing...

Realized I've been sailing off course lately. I'm not heading towards my destination. Just floating around and going where the wind takes me, with no regards as to whether it takes me closer or farther away from my destination. Is this the right thing to do? Or is it time for me to keep the sails, row out my oars and start peddling?

Hmmm.... Think I'll do both. The wind will take me along with it, and my oars will make sure I don't steer off course too much. Yup. Let's leave it at that for now. Focus, ZuYou. Stay positive. Still I remain nostalgic in this journey across these seas of melancholies.

Haha, what the he*l was all that about? Just a lousy attempt to express how I'm feeling in a more interesting way :p

Peace.

Hungry!

OMG! I'm not even this hardworking when I was doing my schoolwork.

Haha, I just finished editing the F&N coursework. Phew! Didn't realize it would take this long. Haha, it was so funny correcting some of the mistakes she made inside =x =) And I learnt quite a lot of new things. Checked up on a couple of words and terms used in cooking. Guess what? Folding also means adding something gently into a mixture. I never knew that before...

Haha, doing this kinda sparked a little interest in me for cooking. Nah... who am I kidding =p The only decent dish I made so far is fried rice. My momma's my ShiFu. Hmmmm... maybe I should watch more Jamie Oliver shows :p He is one good cook, though I've never tasted his dishes... but the food looked really tasty on TV :p

Fatigue's taking its toll on me. Gotta go ZZZ ZZZ ZZZ.... Wahaha.
Peace y'all.

It's OVA!!! =p

Oh! There's so many things running through my head right now, and there's so many things I want to write about. But I think I'm too lazy tonight. Will try... :p Hehe...

Aha, it's been a long week of intensive practice. Wu Dao Ying is finally over! It felt longer than a week to me. It was one of the best dance camps I had, though not one of the most productive for me :p I kinda slacked off a bit myself. Maybe that explains why I didn't have any muscle aches. Didn't push myself as hard as I usually do.

Believe it or not, the few days spent there were one of the happier days I have this year. No stress over all the usual silly things I worry about. All there is to worry about is dance well for the production in August. I hope all of us will be in shape, well and ready before the month of August. Jiayou SHHK dancers!

I learnt quite a lot from the camp. I learnt more about myself. There are things within my control, and things beyond my control. I have to get this point right and be more responsible for my own actions. I lost it quite a few times, gotta be smarter next time. Hmmm... leading the simple life I imagined isn't as easy as I thought it would be. Time and time again I have to remind myself not to be blinded by selfish decisions and stray away from the goals I've set. Well it's a relief to know that no one's perfect, but I'm working on it. I guess that's what make us human. That's what define us as humans and not machines. Machines are engineered for perfection, but humans never were. Perfection, is a process, like a never-ending journey. How the journey unfolds depends entirely on us. We write our own stories.

Oh ya, quite a few people's birthdays fall on the days during Wu Dao Ying. Including hers too =D Yea, I gave her her present! Haha, I thought I would be brave enough, but I ended up not having the courage to. Took multiple encouragement from everyone, including her, before I managed to. >.< it was so embarassing. (*gotta be a man, zuyou! Haha, just a thought to myself.) What I did wasn't one of the most excellent craftsmanship of the century, but I hope she likes it. A lot of love and sweat was put into making it, Wahaha! Well, what's done is done. No regrets there. =p

Of course, there were many other interesting things that happened during Wu Dao Ying, but that's all I'll write here for now. Maybe I'll post more stuff tonight after a quick night snack =P

Cheers!

Tuesday!

Haha, yesterday(Tuesday) went by really quickly for me. It was a great day, not much stress =p Went to eat at a jap restaurant, Hanabi. The best thing about it is it's free. All the peeps who taught in BICEP were invited. JZ, JF, YX and I met up and went together. The *ahem couple didn't go =x. It was a buffet! But the problem I had was I don't know any of the food. I ordered mostly simple ones like salmon chicken etc. Haha... no cows for me :p Anyway, I wanted to take pictures but was too busy eating all the food. It was a nice place...

I haven't exactly planned out what I wanted to do that day. Just have a list of things that I need to get done. I have so much work to do! Haha, but I ended up following them to Miss Jia Zhen's shop, Myth. Next time I'll open another shop beside it, call it Legend =p. So we just spent the afternoon inside the shop, just chilling out... zzz zzz Haha

I need to work on a choreo to teach the primary school kids on Wednesday. So I went to SHHK to brainstorm. But I fell asleep as soon as I got that. Was lying on the floor inside the studio. I only woke up when Laoshi came and saw me sleeping on the floor. She was going to choreo the solo for Miss Jenny. So I quickly thought of some last minutes step and left asap. Yea, I'm gonna use the song 'Getcha Head In The Game' from High School Musical to teach the kids.

So anyway, I went to TPY popular, bought a few stuffs and went to YingJie's house. It was almost 10 by then. I need to burn the songs for the class. I really need to get my own CD writer :P While I was there, we discussed a few things about building my 'ironman' suit. Yea, it's a secret =p

I reach home late that day. Was gonna start working on it... but dang, I fell asleep as soon as I finished supper (U.u)zzz zzz
What a day....

Feeling happy or just acting happy?

Yea, so about the last post. Well it really is easier said than done. But I'm working on it :P Haha... just staying positive. Today was a good enough day I suppose, though it isn't really a productive one. Was helping Miss Jenny with RS modern dance in the morning. That sec1 Shaun is so annoying! But he's funny in a lame way I'll give him that. He just sec1 only and he's already acting like that. I was super shy when I first join dance lo. Wow, imagine what kind of person he'll be with a few more years down the road . I don't wanna know =p

So anyway, was planning to go for class after that. But really couldn't bring myself to go. Too lazy... wahaha. Ended up having lunch with Engkiat instead. Then we go Mr Chong's house! Went there to help out and stuff. I got to paint some of the walls! Never got tired of painting walls, it's fun but I don't really know why :P We got free chicken rice after that too. Since there's know furniture and it's so hot inside, we ended up just sitting outside the house eating. Not a glamorous sight really.

And that's day one of a simple life =p Oh man, I really gotta work on my writing. Still sound like a kid. Haha... I'm still working on that little something that I want to do. Well technically I'm just planning now. Gotta put into action soon, no time already!!! =p

Peace y'all.

Cheers!

It's time to stop crying. Haha, it was late when we reached woodlands just now after practice at SHHK. YingJie and I went for 'supper' at Burger King. They were closing at 12am and we went in at 11.55! Haha, they must be kinda pissed off see customers walking in when they all preparing to close. So anyway, we chatted quite a bit. About life in the future and stuff. Thanks dude! Dang, I really gotta grow up. It isn't easy in the world out there. It's a dog eat dog world out there(what a stupid expression).

It doesn't really help much if I keep thinking about those things in the past and get sad over it. What does matter is that we look towards the future and hope for the best. I can't correct the mistakes I made before, but I can avoid them in the future.

Life isn't that bad if you look at it in another way. Okay, time to 改變自己 again. I live simple :p Just wanna be happy and do what I can to make the people I care for happy. And that includes you! Haha... It's tiring to draw circles you know.

I wish...

Does it even mean anything?

It's happening again. I just want to hide in some dark corner and cry.

Monday morning...

Haha, just a posting some nonsense here. Today's finally a half day for me! Been rehearsing til late at night for the past week. The thesis show's on wednesday, hope everything goes smoothly for me. Hmmmm, should practise more. Haha...

Oh yea, today's a half day, but I gotta go HK for practice in the evening, gotta get that timing right! -_-" There goes my free time again. Well there's always tomorrow =p

Peace.

Beowulf!

Yeah!!! The first show of Beowulf Jam went quite successfully. I was very worried coz I jump straight into another dancer during the rehearsal. And I slipped on the left wing curtain when I was exiting. Haha... But it was pretty alright for me during the show yesterday. A big thank you to all supporters =p She couldn't make it for the show ytd. I was really disappointed =( It would have been great if she came. Don't know what's goin through my head. I started to cry when everything's starting. Haha, and it was the make-up holding back the tears. Would ruin the whole eye-liner if I start sobbing. Gotta stop acting like a crybaby.

One more show to go tonight... =] Wish me luck!!! Wahaha...

Peace y'all.

Ouch!!!

My thumb really hurts. =( The nail's gone all black. And they say the nail will eventually fall off. Dang, that's gonna be an ugly sight. Haha...

Peace.

Monday Night.

Time is flying. Days are going by. Hours and minutes are ticking. I feel that I am still stuck at where I am. Moving on was never easy.

Finally, "He Wu Gong Ming"'s over. Opera's over. Oh yea, now there's time for other stuff :) Realized I got a lot of dance to remember in school. Mind block! There's Loretta's piece, Albert's piece, Yarra's piece, Jenny's piece. Not to forget the dance for Beowulf Jam. It's a production put up by all the foundation students, and we are way behind schedule! Only got around four weeks left to rehearse.

Haha, wish me luck! =D

I think of you all the time. =( I guess I really miss you. But it's not really you that I'm missing. I miss the times when there was you,

and me.

Be happy.

I wanna live a better life. A happier life. My mother says I'm not allowing myself to. Guess she's right. I'm the one grieving over something long gone. I'm trying to find it back and fail everytime. Keep falling and falling. Useless and pointless.

I want to smile and laugh about it but I just can't.

我愿意改变 (what can I do?)
重新再来一遍(just give me change)
我无法只是普通朋友
感情已那么深
叫我怎么能收手
但你说
I only want to be your friend
做个朋友
我在
你心中只是just a friend
不是情人
我感激你对我这样的坦白
但我给你的爱暂时收不回来
So I
我不能只是be your friend
I just can't be your friend
no,no,no,
我不能只是做你的朋友
不能只是做普通朋友

Emo sia :P

Sh*t. I'm so... Why is it I have no confidence? I wanna be confident, I wanna be a independent person who people can count on. It takes a lot of will to change.

I guess what I always wanted is someone who can encourage me. Give me the confidence I so often lack. I always wanted someone who cares about what I do, enjoys what I do. I always wanted someone who doesn't mind keeping me company. I always wanted someone who could make me happy and I in turn can give happiness too.

That is really too much to ask for. I guess all I wanted is love. Stupid kid.

Why

Crystals forming in the eye. They've been coming for the past few days. I can't control myself anymore. I don't what it is I'm looking for, what it is I want.

I feel so alone. I feel, sad.

One day down... millions more to go

I guess it's one of those days where I could think and function logically. Went to school, had class... lunch... class, fell asleep halfway through performance history... had rehearsal.... off to studio wu for class.... go home.

Haha, and I've finished my journal assignment due tml. =p Finally have some "free" time. But still go lotsa things to do =[ Always get caught up in all sorts of crap.

Hmmm, I think I'm trying to make peace with myself. There are important things to be done. No use crying over my sorrows... =(

I wonder what she's doing now...

Don tink too much lahz

I know it's just a thing of the mind. But I just can't help it. Seems like misery has become my new best friend. -_-"

VDay

Happy Valentine's Day =) What a boring stupid day...

What a year.

I read through my posts here in 2007. I realized I don't talk much about the two of us. It's mostly about my silly problems with dance, especially the dec showcase. I guess the reason why I didn't write much about that is I hope someday,you'll come across this page, and understand more abt me. You never did of course. Haha...

It ended somewhere in July. I guess I was taking it quite well for a while. Then in August, that's when I started cracking up. Every now and then there were melancholic entries by a very depressed, heart-broken man. (Well, most of the time actually, I realized :p)

Hate it when I grieve over the past. Nothing's gonna come out of it. "Move on dude."

I miss you. I really do.

Not again.

Just wanna say the same thing which I've posted here before...
I can't remember the last time I was truly happy.

I don't know what I want.

From 07 to 08

Yay, been better these few weeks. Life's a lot easier to go through this way.It's chinese new year chu yi today. For some reason I woke up 5 plus in the morning. Watched Sweeny Todd with EK and RL ytd. Very nice show. You can never get tired of musicals :P Haha, but I think live musical theatre performances are much better. You can really 'feel' the performers.

Not visiting much relatives this year again. That makes 2 years in row. Oh well... Who enjoys going bai nian anyway. Except for the money maybe.

I'm haunted by year 2007. It's been a year. It's like I'm 're-living' everything. Everyday I look at the date and recall what I did last year on this day. All the crap I put myself through, all the regrets, all the pointless sorrow... the happy thoughts... the happy moments... the beautiful moments. Gone. Everything lost.

No point grieving over the past. Got loads more to deal with now. Wait for me please. Nobody's perfect. (I'm nobody. Nah, just playin :p) One has to learn to care for oneself before learning to care for others.

寂寞男孩的悲哀, 说出来，谁明白
Haha, a line from a familiar song =p